tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64362715566833341352024-03-05T01:03:43.960-05:00In Hannah's HonorKaty Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.comBlogger138125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-38586403354791262352012-04-12T05:59:00.003-04:002012-04-12T05:59:29.502-04:00Giveaway {times} THREE!I'm looking to make some new items for the shop which equals some great giveaways for you! Secretly {or not so much!} I want you all to follow the shop's blog as well ;) Pretty please? Go <a href="http://somewhereovertherainbow-shop.blogspot.com/2012/04/giveaway-times-three.html?m=0">here</a> to enter!Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-73922613153450535742012-03-11T10:52:00.001-04:002012-03-11T10:52:17.772-04:00Are You Ready for Some PRIZES? Giveaway!READY for a FANTASTIC GROUP GIVEAWAY?! I am SO excited to be involved and to team up with such a terrific group of ladies! Each offering a talent of our own, we are giving ONE lucky winner a little something from ALL of us to be announced on what better day than ST. PATRICK'S DAY?! Go check out <a href="http://www.facebook.com/MamaMiaHandstampedJewelry" target="_blank">Mama Mia's Facebook page</a> to ENTER today! The rules and ways to enter are described there! And to learn more about the AWESOME Tina of Mama Mia Custom Handstamped Jewelry, check out her guest post <a href="http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/03/10/mama-mia-handmade-jewelry-a-great-big-giveaway-you-dont-wanna-miss/" target="_blank">Small Bird Studios</a> today!<br />
<br />
* DO NOT COMMENT TO ENTER ON THIS PAGE! Please go visit <a href="http://www.facebook.com/MamaMiaHandstampedJewelry" target="_blank">Tina on Facebook</a> to ENTER! *<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1KrjOhDvn2041Vn9tusZG1vvKg6wCj9sMbxv-sEuq-DmD6rrJChW5UKJ5b21jCesADctop1yHfHlZYM5AIYWAlKkNmGVSqx4_8l46M8Zu-IwXaBUal3MeqmCeHc7HvrBQ70OZg4nYGiY/s1600/Giveaway.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1KrjOhDvn2041Vn9tusZG1vvKg6wCj9sMbxv-sEuq-DmD6rrJChW5UKJ5b21jCesADctop1yHfHlZYM5AIYWAlKkNmGVSqx4_8l46M8Zu-IwXaBUal3MeqmCeHc7HvrBQ70OZg4nYGiY/s320/Giveaway.jpg" width="320" yda="true" /></a></div>Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-79173683055473213192012-03-02T15:22:00.002-05:002012-03-02T15:22:12.958-05:00A Giveaway!For those of you who know me, you know I run a little shop on etsy called Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Well, today I am guest posting and holding a giveaway over at Small Bird Studios! You can enter <a href="http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/03/02/guest-post-somewhere-over-the-rainbow-and-a-giveaway/" target="_blank">HERE</a>!Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-87038896611114641292012-02-21T10:38:00.000-05:002012-02-21T10:38:34.636-05:00HurtsIt's strange the cycle my grief runs in. It changes continuously---so much so, that sometimes it is hard to keep up with it. I'm constantly chasing happy. I'm constantly flagging down hope and standing in the intersection of where it is and where it isn't. It's such a thin line. This is a heavy life sentence for sure.<br />
<br />
Something else has been weighing on me. The big "H" word. Hysterectomy. I have been avoiding it for months now. I've had some concerning test results and end the decision was made to just take it all out. Only I still haven't done it yet. Haven't even scheduled it yet. It's too final for me. And still, a part of Hannah. Her home. Ahh, don't even know that it all makes sense. It just hurts. It makes me feel empty---or will it make me feel empty? I'll never bring life into this world again. I'll never spend 9 months praying over my growing belly again. I'll never do so many things.<br />
<br />
Seems like another life sentence and a new grief all it's own.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-60724136822075714682012-02-17T21:53:00.000-05:002012-02-17T21:53:05.618-05:00Follow Me?So, it's still "Under-Construction", but the shop now has a blog created to keep you up to date on items current and to come as well as a host of DIY tutorials I plan on getting up there. Would you follow me? Click <a href="http://somewhereovertherainbow-shop.blogspot.com/">HERE</a> to visit and be sure to like us through the link on Facebook as well for giveaways, coupon codes and more!Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-5547433270421283442012-02-14T15:48:00.000-05:002012-02-14T15:48:09.563-05:00Broken HeartsToday is Valentine's Day---the day of love. All I'm feeling is sad. They say time heals all wounds, but do they ever fully heal? How could they?<br />
<br />
It's been hard for me lately. I lose myself in daydreams of what could have been. I feel like I'm half connected to the world going on around me. I've been trying hard to focus on things besides the giant hole in my heart, but let's face it---sometimes you just can't.<br />
<br />
I picture that sweet girl with a giant 2 year old grin opening her birthday presents. Eating her cake. Just doing everything that she SHOULD be here doing. Because she should be, right?<br />
<br />
Ah this day of hearts just leaves mine broken once again. How do you truly live with this ache? How do you truly learn to live with it?Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-35345039659592143012012-02-12T06:40:00.001-05:002012-02-12T06:41:41.664-05:00Are You Here?I've wondered so many times in this journey if she was here. If Hannah was really still here and I just can't see her.<br />
<br />
In the early days, weeks and months the pain took over everything. I felt nothing but that pain in every waking moment. It left me broken. It left me closed off to anything else.<br />
<br />
I began crafting, reaching out, stepping out of my shell of grief to include others---to try to heal wounds that weren't my own because those were just too painful. And I began to feel her. I felt her in every craft I did for another angel mom, every memory box I donated, letter I wrote, every Bible study I hosted. She was with me. She still is.<br />
<br />
But is she here?<br />
<br />
I have Hannah's urn in a curio cabinet in the living room. Every night I turn the light on. Every morning I turn it off. I kiss her urn. I tell her I love her. Well, Ellie has been crying in front of her cabinet lately. She will walk over, point and cry. More of a whine, really. If I'm holding her when I open the door she will grab Hannah's urn and give kisses. She randomly walks over to the door and gives kisses. Do she know her? Is she here? Is she really still with us and around us? Do I just imagine her presence to try to give myself peace? To try to fill the hole with something else besides emptiness and pain?<br />
<br />
The "world" has since moved on from the destruction her absence has caused in my life. Beautiful blooms have grown in many of the places it destroyed, yet still it aches. Still it is empty. Still I miss her.<br />
<br />
Is she here?Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-84066376881238074812012-01-24T17:32:00.000-05:002012-01-24T17:32:02.503-05:00HeavyMaybe it's the eyes of loss, but looking around I see so much sadness in the world. Yet in the midst of it all there is something else. Something much bigger than sadness. Much braver and wiser and definitely much more needed. Love. I see love.<br />
<br />
A father painfully recounts his son's last days. It's been the worst year of his life. A mother shares the eulogy she's delivered only a matter of days ago. How will she live without her son? Tears. Tears and pain and hurt and heartache. Sadness. Yet the response is overwhelming. The blanket of love that wraps around them is amazing to behold.<br />
<br />
I remember well those dark dark days when my daughter was first taken. It was cold. It was lonely. I was desperate and despaired and angry. I was a sad that has no description because it is just beyond words. Two and a half years later I am wrapped in a beautiful blanket of LOVE. All because of Hannah. It is amazing and beautiful and yes, still sad. But thank you to all of you who are part of that warmth which surrounds me.<br />
<br />
I miss blogging. I started a different blog but it just doesn't feel right. This is her place and I just need to feel her.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-47037387676046691852011-09-21T10:30:00.000-04:002011-09-21T10:30:24.301-04:00Happy Birthday Baby GirlThis is your space. Has been your space and so I just need to talk to you today.<br />
<br />
Happy Birthday Hannah.<br />
<br />
I was sad last night going to bed. I was sad when I woke up this morning. I'm sad right now. I hope you are happy in Heaven. I hope you really are dancing and playing like everyone says you are. I hope that is real and true. I hope. <br />
<br />
I really wish I could look in your eyes and tell you how much I love you. They are the only part of you I've never seen. I remember so much about this day 2 years ago, but I forget so much, too. I live with regret. I live with an unsettled feeling in my heart that if only....what if....how come.<br />
<br />
Ahhh but then there's Ellie. Your little sister. She wouldn't be here. Did you send her? Is she like you? Oh how I would have my hands full. Oh how I wish I did.<br />
<br />
I love you my girl. I miss you.<br />
<br />
Happy, happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-34583794001926879142011-08-04T15:32:00.000-04:002011-08-04T15:32:01.751-04:00I don't post here much anymore. Not because Hannah is not on my mind---she always is. She always will be on my mind and thoughts, in my heart, right here with me.<br />
<br />
It is different now.<br />
<br />
I do have things to say. I do have feelings that sit on my chest like a heavy weight and cause my eyes to sting with tears. But it's different now. Where as before I was living IN my grief, really just surviving, now I'm living WITH it. It is a part of my life. It is a part of who I am. It is a part of how I interact with my living children.<br />
<br />
Here I mostly tried to focus on Hannah and how I was feeling. Having Eliana here now has caused things to resurface and also to heal. I've not really shared much of these things because I don't want to cause heartache for someone new on their grief journey by talking about my rainbow. Or even by talking about Bobby too much, Hannah's big brother.<br />
<br />
So I've made a decision. I'm going to have this blog printed. I'm not going to blog here anymore, but at my new blog, <a href="http://rkbhe.blogspot.com">Broken Yet Whole</a>. I need to blog about all 5 of us. Together. Robert, Katy (me), Bobby, Hannah and Ellie.<br />
<br />
I thank all of you for your support, love and friendship and would be honored if you'd continue to follow me there, but if not, I understand.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-43935298429187833442011-07-23T22:47:00.000-04:002011-07-23T22:47:24.553-04:00DeathThe past few nights I've had such trouble sleeping. Death weighing heavily on my mind. The permanence of death and the absolute anguish it causes.<br />
<br />
2 days ago, July 21, was my best friend's birthday. She would have been 32 had she not died 10 years ago today, July 23. A brain anuerism took her suddenly. Just like that. We spent our childhoods hand in hand. Inseparable. She was the sister I never had. It is still painful for me today to remember and miss her. It is painful for me to think of her mother, who lost her only child.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I learned my close friend's nephew died, drowned, on Thursday. He was 13. His friend had jumped in the river and was drowning. He jumped in to try to save him. Both boys died. I called my friend and just cried for him. The heartache. The pain. I hurt for his mother, how she must feel. I spent last night thinking how if only he hadn't tried to help...if only. We've all been there.<br />
<br />
And Hannah. I wonder who you would be today. My tiny princess. What if you'd had a chance to grow? To grow up?<br />
<br />
I don't understand death. I hate the way it makes me feel. I'm so thankful, though, that this is only our temporary home. But what do you do if you don't believe that?Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-53908700435914515472011-06-17T21:46:00.000-04:002011-06-17T21:46:08.050-04:00June 17Two years ago today I found out you existed. Found out I loved you. Found out my life would change forever.<br />
<br />
I love you sweet girl.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-91279432383262614502011-06-05T22:27:00.001-04:002011-06-05T22:30:32.220-04:00My BobbySometimes it makes me really mad.<br />
<br />
I loved to play with Bobby. I loved meeting playmates at the park, going to Gymboree, being his mom, being a mom. I still love to play with him and take him to the park and being his mom, but does he feel the same about me? Is this broken person really what he deserves? He deserves his whole mom back. Only when Hannah left, she took part of me. I am not and never will be the same. How is that fair? Why does Bobby get left with this beat up half of a mom? We all lose.<br />
<br />
I just want my daughter. I want my son. I want both of my daughters. I want me.<br />
<br />
Ahh just feeling defeated, feel defeated sometimes and need to get it out.<br />
<br />
He's watched me grieve for more than half of his life. How do I give him more? How can I just be better? I want to for him so badly. I just don't know how.<br />
<br />
There's so much on my mind.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-52173497672437086852011-05-22T21:26:00.000-04:002011-05-22T21:26:16.967-04:00RememberingToday we walked to remember you, Hannah. It was chilly and damp, but perfect. We remember you every day. How could we ever forget?<br />
<br />
Those first months of grief were the darkest days I've ever seen. So many tears. So many questions. So many sleepless nights and glasses of wine. I still have all of those same questions. I guess now I just accept that they will go unanswered in this life. Still, my mind wanders to who you would have been. What would life be like. <br />
<br />
Oh and if only I could of had one glimpse into those eyes.<br />
<br />
Love you so much sweet girl.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-58342164769221134882011-03-12T21:28:00.000-05:002011-03-12T21:28:59.680-05:00Grief with a purpose is a powerful force. Now add to that a mother's love and I'd say it's nearly unstoppable.<br />
<br />
My husband is working tonight and Bobby and Ellie are both asleep. I'm sitting reclined on the couch in the dark holding my infant daughter in my arms, listening to Booby's clock tick tock the seconds by. Occasionally he'll cough, finally recovering from the croup he must have caught in nursery school. So what do I do? I catch up on my Purpose-Driven and Girlfriends in God emails. I read the next scriptures on my Bible in a Year App. I check my Anchored by Hope email and find two new requests to add for Butterfly Mommies. So I read their stories and I'm just struck with two very tangible results of loss.<br />
<br />
The first. God is always here. He always has been, no matter how vacant this path has seemed. I've neglected this gift, taken this gift for granted, used what He's given while still clinging to my own plans. I am so far from perfect, yet He loves me. He loves me at my worst and at my best---the same.<br />
<br />
The second, the more difficult to accept or comprehend. It (the grief) can be used for good. The tears, pain, desperation, longing, anger, the GRIEF, can be used for good. That is why I began this post with that thought. Wow is grief powerful, intense. All of that can be used for good. So God, how do we work it?<br />
<br />
Hannah, you are one amazing little woman. Absolutely perfect and made of absolute pure love. Oh how your mommy loves you.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-45768026133673151602011-02-25T09:11:00.000-05:002011-02-25T09:11:41.595-05:00A ChangeI've always written my posts to an "audience", sort of wondering out loud. I wrote pretty often, too. Then I went blank for a while and just couldn't even begin to form the words. I don't know if I was numb or if it was a form of acceptance. Now, I'm feeling like I need to talk to her. I need to write it out to Hannah. I don't know why. I guess I want to thank her. There are a million things I wish I could share with her. There's just a million THINGS.<br />
But I'm still wondering why I just feel this now. Did I do FOR her this whole time and not WITH her? Have I been neglecting our connection as mother daughter to make it more bearable? Have I been avoiding this gift to guard my own heart? If so, it hasn't worked but I feel like there is so much I have pushed to the side. I don't even know if any single person will even understand one word I am writing.<br />
<br />
Hannah. Dear Hannah,<br />
<br />
Where do I start, 17 months later? It's been a journey. A real journey. I sit with your big brother beside me and your little sister sleeping in my arms. The day she was born I just knew you were with us. It hadn't rained or snowed or anything for at least a week. A dry, cold winter day. Yet there in the sky, a beautiful rainbow appeared. No other words but heaven sent.<br />
<br />
It's hard to imagine life sometimes in other ways. It makes me think of our prayers. Had God answered every one in the way WE planned, how our lives would be. Who WE would be. You have made me so much better. You have given me gifts I know otherwise I would never have. You truly are an angel.<br />
<br />
I love you my beautiful daughter.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyKaty Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-59644709014113927652011-02-18T10:25:00.000-05:002011-02-18T10:25:33.414-05:00February 18, 2011Dear Hannah,<br />
<br />
It's so hard to believe one year ago today you were due. I wonder who you'd be today. I wonder who you'd look like, would you be taking your first steps. I wonder so many things.<br />
<br />
We celebrated Jack's first birthday last week. He really is an adorable little boy. When I first saw him and saw him walking around it brought such a sadness to my heart. I was so proud of him and so devastated for you all in a single moment. I'm sure you're dancing in Heaven. I'm sure of that. But it doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved to have seen it here first myself. How I love you little girl. How I ache for you. How it just consumes me sometimes. How that guilt finds me. I'm so sorry, Hannah. I'm so sorry I let you down. And it's so hard to wonder and imagine now that your little sister is here because when I do, I have to picture that dream without one of you in it. I just can't do that. I just have to accept how it is and know that someday it WILL be all of us together.<br />
<br />
But to me, this will always be your special day. Bobby drew you some pictures and we're going to send you some balloons. I love you baby girl, always.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MommyKaty Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-47417229851623206492011-02-15T09:17:00.003-05:002011-02-15T09:17:10.185-05:00Winner(s)!Ok, ok, so those of you who follow me just know I am not capable of picking just 1 winner! Raquel, Natasha, Denise, Wendy and Butterflymom! Email me your baby's full name, color you like and your contact information when you get a chance! klarsen17@yahoo.com<br />
<br />
Thank you for all the lovely comments and thank you Mattie for this project!Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-17158715124665411302011-02-10T09:00:00.000-05:002011-02-10T09:00:43.184-05:00What LOVE Really Means (& a Giveaway!)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj5HQQBw-F5lA3HXEmh94hAO1og6Mfv5WFP9C3l5Hb7Q4ywnpah2VJFy1vhohfMDx4d2kd5pT7T3kcRtkykiTisE9DbwfdmDgLTyQ5j_TOu-kFXF5IME3rWyLanhYwf6vTQVxyXW3rqxk/s1600/whatlovereallymeans.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" h5="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj5HQQBw-F5lA3HXEmh94hAO1og6Mfv5WFP9C3l5Hb7Q4ywnpah2VJFy1vhohfMDx4d2kd5pT7T3kcRtkykiTisE9DbwfdmDgLTyQ5j_TOu-kFXF5IME3rWyLanhYwf6vTQVxyXW3rqxk/s1600/whatlovereallymeans.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">Today is my turn to join up with the lovely <a href="http://blessedbycreativejoy.blogspot.com/">Mattie</a> and several other wonderful blogging mommies to share what love really means to us. I'm honored to share a piece of my heart along with these other women, so here goes.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Love. Probably the most powerful word in the human language. The most coveted, the most longed for, and sometimes, the most painful.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">All we ever know of love we learn. We learn in moments all strung together wrapping us up in the emotions. We learn of the love between man and woman watching our parents growing up. Then one day we fall in love and learn through experience. We learn the true meaning of unconditional love when we have children. Countless times I have stared at my own children just in awe of the love they have brought into my life. We love our family. We love our friends. We learn to love them through good times and bad. Love is not always easy. It's not always Valentine's hearts and roses. In fact, most of the time it is not. But truth is, we need love. We need these connections. We sometimes even need that desperate pain that comes in the midst of it. We learn. We learn to give and receive. And since God himself is love, I know our greatest lessons lie in Him.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">My greatest lesson in love has also been my greatest gift and greatest hurt. One very special little girl taught me more about love, God's love, His grace, compassion and hope, than I ever even imagined existed.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Most of you who will read this post have felt that same loss, and I'm sure, have felt that same love. That love that caused your world to collapse. That love that broke your heart in a million pieces. That love you achingly clung to despite the facts. That love that you'd give anything to have. To have here. I felt and still feel all of that. But there's something else. That was my love to give and I am still amazed at what I am given in return.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">His grace. Not possible to survive without it. How else do we even breathe? Thank you Lord for that friend when I needed her. Thank you for that peaceful moment when I thought I'd lose my mind. Thank you for that stranger who shared their heart. His grace comes from love.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Faith. I believe. I BELIEVE He works all things for good. I BELIEVE I will see Hannah again. I BELIEVE in that glorious reunion and that Christ died for our sins. Out of love. All out of love.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Compassion. Never have I known such compassion in my life as what Hannah has given me. I have poured it out and I have taken it in. That compassion has been a lifeline. It has made an unbearable day bearable. It has filled me up where otherwise I am completely empty. It is PURE love working through God's children. And it was born in me that very same day Hannah was. LOVE.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Love to me is an action, a verb, ever moving and changing and working. It consists of endless sets of emotions and to truly put it into words is nearly impossible. You have to FEEL it, LIVE it, and sometimes most painfully, LEARN it.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">So in honor of these posts and Valentine's Day and just plain out of LOVE, I'd like to host a giveaway. What am I giving away, you ask? Don't know, but I'll surprise you with something nice, I promise! Just leave me a comment below about anything LOVE. I don't care what it is at all, a story, a quote, a verse, whatever. Just something about love that means something to you! </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">And don't forget to check back with <a href="http://blessedbycreativejoy.blogspot.com/">Mattie</a> tomorrow to keep reading and me on the Monday, February 14th for a winner!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div>Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-8247989309742381702011-01-19T09:16:00.000-05:002011-01-19T09:16:29.609-05:00EmotionsIt's been awhile.<br />
<br />
Ellie is here now. In fact as we speak I am sitting in the car on the way to have an x-ray and ultrasound on her. Precautionary, really, but I just feel so bad.<br />
<br />
I remember when Bobby was little. Rocking him to sleep. Holding him all day long. Awed and amazed. I couldn't believe he was mine. Now so many times in the early hours of morning when sleep still has somewhat of a hold on me, I look at Ellie's sleeping face against my chest and I just don't think it is possible to love them anymore than I do. It's overwhelming, really, how I love them.<br />
<br />
All of them.<br />
<br />
Ahh, then come the nightmares and sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guilt that I have for so long tried to shake claws at my feelings and my conscience. If my body hadn't forced her out, she'd be here. Picturing her tiny body. Every perfect part. Complete, yet lifeless. I let her down. She depended on me and I let her down.<br />
<br />
I miss you, Hannah. I'm sorry. So sorry. And I love you so much.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-44014969831038018602010-12-12T08:39:00.000-05:002010-12-12T08:39:52.317-05:00Winners!Thank you all so much for all of your comments and love yesterday! I loved receiving and reading each and every one. So I went to random.org this morning and here we have it---or winners!<br />
<br />
I picked one official winner for the candleholder and that is Teresa Farmer. Congratulations! I also picked three runner-ups to receive an ornament and they are Trena, Leanne Hoovler and Michelle. Congrats to you girls as well! Please e-mail me at your earliest convenience at <a href="mailto:hannahshonor@yahoo.com">hannahshonor@yahoo.com</a>. Teresa, let me know the name you would like as well as the symbol. Trena, Leanne and Michelle, let me know the name(s) as well as a color for each ornament (pink, blue, purple or green).<br />
<br />
I look forward to hearing from you!Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-29776836025252466392010-12-10T21:22:00.000-05:002010-12-10T21:22:35.587-05:00It's Giveaway Time!Well, almost! Technically I'm 3 hours early, but just want to have this up and open for comments! I am so excited to be taking part in <a href="http://livingwithoutsophiaandellie.blogspot.com/">Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways</a> once again this year! It blessed me last year in that I met some really wonderful women and created some lasting friendships. Truly a great thing to try to spread some cheer throughout a season which is so difficult without our babies. So, here we go!<br />
<br />
Hannah inspired in me a love of crafting and creating and I am always trying something new! My most recent project is etching glass. I'd like to offer a custom etched glass candleholder to the winner of my giveaway like the one pictured below. I can put any name and any symbol (butterfly, ladybug, rose---you name it!) on it that you like!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoQp25us_ocXrS0y_diUW9WKd0pxQnGi9MTlj5a4J6WDsHPF5xiI5kAfkkwDBi-HSiyIb8ygqaPP8d-cddx-HaYSt3he27lvoAWR9c9rfO421OjyQuvLx_2-Q3WqaFB7TYXrsrDYoGWZg/s1600/IMG_5108.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoQp25us_ocXrS0y_diUW9WKd0pxQnGi9MTlj5a4J6WDsHPF5xiI5kAfkkwDBi-HSiyIb8ygqaPP8d-cddx-HaYSt3he27lvoAWR9c9rfO421OjyQuvLx_2-Q3WqaFB7TYXrsrDYoGWZg/s320/IMG_5108.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
And just so you know, I've been known to throw in a couple runner-ups here and there to win things! It does my heart good to try to help someone elses! So, leave me a comment---say anything! Has Hannah affected your life? Are you new to this journey? Is this your first Christmas or your fourth? Tell me about your baby. I'd like to get to know each and every one of you, or if I already do, learn something new about you.<br />
<br />
Lots of love---and good luck!Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com41tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-1739314278854191922010-11-26T09:45:00.000-05:002010-11-26T09:45:29.270-05:0025 Days of GiveawaysI am so excited to be participating in <a href="http://livingwithoutsophiaandellie.blogspot.com/">Tina's</a> 25 Days of Giveaways again this year. Last year it was so special to me to host my day on Hannah's 3 month Angelversary and to get to know a lot of other BLM's who I have walked this path with this last year. It begins on December 1, so head over to <a href="http://livingwithoutsophiaandellie.blogspot.com/">Tina's blog</a> that day to see what blog to go to that day for a giveaway. My day this year is December 11. It truly does help to be able to share your baby(ies) with others during the holidays and know that they are remembered by others as well.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-88600167459899403442010-11-21T04:28:00.001-05:002010-11-21T04:30:02.406-05:0014 MonthsHas it really been that long?<br />
<br />
I haven't had much of anything to say. Do I think it? Do I feel it? Yes. Can I get it out? No.<br />
<br />
It lives inside of me. It's just so much of who I am now that to separate these emotions and pull them out would be devastating. Who knows if I even make sense. It's 4:23 am and I've been up since 2 for no good reason and my mind has just been spinning---which in turn, awakens things in my heart.<br />
<br />
14 months ago I lost you, sweet girl. How very different I was then. How very different life was. I love you so much, Hannah.<br />
<br />
Always.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436271556683334135.post-9241918523701469832010-10-21T09:44:00.000-04:002010-10-21T09:44:22.336-04:0013 MonthsHappy 13 Months in Heaven, sweet Hannah. Mommy loves you.<br />
<br />
I was in Carter's the other day to get Bobby a fall jacket. They have a little Lego table in the middle of the store for the kids to play with while the parents shop. Bobby was happily playing with 2 little girls.<br />
<br />
(Caution: TRIGGER)<br />
<br />
I hear him saying "Ellie Belles". (His sister that I am currently pregnant with)<br />
<br />
The little girls are saying, "Eyebrows?" I said, "No, Ellie Belles. He's talking about his little sister." The little girl asks, "Do you have a baby in your belly?"<br />
<br />
"Yes."<br />
<br />
Then, Bobby, "I have another sister, too. Her name is Hanni."<br />
<br />
Big smile on that sweet face.<br />
<br />
My heart breaks.<br />
<br />
Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? Why in all his innocence does he know that babies can die and go to Heaven?<br />
<br />
13 Months, Hannah. I love you more than words can say.Katy Larsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14147665316890835738noreply@blogger.com15