In Hannah's Honor

Heavy

2012-01-24T17:32:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's the eyes of loss, but looking around I see so much sadness in the world. Yet in the midst of it all there is something else. Something much bigger than sadness. Much braver and wiser and definitely much more needed. Love. I see love.

A father painfully recounts his son's last days. It's been the worst year of his life. A mother shares the eulogy she's delivered only a matter of days ago. How will she live without her son? Tears. Tears and pain and hurt and heartache. Sadness. Yet the response is overwhelming. The blanket of love that wraps around them is amazing to behold.

I remember well those dark dark days when my daughter was first taken. It was cold. It was lonely. I was desperate and despaired and angry. I was a sad that has no description because it is just beyond words. Two and a half years later I am wrapped in a beautiful blanket of LOVE. All because of Hannah. It is amazing and beautiful and yes, still sad. But thank you to all of you who are part of that warmth which surrounds me.

I miss blogging. I started a different blog but it just doesn't feel right. This is her place and I just need to feel her.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

2011-09-21T10:30:00.000-04:00

This is your space. Has been your space and so I just need to talk to you today.

Happy Birthday Hannah.

I was sad last night going to bed. I was sad when I woke up this morning. I'm sad right now. I hope you are happy in Heaven. I hope you really are dancing and playing like everyone says you are. I hope that is real and true. I hope.

I really wish I could look in your eyes and tell you how much I love you. They are the only part of you I've never seen. I remember so much about this day 2 years ago, but I forget so much, too. I live with regret. I live with an unsettled feeling in my heart that if only....what if....how come.

Ahhh but then there's Ellie. Your little sister. She wouldn't be here. Did you send her? Is she like you? Oh how I would have my hands full. Oh how I wish I did.

I love you my girl. I miss you.

Happy, happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven.

2011-08-04T15:32:00.000-04:00

I don't post here much anymore. Not because Hannah is not on my mind---she always is. She always will be on my mind and thoughts, in my heart, right here with me.

It is different now.

I do have things to say. I do have feelings that sit on my chest like a heavy weight and cause my eyes to sting with tears. But it's different now. Where as before I was living IN my grief, really just surviving, now I'm living WITH it. It is a part of my life. It is a part of who I am. It is a part of how I interact with my living children.

Here I mostly tried to focus on Hannah and how I was feeling. Having Eliana here now has caused things to resurface and also to heal. I've not really shared much of these things because I don't want to cause heartache for someone new on their grief journey by talking about my rainbow. Or even by talking about Bobby too much, Hannah's big brother.

So I've made a decision. I'm going to have this blog printed. I'm not going to blog here anymore, but at my new blog, Broken Yet Whole. I need to blog about all 5 of us. Together. Robert, Katy (me), Bobby, Hannah and Ellie.

I thank all of you for your support, love and friendship and would be honored if you'd continue to follow me there, but if not, I understand.

Death

2011-07-23T22:47:00.000-04:00

The past few nights I've had such trouble sleeping. Death weighing heavily on my mind. The permanence of death and the absolute anguish it causes.

2 days ago, July 21, was my best friend's birthday. She would have been 32 had she not died 10 years ago today, July 23. A brain anuerism took her suddenly. Just like that. We spent our childhoods hand in hand. Inseparable. She was the sister I never had. It is still painful for me today to remember and miss her. It is painful for me to think of her mother, who lost her only child.

Yesterday I learned my close friend's nephew died, drowned, on Thursday. He was 13. His friend had jumped in the river and was drowning. He jumped in to try to save him. Both boys died. I called my friend and just cried for him. The heartache. The pain. I hurt for his mother, how she must feel. I spent last night thinking how if only he hadn't tried to help...if only. We've all been there.

And Hannah. I wonder who you would be today. My tiny princess. What if you'd had a chance to grow? To grow up?

I don't understand death. I hate the way it makes me feel. I'm so thankful, though, that this is only our temporary home. But what do you do if you don't believe that?

June 17

2011-06-17T21:46:00.000-04:00

Two years ago today I found out you existed. Found out I loved you. Found out my life would change forever.

I love you sweet girl.

My Bobby

2011-06-05T22:27:00.001-04:00

Sometimes it makes me really mad.

I loved to play with Bobby. I loved meeting playmates at the park, going to Gymboree, being his mom, being a mom. I still love to play with him and take him to the park and being his mom, but does he feel the same about me? Is this broken person really what he deserves? He deserves his whole mom back. Only when Hannah left, she took part of me. I am not and never will be the same. How is that fair? Why does Bobby get left with this beat up half of a mom? We all lose.

I just want my daughter. I want my son. I want both of my daughters. I want me.

Ahh just feeling defeated, feel defeated sometimes and need to get it out.

He's watched me grieve for more than half of his life. How do I give him more? How can I just be better? I want to for him so badly. I just don't know how.

There's so much on my mind.

Remembering

2011-05-22T21:26:00.000-04:00

Today we walked to remember you, Hannah. It was chilly and damp, but perfect. We remember you every day. How could we ever forget?

Those first months of grief were the darkest days I've ever seen. So many tears. So many questions. So many sleepless nights and glasses of wine. I still have all of those same questions. I guess now I just accept that they will go unanswered in this life. Still, my mind wanders to who you would have been. What would life be like.

Oh and if only I could of had one glimpse into those eyes.

Love you so much sweet girl.

2011-03-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

Grief with a purpose is a powerful force. Now add to that a mother's love and I'd say it's nearly unstoppable.

My husband is working tonight and Bobby and Ellie are both asleep. I'm sitting reclined on the couch in the dark holding my infant daughter in my arms, listening to Booby's clock tick tock the seconds by. Occasionally he'll cough, finally recovering from the croup he must have caught in nursery school. So what do I do? I catch up on my Purpose-Driven and Girlfriends in God emails. I read the next scriptures on my Bible in a Year App. I check my Anchored by Hope email and find two new requests to add for Butterfly Mommies. So I read their stories and I'm just struck with two very tangible results of loss.

The first. God is always here. He always has been, no matter how vacant this path has seemed. I've neglected this gift, taken this gift for granted, used what He's given while still clinging to my own plans. I am so far from perfect, yet He loves me. He loves me at my worst and at my best---the same.

The second, the more difficult to accept or comprehend. It (the grief) can be used for good. The tears, pain, desperation, longing, anger, the GRIEF, can be used for good. That is why I began this post with that thought. Wow is grief powerful, intense. All of that can be used for good. So God, how do we work it?

Hannah, you are one amazing little woman. Absolutely perfect and made of absolute pure love. Oh how your mommy loves you.

A Change

2011-02-25T09:11:00.000-05:00

I've always written my posts to an "audience", sort of wondering out loud. I wrote pretty often, too. Then I went blank for a while and just couldn't even begin to form the words. I don't know if I was numb or if it was a form of acceptance. Now, I'm feeling like I need to talk to her. I need to write it out to Hannah. I don't know why. I guess I want to thank her. There are a million things I wish I could share with her. There's just a million THINGS.
But I'm still wondering why I just feel this now. Did I do FOR her this whole time and not WITH her? Have I been neglecting our connection as mother daughter to make it more bearable? Have I been avoiding this gift to guard my own heart? If so, it hasn't worked but I feel like there is so much I have pushed to the side. I don't even know if any single person will even understand one word I am writing.

Hannah. Dear Hannah,

Where do I start, 17 months later? It's been a journey. A real journey. I sit with your big brother beside me and your little sister sleeping in my arms. The day she was born I just knew you were with us. It hadn't rained or snowed or anything for at least a week. A dry, cold winter day. Yet there in the sky, a beautiful rainbow appeared. No other words but heaven sent.

It's hard to imagine life sometimes in other ways. It makes me think of our prayers. Had God answered every one in the way WE planned, how our lives would be. Who WE would be. You have made me so much better. You have given me gifts I know otherwise I would never have. You truly are an angel.

I love you my beautiful daughter.

Love,
Mommy

February 18, 2011

2011-02-18T10:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Hannah,

It's so hard to believe one year ago today you were due. I wonder who you'd be today. I wonder who you'd look like, would you be taking your first steps. I wonder so many things.

We celebrated Jack's first birthday last week. He really is an adorable little boy. When I first saw him and saw him walking around it brought such a sadness to my heart. I was so proud of him and so devastated for you all in a single moment. I'm sure you're dancing in Heaven. I'm sure of that. But it doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved to have seen it here first myself. How I love you little girl. How I ache for you. How it just consumes me sometimes. How that guilt finds me. I'm so sorry, Hannah. I'm so sorry I let you down. And it's so hard to wonder and imagine now that your little sister is here because when I do, I have to picture that dream without one of you in it. I just can't do that. I just have to accept how it is and know that someday it WILL be all of us together.

But to me, this will always be your special day. Bobby drew you some pictures and we're going to send you some balloons. I love you baby girl, always.

Love,
Mommy

Winner(s)!

2011-02-15T09:17:00.003-05:00

Ok, ok, so those of you who follow me just know I am not capable of picking just 1 winner! Raquel, Natasha, Denise, Wendy and Butterflymom! Email me your baby's full name, color you like and your contact information when you get a chance! klarsen17@yahoo.com

Thank you for all the lovely comments and thank you Mattie for this project!

What LOVE Really Means (& a Giveaway!)

2011-02-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

Today is my turn to join up with the lovely Mattie and several other wonderful blogging mommies to share what love really means to us. I'm honored to share a piece of my heart along with these other women, so here goes.

Love. Probably the most powerful word in the human language. The most coveted, the most longed for, and sometimes, the most painful.

All we ever know of love we learn. We learn in moments all strung together wrapping us up in the emotions. We learn of the love between man and woman watching our parents growing up. Then one day we fall in love and learn through experience. We learn the true meaning of unconditional love when we have children. Countless times I have stared at my own children just in awe of the love they have brought into my life. We love our family. We love our friends. We learn to love them through good times and bad. Love is not always easy. It's not always Valentine's hearts and roses. In fact, most of the time it is not. But truth is, we need love. We need these connections. We sometimes even need that desperate pain that comes in the midst of it. We learn. We learn to give and receive. And since God himself is love, I know our greatest lessons lie in Him.

My greatest lesson in love has also been my greatest gift and greatest hurt. One very special little girl taught me more about love, God's love, His grace, compassion and hope, than I ever even imagined existed.

Most of you who will read this post have felt that same loss, and I'm sure, have felt that same love. That love that caused your world to collapse. That love that broke your heart in a million pieces. That love you achingly clung to despite the facts. That love that you'd give anything to have. To have here. I felt and still feel all of that. But there's something else. That was my love to give and I am still amazed at what I am given in return.

His grace. Not possible to survive without it. How else do we even breathe? Thank you Lord for that friend when I needed her. Thank you for that peaceful moment when I thought I'd lose my mind. Thank you for that stranger who shared their heart. His grace comes from love.

Faith. I believe. I BELIEVE He works all things for good. I BELIEVE I will see Hannah again. I BELIEVE in that glorious reunion and that Christ died for our sins. Out of love. All out of love.

Compassion. Never have I known such compassion in my life as what Hannah has given me. I have poured it out and I have taken it in. That compassion has been a lifeline. It has made an unbearable day bearable. It has filled me up where otherwise I am completely empty. It is PURE love working through God's children. And it was born in me that very same day Hannah was. LOVE.

Love to me is an action, a verb, ever moving and changing and working. It consists of endless sets of emotions and to truly put it into words is nearly impossible. You have to FEEL it, LIVE it, and sometimes most painfully, LEARN it.

So in honor of these posts and Valentine's Day and just plain out of LOVE, I'd like to host a giveaway. What am I giving away, you ask? Don't know, but I'll surprise you with something nice, I promise! Just leave me a comment below about anything LOVE. I don't care what it is at all, a story, a quote, a verse, whatever. Just something about love that means something to you!

And don't forget to check back with Mattie tomorrow to keep reading and me on the Monday, February 14th for a winner!

Emotions

2011-01-19T09:16:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile.

Ellie is here now. In fact as we speak I am sitting in the car on the way to have an x-ray and ultrasound on her. Precautionary, really, but I just feel so bad.

I remember when Bobby was little. Rocking him to sleep. Holding him all day long. Awed and amazed. I couldn't believe he was mine. Now so many times in the early hours of morning when sleep still has somewhat of a hold on me, I look at Ellie's sleeping face against my chest and I just don't think it is possible to love them anymore than I do. It's overwhelming, really, how I love them.

All of them.

Ahh, then come the nightmares and sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guilt that I have for so long tried to shake claws at my feelings and my conscience. If my body hadn't forced her out, she'd be here. Picturing her tiny body. Every perfect part. Complete, yet lifeless. I let her down. She depended on me and I let her down.

I miss you, Hannah. I'm sorry. So sorry. And I love you so much.

Winners!

2010-12-12T08:39:00.000-05:00

Thank you all so much for all of your comments and love yesterday! I loved receiving and reading each and every one. So I went to random.org this morning and here we have it---or winners!

I picked one official winner for the candleholder and that is Teresa Farmer. Congratulations! I also picked three runner-ups to receive an ornament and they are Trena, Leanne Hoovler and Michelle. Congrats to you girls as well! Please e-mail me at your earliest convenience at hannahshonor@yahoo.com. Teresa, let me know the name you would like as well as the symbol. Trena, Leanne and Michelle, let me know the name(s) as well as a color for each ornament (pink, blue, purple or green).

I look forward to hearing from you!

It's Giveaway Time!

2010-12-10T21:22:00.000-05:00

Well, almost! Technically I'm 3 hours early, but just want to have this up and open for comments! I am so excited to be taking part in Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways once again this year! It blessed me last year in that I met some really wonderful women and created some lasting friendships. Truly a great thing to try to spread some cheer throughout a season which is so difficult without our babies. So, here we go!

Hannah inspired in me a love of crafting and creating and I am always trying something new! My most recent project is etching glass. I'd like to offer a custom etched glass candleholder to the winner of my giveaway like the one pictured below. I can put any name and any symbol (butterfly, ladybug, rose---you name it!) on it that you like!

And just so you know, I've been known to throw in a couple runner-ups here and there to win things! It does my heart good to try to help someone elses! So, leave me a comment---say anything! Has Hannah affected your life? Are you new to this journey? Is this your first Christmas or your fourth? Tell me about your baby. I'd like to get to know each and every one of you, or if I already do, learn something new about you.

Lots of love---and good luck!

25 Days of Giveaways

2010-11-26T09:45:00.000-05:00

I am so excited to be participating in Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways again this year. Last year it was so special to me to host my day on Hannah's 3 month Angelversary and to get to know a lot of other BLM's who I have walked this path with this last year. It begins on December 1, so head over to Tina's blog that day to see what blog to go to that day for a giveaway. My day this year is December 11. It truly does help to be able to share your baby(ies) with others during the holidays and know that they are remembered by others as well.

14 Months

2010-11-21T04:28:00.001-05:00

Has it really been that long?

I haven't had much of anything to say. Do I think it? Do I feel it? Yes. Can I get it out? No.

It lives inside of me. It's just so much of who I am now that to separate these emotions and pull them out would be devastating. Who knows if I even make sense. It's 4:23 am and I've been up since 2 for no good reason and my mind has just been spinning---which in turn, awakens things in my heart.

14 months ago I lost you, sweet girl. How very different I was then. How very different life was. I love you so much, Hannah.

Always.

13 Months

2010-10-21T09:44:00.000-04:00

Happy 13 Months in Heaven, sweet Hannah. Mommy loves you.

I was in Carter's the other day to get Bobby a fall jacket. They have a little Lego table in the middle of the store for the kids to play with while the parents shop. Bobby was happily playing with 2 little girls.

(Caution: TRIGGER)

I hear him saying "Ellie Belles". (His sister that I am currently pregnant with)

The little girls are saying, "Eyebrows?" I said, "No, Ellie Belles. He's talking about his little sister." The little girl asks, "Do you have a baby in your belly?"

"Yes."

Then, Bobby, "I have another sister, too. Her name is Hanni."

Big smile on that sweet face.

My heart breaks.

Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? Why in all his innocence does he know that babies can die and go to Heaven?

13 Months, Hannah. I love you more than words can say.

Remembering Our Babies

2010-10-15T08:35:00.000-04:00

So many of you and your babies have touched my heart and my life during this past year and I will be remembering you all tonight as I light my candle. Thank you for your friendship and for sharing the lives of your babies with me. I love them all. And I love you Hannah and those two little lives I lost early on.

Pumpkins!

2010-10-10T14:22:00.001-04:00

Bobby with all the pumpkins! Can't wait to see them all lit up at night!

Bobby's Diego Pumpkin

Hannah's Ladybug Pumpkin

Ellie's Owl Pumpkin

The little pumpkins Bobby painted. The dogs got one, too!

Hannah's Birthday & Walk

2010-10-10T14:16:00.002-04:00

I have a lot of catching up to do! First I want to thank everyone who supported us as we honored Hannah on her birthday. It was so comforting to know that others were thinking of her as well. (Thank you Andrea, Ann, Kristie, Sarita, Crystal and Mom and Dad for the special gifts you gave us in her memory.)

It was a beautiful day out. We began by going to the store for balloons to release on the South Amboy Waterfront. We didn't know, unfortunately, that they were currently doing construction with the rip rap on the beach, but it was still a beautiful and peaceful moment to honor her.

Bobby colored her a Birthday card and let it go tied to his and Ellie's balloon.

Then Bobby helped Daddy let his balloon go.

Then we let mine go.

After Bobby played on the playground for a little while, we went and had a nice lunch together. Then we went over to the bakery to get some cupcakes. I was going to bake a cake with Bobby until I got an email that Hannah's birthday week was the same week that this bakery was participating in "Cupcakes for a Cause". All of the money made on these cupcakes that week was donated to children's cancer research. I thought it was a great gift from Hannah to buy these cupcakes on her birthday, so we bought a dozen.

When we got home we had received flowers from my mom and dad.....

And these are the ones we bought for Hannah on her First Birthday in Heaven.....

My parents came for dinner and we enjoyed spending the time honoring our little angel. We looked through her baby book and her photo album and cried a little, but mostly it was a nice, peaceful day.

It seemed so appropriate that 4 days later was the SHARE Walk to Remember. It was another beautiful day to honor one special little girl.

We love you and miss you, sweet girl, so much!

The Winners Are...

2010-09-22T08:42:00.001-04:00

First of all, I just want to thank everyone for all the love and support. I wish I had more time to write this morning, but unfortunately I don't. Yesterday was a nice, peaceful day, however, and I appreciate you all so much. I'll be posting within the next couple of days some pictures from our day.

But without further delay, the winner is Lauren! I'm giving away a custom wooden memory box. I've also chosen 4 runner ups to receive a special prize! They are: Patty, Our Journey, Melanie and Elainna. Congrats, girls! Please just send me an email with your full name/address and I'll get these out right away! My email is klarsen17@yahoo.com.

Happy Birthday, Hannah---and a present for one of you

2010-09-21T09:06:00.004-04:00

Today is Hannah's First Birthday in Heaven. My husband took off today and we have a few things planned to do as a family followed by dinner with my parents tonight.

Today is hard already. Picturing that sweet little girl tht never got a chance. Knowing all that we, that she, will miss out on. Trying to remember she has so much more than any of that now.

A lot of my family has seemed to have forgotten her. It makes me sad. If she were here, they'd be fighting to hold her. She's not here and they don't even speak her name. Besides my parents, two aunts and a few other people, really my family support is non-existent. I'll put that aside and just hope that in their hearts she is thought of from time to time.

The support from other BLM's is amazing. Thank you to each and every one of you who posted on my FB wall or sent me an email. Thank you to my sweet friend Andrea as I know she is honoring Hannah with me. Thank you to Kristie and all the ABH girls. Thank you to Antoinette for making Hannah's Birthday an event. The list goes on when it comes to the support I receive from these women who didn't even know me this day last year that Hannah was born. You have no idea how much it means, and so, I'd like to share Hannah's Birthday present with you and have a giveaway. To enter just leave me a comment on how my daughter has affected your life in some way. I'll announce the winner(s) and the prize(s) in the morning.

September

2010-09-03T09:56:00.001-04:00

I can't believe it is September already. It brings on a whole new set of emotions, really. In just a few weeks, I will be staring Hannah's first birthday in the face. I have been thining about these days so much. About how it all began. About how it all ended---and began again, in a different way.

I am looking forward to the Share Memorial Walk. We walked last year in October on my 31st birthday. This year the walk falls 4 days after Hannah's 1st birthday. I am glad my husband and I are able to be involved in some way, too. It helps to be able to do something. We are donating the water and my husband will DJ the ceremony in the beginning before the walk begins.

Really, this is so frustrating. I have so much to say and just no words to use to describe it. Writers block of my emotions.

How I love you sweet girl. How I miss you.

My World

2010-08-20T08:51:00.000-04:00

I know I've been quiet. I have been sort of spun into a world where joy and sorrow now co-exist. Beautifully. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the grace of God each day. I have hope. I have things to look forward to. I am not moving on, I am marching ahead---not farther from Hannah, but closer to her for Eternity.

There is still a hole in my heart. She filled that space the instant I knew she even existed and when she left, she took that with her. But I know where that treasure lies. I know for certain.

What a path it has been. Saturday marks 11 months. I can't believe it. Next month, her birthday. Her first Birthday in Heaven. And the path continues. I journey through new emotions. I journey through old ones, too.

I am richly blessed by wonderful friendships. I am so richly blessed, in ways I would not be had she not gone. I try not to think on that alternate universe where things played out as expected. Where she lived. How it would be now. How I would be complete---yet empty. Losing her has filled me, yet left me incomplete. Again, the co-mingling of joy and sorrow.

Hannah

a face I remember
when I close my eyes
dream dreams of
Heaven

a face I remember
full of beauty and grace
drove me to my knees
Hannah

a face I wish I
could gaze into her eyes
seeing hope and a
sparkle of
Heaven

I love you sweet girl.

A Pray Date Giveaway

2010-07-30T09:48:00.000-04:00

Today is a tough day for me and being I hit 200 posts on my Pray Date blog, I decided to host a giveaway, to help me through this day and perhaps, to help you along your grief journey. You don't need to be a follower to enter, though if you'd like to, I'd love to have you. To enter, click here.

10 Months and a Birthday

2010-07-22T08:48:00.001-04:00

Yesterday marked 10 months since Hannah Katherine left us. 10 months. It's hard to believe how fast, yet how slow, the time goes all at once. Yesterday was also my best friend's birthday. She would have been 31, had she not died suddenly 9 years ago tomorrow.

You never know where life will lead you. So many times in my life I have felt like I've been on a "sure" path---the "right" path---when suddenly, the unexpected happens and throws you all off course. It was never anything so devastating as losing my daughter until 10 months ago. That was life changing, not just "path" altering. Life changing. So many times I have sat here and wondered why and searched my heart and mind with questions, finding no answers. I know someday in Heaven I will know, and my reward will be great. To feel her in my arms again. To kiss her beautiful face. To see the sunlight in her hair. To tell her I love her.

10 months. Happy 10 months, Hannah. And Happy Birthday, Erica.

Dear Hannah

2010-07-19T08:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Hannah,

My beautiful daughter. How bittersweet life is these days. These months seem so much to parallel those of last summer. Except you are not here. Except I am not the same person I was last summer. You are going to have a little sisiter. I am hopeful for her. I am longing for you. I wish with all my heart that you could both be. That I could have you both.

I haven't written in a while from my heart. I've posted facts or information, or passed on prayer requests, but I've kept from digging too deeply into my heart. Afraid of what I would find. I layed in bed this morning listening for Bobby to awake. I was thinking of you and holding you in my hands. How little you were. How perfect. But my mind always drifts away from these moments to the terrible things that happened in that room. I shut it down. I opened my Bible. I found a beautiful passage in Lamentations. I have come to accept this life. I have come to accept that you are gone. I still just miss you so much. I still just wish it could be different, but now I feel so torn.

I just want you to know I love you. Just because I am quiet does not mean you still do not spend every day on my mind and in my heart. You do. You always will. You are my beautiful daughter.

Online Bible Study Fall

2010-07-16T09:30:00.000-04:00

We're so excited to welcome Amy to the Anchored by Hope team. She will be leading our next study set to begin Sunday, September 12 at 7pm Central. For more info or to sign up, contact Amy at amy@anchoredbyhope.com.

Again

2010-07-14T10:00:00.001-04:00

I feel like I always come asking for prayers, but they are needed. Ashley lost her brother yesterday in a car accident. She lost her Nolan last year and is currently about 15 weeks pregnant. Please show her some love and keep her family in your prayers. Please also continue to pray for Shandrea.

Sad News

2010-07-04T16:00:00.000-04:00

I know you have all been praying and I appreciate it so much. Sadly, Shandrea has lost her third baby. Please continue to pray for her and visit her blog to offer her some encouragement and love.

Please Pray

2010-06-30T16:08:00.002-04:00

Please pray for a very sweet friend of mine. I can't disclose name or situation, but God knows who she is. He knows her needs. He knows and has the power to heal. Please pray.

Post #100 + MORE Questions + the Winner is.....

2010-06-30T09:44:00.000-04:00

Post #100! Yay! Now for the last of the questions and then to announce the winners as picked by my handsome 2 year old assistant!

Belle asked, "How do prepare yourself for the eventual hard questions that you'll get from your son one day? What do you think you'll say?"

I don't think I can prepare, I will just answer them as gently and honestly as I can. I won't give him more than he can handle. I am sure I will know what is right when the time comes. As far as what I'll say, I'll tell him all about his beautiful little sister. Whatever he wants to know.

Mattie asked, "What book has been the most helpful to you in your grief process?"
Easy one. The Bible. I know many women immerse themselves in books. While I have always loved to read, I have not done this. I have read 2 books about grief in the past 9 months, and finished both recently. The first was "Hearing Jesus Speak in yoour Sorrow" by Nancy Guthrie. Wonderful, wonderful book. The second was given to me by a sweet friend, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. All I can say to this book is WOW. I HIGHLY recommend. HIGHLY. It was wonderful and she is a beautiful living example of God's grace.

Lisette asked, "What word would you use to describe grief?
Hmmmm. Tough one. If I had to pick one word I would say constant. Not constantly the same, but constant. It is this new "thing" that walks with me through life now.

Andrea asked, "What value in your life has strengthened or changed the most since Hannah was born?"

I don't know that my values have changed so much, but I am much more passionate about many things. I think the characteristic that has come out most in me is compassion. I've said before, I feel like I suffer from altruism (the desire the help someone else in the same situation as yourself as a means of helping yourself). I value life in general more, including that of strangers and many women I do not know. I guess losing Hannah has given me a purpose and a mission in my life.

Thank you all for participating and for all the great questions! It's been fun (and difficult) to answer them all! Now the winners.......(Bobby picked 2 because he likes that number!)

Shandrea and Jennifer (The Blue Sparrow)

Yay! Congratulations! You both have a choice of your prize which you can email me your choice along with your address to klarsen17@yahoo.com.

CHOICES ARE.....

A Blessing Ring (let me know what color/theme if you pick this) or a Memorial Plaque (scripture quoted is Jeremiah 1:5)

Congratulations guys and thank you all for playing along!

Post #99 + Some More Answers!

2010-06-28T15:01:00.002-04:00

Ok! Last chance to ask me a question before I end this Giveaway! Here are my answers to the next group of (9) VERY difficult questions!

Shandrea asked, "How has your faith changed from the time you were pregnant with Hannah to today?"
My faith has grown tremendously. Before I lost Hannah I don't even know that I KNEW the true meaning of faith. I've been through some incredibly difficult things in my life but never one where I had the cling to God just to survive each day. I get that now. I have a new understanding of what having a relationship with God truly means.

Crystal asked, "If you could give one piece of advice to another mother who is just beginning this journey what would it be?" and "What is your favorite way to remember Hannah? and why?"
My advice would be just to let yourself feel what you are feeling and to hold on to Jesus. I don't have a favorite way of remembering Hannah, I guess. She is always on my mind and in my heart. She is my daughter. I LOVE when other people remember her, though!

Maggie asked, "What was your wedding like?"
My wedding was wonderful! My husband and I got married outside in a place called Deep Cut Gardens. They even have a butterfly garden there. It truly is a beautiful place, so peaceful as we stood outside saying our vows in front of a beautiful pond. The reception was at a place called Jacques. The food was amazing and we just felt so blessed to be surrounded by all of our family! Everyone danced and had a great time!

(I really wish I had better pictures on my computer but I guess these are better than nothing!)

Sarita Boyette asked, "I admire your faith and I wanted to ask you when you became a Christian and what book of the Bible holds the most meaning for you?"
I have always been a Christian, but would have to say that losing Hannah redefined what that actually meant to me and it took on a whole new meaning. I thank her for this gift each day. I like the book of Job. Job was a righteous man, tempted and tried by the devil in all the worst ways. God did not cause these things to happen, He allowed them, and Job was blessed doubly in the end. I am by no means righteous and cannot even compare myself to Job, but I look forward to that beautiful blessing (Hannah) I will be holding in Heaven. I KNOW God is faithful.

Trisha asked, "Do you ever wonder why?"
All the time. When the why starts to get the best of me I just have to remember that God knows and understands things that are just impossible for me to. I just have to trust and know that when I am in Heaven all things will be made clear.

Amanda asked, "Is there any one person that knew just what to say or any one book/item that really helped you get through the tough times?"
There have been several people I could not have gone through this without. First, my husband. He is a rock in my eyes. He lets me crumble and holds me up through his own grief. My mom. She always remembers Hannah and loves her (almost) as much as I do. My Aunt Crystal. We never had a close relationship, but there she was, right when I needed her. She has become one of my best friends. She always remembers Hannah, is constant in reaffirming my faith and supporting me and is always doing something in Hannah's memory. I never expected to find some of my greatest support there, but surprisingly, I have. This community. No words are necessary to describe the love and support of so many in this community.

Holly asked, "Where are you usually at when you remember Hannah the most?"
Everytime I see a ladybug. Everytime I look out my window at her weeping cherry. Every night when I turn her curio light on and light her candle. When I say my prayers. Everytime I breathe. She is always on my mind.

Nicole asked, "How do you stop the tears (from losing Hannah) when it feels like they will never end?"
I don't stop them. I pray for peace.

Antoinette asked, "HOW does your faith continue to grow even after all you have been through? Have you ever felt that "God" was against you like many of us have felt?"
Many, many times I have cried out to God---WHY? What have I done? Why did Hannah deserve this? Why couldn't you have taken me and let her live? WHY? So many times. I have felt like He was against me. "Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him". For me, there is no choice. God is my hope. My hope to see Hannah again. My hope to have mercy and peace to get through each day. My hope to grow and share His love and compassion with others. It grows because Jesus is my friend. He is always there to talk to. To cry to. To question and to wonder. God is ever faithful and HE NEVER CHANGES. He is the same God now that He was before I lost Hannah. I can depend on Him, lean on Him, rely on Him. How would I ever even get through this without Him?

Tough. Tough. Tough.

Post #98 + An Answer to 6 Questions!

2010-06-23T09:16:00.001-04:00

Wow. You guys are asking some pretty tough (but interesting) questions! I am going to tackle the first six in this post!

Heather asked, "What is your fondest memory of your pregnancy with Hannah?"
This is a difficult question for me to answer. There are so many moments I sat there in absolute awe and joy of this precious soul. If I had to pick, I would choose her last ultrasound. Bobby waved to her and she was just dancing all over the place. That is the only "interaction" I have ever seen take place between my children and it was so sweet.

Andrea asked, "If you had to describe your spiritual walk with God in terms of ICE CREAM, what "flavor" would it be and why?"
Rocky Road? Again another tough one! I would say Rocky Road, though, because I am a sinner. I have clung to Him and run from Him. Hannah has given me a wonderful gift in the relationship I now have with the Father and I am hoping that the flavor selection changes to something more magnificent! He has always remained faithful to me despite all of my faults and insecurities and I praise Him for this everyday.

Jennifer asked, "What is one bible verse that has stood out to you during the last nine months?"
I like this question, and there are actually 2 verses I would pick.
Job 13:15a---"Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him."
I felt God had slayed me. I felt He had cut me at the knees and allowed me to completely crumble, yet He is what I did and continue to hope in. Because of His promises and His son, I know I will see Hannah again for Eternity and that is where my hope will lie. The second verse is
2 Corinthians 1:3-7---(The God of All Comfort) 3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
I have tried to offer comfort to others in my own healing. I think this community is an excellent example of this passing of God's love and comfort to eachother.

Melissa asked, "How did you decide on Hannah's name?"
I just liked it! If Bobby had been a girl instead of a boy, he would have been Hannah Katherine! I just think it is so beautiful. Her middle name was my Grandma's name.

The Blue Sparrow (Jennifer) asked, "What differences in yourself and your husband to you see now after loosing Hannah that weren't there before? Anything different in your personalities or daily life?"
I could probably spend an hour answering this question. I think I am barely recognizable from the person I was before. My faith is the main thing that has changed and has grown so much. My complete dependancy upon God. I used to care so much that the house was spic and apan and everything had a place---not so important anymore. I am definately changed. My husband is more reserved with how he is feeling, though I know it hurts him very deeply. I think we are both much more appreciative of what we do have. My daily life has taken on new routines, definately. I light Hannah's candle every night. I host this Bible Study on Pregnancy and Infant Loss now. I blog. I craft for other mommies. The list could go on and on.

Kat asked, "What about: how has your son handled the past nine months?"
Bobby was only 18 months old when we lost Hannah so I don't think that he has really had to "handle" that much. He has seen me cry many, many times. He began to actually comfort me---to rub my back and say, "Don't cry, Mommy. It's okay." He knows his sister's name and that she is in Heaven. He blows kisses to her curio cabinet filled with all her things and to her picture on the mantle. I want to say I am thankful that he doesn't truly understand or understand the grief, but that one day when he is older I will tell him the whole story of his sister in Heaven.

Thank you guys for all the great questions! I hope I have answered them well! The next post will be 99 and I'll finish them up and then on post 100 I'll give something away!

9 Months, 99 Followers, 97 Posts and A GIVEAWAY!

2010-06-21T08:21:00.001-04:00

First. Nine Months. It seems like yesterday. It seems like a lifetime. I love you, Hannah. I miss you so very, very much. Your little butterfly lamp still burns. (Amazing. Same lightbulb I put in September 22. It still hasn't burned out. I have never turned it off). Every night your candle is still lit on the mantle. Always. You are very, very loved and very, very missed. My beautiful daughter, my blessing from Heaven.

I can't believe I have 99 followers. This is my 97th post. So, I am going to copy Melissa, who copied Maggie and have a little giveaway!

So here are the rules (courtesy of Melissa/Maggie). Simply leave a comment asking me any question you can think of to ask me. It can be about me, Hannah, before I had Hannah, Bobby, whatever it is, I'll answer. I'm giving you a chance to learn a little more about me and giving you an added bonus of winning a prize! I will pick a random person and announce the winner when I get to my 100th post (unless there are some really good questions---I might go over!). In the meantime, ask away and stay tuned for what you will win! Good luck!

Happy Father's Day.....

2010-06-19T15:53:00.000-04:00

I didn't think he'd be sitting alone this year. (Well, he has his lady bug).

A Plus Sign

2010-06-17T08:48:00.002-04:00

Sweet daughter,

One year ago today I fell to my knees in greatfulness, absolute joy and unending love. I still do that today. I am greatful for you. I am absolutely overjoyed you are my daughter. My love for you will never end. God gave me a true gift whe He gave me you.

Mommy loves you so very much.

A Trip to the ER

2010-06-16T14:50:00.003-04:00

Once again just asking for prayers. Last night was rough for us. Here's the story.

Full Circle

2010-06-16T05:42:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow, June 17, it will be one year since I welcomed your sweet little soul into my heart. That is the day I found out I was carrying you.

One year. For one year I have had the joy of knowing you, the sorrow of losing you came some weeks later. I remember taking the test. I remember kneeling on the bathroom floor and thanking God for you with every breath I had. I remember telling Bobby, just 15 months old, but so excited by his mother's joy and cried that he was going to be a big brother. I remember those tears of happiness that rolled down my cheeks.

How naive mommy was, Hannah. How naive to think that day meant I would be holding you 8 months later. How naive to just assume I'd keep you.

Not anymore.

My anxiety has been getting the best of me. The panic. The uneasiness. The inability to stay too long in one place but yet have that fear of moving.

I love you sweet Angel. I am blessed to have known you and to be your mom.

Father, please take this pain. Please take my worries, my anxiety, my fears. Please help me to remember that you are always in control and with you, I can deal with anything. Increase my faith, I pray, and help me to always glorify you through my life.

Please Pray

2010-06-15T13:03:00.002-04:00

Please pray for Jace. Heartbreaking.

8 Months

2010-05-21T15:51:00.001-04:00

8 Months. It seems like such a long time and such a short time, all at once.

Thank you, Hannah, for blessing my life with your beautiful soul. Thank you for the love you give. Thank you for being my daughter.

I miss you. I love you so very much. I know you are at peace. I know you are happy. I know you are taken care of and I know you are so very, very loved. You touch so many lives.

I woke up to a text message from Aunt Crystal in Texas. She and Uncle Raymond have donated to our local chapter of The Make a Wish Foundation. Some child in need will be blessed by you. And you know Grandma supports that little girl Emily in Mexico who has the very same birthday as you. She is in need and blessed because of you.

I am blessed because of you.

I love you little girl.

Frustrated

2010-05-18T15:26:00.001-04:00

I wish I could vent and say exactly how I am feeling, but for now I just can't. I can't.

My mom bought me this beautiful box that says, "Don't lose Hope...When it gets darkest the stars come out." I have it sitting next to my computer and I have decided the absolute perfect use for it. Usually when I read your blogs I'll say a breath prayer for whatever need you appear to have at that time. From now on I will put it on paper and put it in my box. I have said before and I'll say again, I believe so strongly in the power of prayer, so I just thought I'd share with you that know you are all going to end up in that box.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I'm tired. Everything I need to get done seems to be backed up by a few days and the "to-do" list keeps getting longer. (Hope my hubby doesn't run out of underwear from the piles of laundry building up). It's wedding season and I make invitations. I have 3 jobs going on right now. I had 3 Delivering Hope orders. (Thank you so much!) My house is a mess.....I have finally caught up on the Butterfly Mommies and gotten all the Bible Study info in order, though. But as I sit here and think of it all, I feel so blessed and so rich at the same time. What would I do and where would I be without this ministry?

I've been having nightmares. Well, I guess they aren't really nightmares because they really happened. My mind keeps taking me to the hardest parts of that day. The worst moments. Picturing my daughter and all that happened.......I wonder why. Why does my mind go there at night? Why do I wake up filled with that raw emotion? I wish I could just see her face and not the way she was treated. I wish I could just remember her heartbeat on the ultrasound instead of imagining it slowly stopping as I lay on that table. I wish so many things.

Sorry for venting, but thank you for listening. I have an emotional boulder sitting on top of me right now. I wish there was some easy way to release it and get rid of all this negativity. Please pray for me.

Routines and a Song

2010-05-12T16:49:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to a free concert in Ocean Grove with my mom, dad and little Bobby. It was Tenth Avenue North. Before I lost Hannah I had never even heard of them, but then I heard this song. It just spoke to me so deeply. When they sang it last night, my eyes filled with tears and I struggled to fight them back. I looked at my mom and told her how much it reminds me of Hannah, of that very dark place where I felt so alone and so full of questions. Sometimes I even find myself back there these days, when I look at her picture too long or realize that the butterfly lamp I lit that day is still burning. Who would think a bulb would last so long? I realize all these rituals I perform for her on a daily basis and I guess I just have to accept that that is her part of my routine. It doesn't include bottles and diapers, it includes lighting her candle and kissing her urn.

I love you, little girl.

Another Rainbow

2010-05-10T09:45:00.000-04:00

I have been wanting to share this news for a little while and now seems like the right time. I believe so greatly in the power of prayer and ask that you please lift us up as we travel this road again.

http://faithandarainbow.blogspot.com/2010/05/pregnant.html

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T13:05:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to wish each and every one of you a Happy Mother's Day. I remember thinking how this year it would no longer be just Bobby, but Hannah would be here, too. And yet while she is not here physically, I know she is in spirit. I know she is in my heart.

When Bobby and I got married in October of 2006, we bought the house he grew up in from his parents. We did a lot of renovations, including ripping the entire top off to replace it with 3 new bedrooms, a loft, a wonderful bathroom and even an upper deck! But anyway, we had a central air conditioning system placed both upstairs and downstairs in 2 zones. The men were here so much we became very friendly with them. They watched as I became pregnant with Bobby and each summer watched him grow a little more. Last summer, they watched as I became pregnant with Hannah and learned we were having a girl. Well, they had to come last week for a problem we were having with the upstairs unit. When Dan was leaving my husband Bobby came inside with tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong. He said Dan had said how big Bobby was getting and then said, "You have a daughter, too, don't you?" Yeah. We have a daughter, too. I think it caught him off guard as he had to explain what happened. I think sometimes I forget the pain that sits on his heart as well. I am the one always asked how I am doing. I am usually the one found explaining our loss of our beautiful girl. That was a reminder to me to try to not wrap myself in my grief alone, but to share that blanket with him. It brought me a great sadness, too. Every year for Father's Day since Bobby has been born, I take his picture with a sign to put in Bobby's card. What do I do for him this year?

2008

2009

May 2, 2010

2010-05-03T08:41:00.001-04:00

What an amazing day yesterday was. First, I hope everyone had a wonderful Babylost Mother's Day! I thought of all our babies looking down from the clouds, loving their mothers and wishing us joy! It was a beautiful day!

I also want to thank all of you who listened and participated in our first Radio Show! Kristie and I were amazed at the outpouring and Carly was awesome! It is amazing to be used as a part of God's plan! I am so looking forward to next Sunday and all the weeks to come to do it all again! We put together a blog for the show with the links and links to past shows so if you missed yesterday you might want to go check it out-----HERE. Thank you again, guys---I am so grateful for each and every one of you!

The Veil

2010-04-29T09:35:00.001-04:00

I haven't had that much to say. I am here.

I was looking at Bobby's baby picture this morning. What a beautiful baby he was, and now a handsome little man. Makes my heart twinge with hurt, with sadness, at the things I'll miss.

I visited the Children's Memorial Garden the other day. The flowers are starting to bloom and Bobby picked one for his sister. Makes my heart twinge with hurt, with sadness, at the things he will miss.

I think about all the walks Bobby and I have taken around this neighborhood, watching him sleep, not believing he was mine. I will never take a walk with Hannah around this neighborhood. She is not here, and sometimes it is hard to believe she ever was mine. Makes my heart twinge with hurt, with sadness, at the things she will miss.

It is not a raw pain that follows me around each day. It is a melancholy veil that sits atop my life. Sometimes the wind blows it high enough to see from underneath and sometimes it just drapes over your soul.

I love you, beautiful girl.

International Babylost Mother's Day (PLUS) a Radio Show!

2010-04-24T13:56:00.003-04:00

How exciting is this?! Carly Dudley, founder of International Babylost Mother's Day, is going to interview with us live for our first official Radio Show-----ON May 2, International Babylost Mother's Day! Awesome, right?

The show begins at 5pm Eastern on Sunday, May 2. We will be hosting 3 separate giveaways including a "Pampered Mom" Gift Basket, a Custom Shdow Box and a Surprise Store-Bought Item! It is a day to honor ALL moms and ALL children and we hope you will join us! You can listen, chat or even call in! To visit our BlogTalk Radio page CLICK HERE. Bookmark this link because this is how you will arrive at the show next Sunday!

For automatic updates on all of our upcoming shows and topics, friend Anchored By Hope on Facebook!

Thank You.....

2010-04-24T13:46:00.000-04:00

I just want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and prayers. My SIL has been moved from ICU, is off of dialysis, and her recovery is appearing nothing short of a miracle.

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them. Matthew 18:20

Prayers Needed

2010-04-22T11:55:00.000-04:00

Today started as any other day but is falling apart rapidly.

Last night my sister-in-law took a very large quantity of various prescriptions. She is in the hospital right now, unconscious, being assisted in her breathing, on dialysis because her kidneys are failing. My husband lost a sister suddenly a little over 3 years ago. The family doesn't need to go through this again. She really needs a lot of love, support and many, many prayers right now.

There are a few other matters that I really can't put out there, but could really use your prayers. God knows our needs and our hearts. He knows the outcomes and how He will carry us each through. Please just lift us up to Him. Please lift up my sister-in-law.

7 Months Without Her, An Award and Many Thank Yous.....

2010-04-21T13:50:00.000-04:00

This I am sure is going to be a long one.

Today marks 7 months since I lost my Hannah. I miss her and love her so very, very much. I also thank her and thank God for the many blessings she has brought into my life. Since today is her day I decided to deliver some boxes, blankets and hats to the hospital. It always feels good to do something in her name. I hope and pray that through these things her life will be a blessing to others as well.

I also wanted to post a couple of pictures of her tree. My mom bought the beautiful garden stone for her.

Next I want to thank Antoinette at Butterfly Kisses to my Angel Alyssa Marie for nominating me for this blog award! She is incredibly sweet and caring. I am also posting two beautiful pictures she sent me. Thank you so much, Antoinette!

Rules of the award.....

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

2. List who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog.

3. List 10 things that make you happy.

4. Pass the award on to other bloggers and visit their blog to let them know about the award.

Ok. 10 things that make me happy.

1. God

2. My family (ALL of them, especially my babies)

3. My dogs (most of the time!) Sophie the Schnauzer and Scooter aka Henry the Yorkie

4. Making other people happy

5. People remembering Hannah

6. Thursday nights with my girls :)

7. My Blog :)

8. Finishing a LONG list of projects!

9. Warm Delights (You know, that microwaveable dessert from Betty Crocker?)

10. Shopping (especially at Michaels, but that usually adds to NOT getting #8 done)

I could pass this award onto a VERY long list of people. There are so many women who inspire me on a daily basis--whether with their words or through their actions. I really would pass this on to ALL of you so if you want it, GRAB IT!

I also have a couple of long overdue Easter Thank Yous!

Thank you, Michelle!

Thank you, Lisette!

Hannah, you have blessed me so very much. You have given me more than I could imagine and have taught me so many things. One day I know we will be together again. I love you!

April 19, 2010

2010-04-19T17:32:00.001-04:00

Remembering sweet Julia Rose today and thinking of my dear friend, Andrea.

Seasons

2010-04-17T14:39:00.000-04:00

I keep having flashbacks.

Flashbacks to last spring, when I found out I was pregnant with Hannah. I remembering sitting out back with Bobby on a beautiful spring day talking to my Grandma and asking her to please pray for a brother or sister for him. I remember one month later reading the word "pregnant" on that test. I remember thanking God, falling to my knees with joy. Crying because I felt so blessed.

I remember dreaming for her, of her. I couldn't wait. I had my husband paint the bigger bedroom for Bobby. We bought him big boy furniture. I began working on his transition. Now the nursery sits behind a closed door collecting dust.

I had her for a summer. A little of spring, but the entire summer. What I wouldn't give to have some of those moments again. To tell her how much I love her. I remember dreaming of what this summer would be like with her here. I only know how it is going to be without her.

I keep having flashbacks.

September 21. The last day of summer, literally. September 21. The day my sweet daughter was born.

The autumn began my fall.

Today

2010-04-13T18:50:00.001-04:00

Today was one of those days.

I was peaceful to a certain extent, but that bitterness was all along my edges like an old piece of paper falling apart. Does that even make sense? Well, today was one of those days.

I locked that door to keep out the why me's and what if's. I guess they can still come knocking. At least I don't have to answer. At least we are separated by a piece of wood and a peephole. Problem is I can still hear them.

I wonder what she's doing right now. How I wish I could hold her. How I wish for just one moment where our eyes connect and I tell her how very much I love her. How I wish so many things that will never be.

Not here.

Today was just one of those days.

Radio Show TEST Run!

2010-04-10T08:31:00.001-04:00

Kristie and I are VERY excited to be testing out our new Radio Show on Sunday at 5pm Eastern. We would love for you all to come listen and interact wit us as we learn to use the switchboard and chatroom. It's EASY! You can participate in several ways. You can just listen. You can call in. You can chat with me and other moms in the chat room. You can either create a Blog Talk Radio username or even log in using your Facebook account. We could really use your support as we test this out. and share our stories with each other. To go to our show CLICK HERE. (Remember it's Sunday, April 11 at 5pm Eastern) Thank you guys for all of your support!

Anchored by Hope: Summer Session

2010-04-06T15:16:00.001-04:00

We are currently signing women up for the Summer Session of our Online Bible Study beginning May 13. If you or someone you know is interested please contact either Kristie (kristie@anchoredbyhope.com) or I (katy@anchoredbyhope.com) for more information, or you can check out our website at HERE. For those of you who have taken it or are currently taking it, please share with those you believe would benefit. Thanks!

In bloom

2010-04-05T20:37:00.001-04:00

Hannah's tree bloomed today. Perfect little pink flowers.

It made me happy.

It made me sad.

All I have to watch bloom. All I have to watch grow, is a tree.

I have been busy in my life and in my mind. It's kept me from swimming in my sorrow. Most days I just wade on the shore. I wonder if she is watching me beyond that horizon.

I know if I'd never been placed on this particular shore, I wouldn't have found some of the beautiful things I have. Still I can't help but wonder.

I guess I'll just have to watch the beautiful blooms of the weeping cherry and imagine her warmth is what makes it grow.

Happy Easter

2010-04-05T20:29:00.001-04:00

Sitting in church seeing all the little girls and babies dressed in their Easter dresses, bonnets and frills. I miss you a lot today. I miss what you could be. I miss what I feel you should be.

Thank you Jesus for giving your life for my sins. That is my hope. This gift He has given to see you again, though I am undeserving of His grace and His mercy.

I imagine God must have wept terribly for His son.

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T21:30:00.001-04:00

April Giveaway

2010-04-03T16:39:00.001-04:00

Only a few more hours until the Butterfly Mommies April Giveaway is closed! Be sure to link up & enter http://butterflymommies.blogspot.com/

2 Years Old

2010-03-29T17:01:00.003-04:00

I can't believe that Bobby will be 2 tomorrow. He is growing up so fast! We had his birthday party yesterday (Sesame Street) and I just thought I'd share a picture. He had such a good time and I just feel so blessed and thankful to have him as my son. Happy Birthday, Baby Boy!

Compassion and Healing.....

2010-03-25T08:31:00.002-04:00

Matthew 4:23-25

Jesus Heals the Sick

23Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. 24News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them. 25Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him.

Matthew 9:35-36

The Workers Are Few

35Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. 36When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.

I was sick. I had an infection. It caused me to deliver my daughter much, much too soon. I cried out to Jesus. I prayed for healing. I prayed for my daughter.

I begged for compassion.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless...

He had compassion on them.

Jesus healed many in his days on earth. He has healed many from Heaven, having compassion on them. I have wondered often why He did not have compassion for me, compassion for my daughter. I wonder what He knows that I do not. What makes this a right part of His plan? What makes this worth the sacrafice? What makes this worth my daughter's life? What makes this worth losing part of my heart?

I wonder.

Jesus could have healed me, too. He just chose not to.

I Get Along Without You Very Well

2010-03-24T11:15:00.000-04:00

I had this song in my head all day yesterday, and not because I heard it or anything. I sang it in chorus in the 7th grade. I think that was the last time I heard it. But it was in my head. It was making me think of Hannah.

I get along without you very well
Of course I do
Except when soft rains fall
And drip from leaves, then I recall
The thrill of being sheltered in your arms
Of course, I do
But I get along without you very well

I've forgotten you just like I should
Of course I have
Except to hear your name
Or someone's laugh that is the same
But I've forgotten you just like I should

What a guy, what a fool am I
To think my breaking heart could kid the moon
What's in store? Should I phone once more?
No, it's best that I stick to my tune

I get along without you very well
Of course I do
Except perhaps in spring
But I should never think of spring
For that would surely break my heart in two.

Not that the song necessarily applies, but as I went about my day I felt an emptiness. I thought of others with their children in their arms. I hurt for my family. I hurt for my daughter and thought of how I really do get along.

Not very well.

Dear Hannah.....

2010-03-22T09:39:00.000-04:00

If words are carried on the breeze,
I hear you.
If love rustles through the leaves,
I feel you.
If life exists within a human heart,
I know you,
I know,
we never are apart.

If hope became tangible
and caught my eye,
With faith not abandoned
I could fly.
I would see you running
your smile wide and bright.
I would tell you I love you
I would no longer fight
to have you as I would
to instead let you go
to send you to Heaven
while I stay below.
It's hardest, it hurts
when each day ends
yet each day gone
and the next begins
and this brings me closer
to the light in your smile
I love you
I miss you
I'll be there in a while.

Love, Mommy

Six Months

2010-03-21T11:07:00.002-04:00

Happy 6 Months in Heaven, sweet, beautiful girl. I love you. I miss you.

ALWAYS.

Sadness

2010-03-15T11:59:00.001-04:00

I don't know what it is about today, but I am sad. Not angry, bitter, envious, resentful.....sad. Maybe it's the three plus days of rain. Maybe it's just that my heart is swollen again with grief. I don't know. I just know I feel this melancholy blanket hanging over me. I feel the tears welling up. I see them blinding my sight and joining the rain.

I think right now I have just lost sight of that hope. It is patiently sitting on the other side of the giant obstacles I see before me. They are overwhelming and crushing.

I wonder what you are doing, sweet girl. I wonder who you are. I wonder why right at this moment I can't be cradling you in my arms. Bobby is sleeping. I see his chest rising and falling. I hear his breath. God what I would give to watch you sleeping. To see your chest rise and fall. To hear your breath. I love you. I love you so much.

I wonder sometimes why it has to be so hard. Please. Take this weight. Clear this path a little for me. I feel like I am drowning.

Believe

2010-03-13T09:50:00.001-05:00

I have copied my post from Pray Date today below because I just feel it has such an incredibly powerful message for each of us, especially those of us who often flail our arms about just trying to grasp the hope we know is there. I hope it will affect just one of you the way it has me.

Matthew 14:25-33

25 About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”

27 But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”

28 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

29 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

31 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

32 When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. 33 Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

I came across these passages the other day going through my "Read the Bible in a Year" program. Now, I have read this story before, quite a few times. I looked at it much differently this time and it has stuck with me. I really felt like I wanted to share this. I am sure it is no profound revelation I have found. In fact, it seems the obvious translation but just never spoke to me before as it does now.

When Peter BELIEVED he could walk on water, he DID. When he began to DOUBT Jesus (when he began to fear the storm), he SANK. Wow. What am I preventing the Lord from doing in my life by not believing He can do it?

Good Measure

2010-03-04T14:39:00.000-05:00

Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Luke 6:38

This verse was the "theme" verse in one of my daily devotionals yesterday. Powerful, isn't it? It really allowed me to think of the many things that have been given to me since losing Hannah, both physically and spiritually. Each person who finds themself just reading this very sentence has given me something and I am so humbled to be the recipient of these gifts. I hope in many ways I will be able to return these gifts to others and to offer a "good measure" to another soul.

Have you ever read the definition of altruism, especially when used as a coping mechanism?

"Altruism and other pro-social action may seem rather strange as a 'coping' behavior. According to the dictionary it is 'unselfish concern for the welfare of others'. Yet beneath the surface we all have our ills and seek to cope with them as best we can. If we have strong values about being unselfish and putting others first, altruism is a perfect mechanism for avoiding, and perhaps even curing our own problems.

Direct altruism may be found when a person seeks to help others with the same problem that the person has, thus seeking an indirect way of effecting a direct cure on oneself. Altruism may also be less direct and aimed at helping others in a range of circumstances. This may appear when the more direct approach would still be too painful."

I think so many of us in this community have used this coping behavior from time to time, or even recurrently, as a means of trying to heal our own souls.....by healing others. I know I have, and it has truly been a blessing in return. That is what makes this such a wonderful and compassionate community of women. I am humbled and appreciative to have found so many of you and the friendship and support each offers.

I guess my point in all of this is thank you. God always hears our prayers. He knows our hearts. He sends us others and sends us to others. He measures using the same measure with which you measure, so I KNOW His plan is wonderful and full of blessings for each of us. Count these blessings that have come from our babies.

Who better to softly bind up the wound of one, than he who has suffered the same wound himself? Thomas Jefferson

Feeling the LOVE!

2010-03-03T15:02:00.000-05:00

I have to say I feel truly blessed to have made some really wonderful friends along this journey and I just want to say thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

Remember my Labybug story? I received this in the mail from sweet Andrea at Julia, Our Christmas Angel. It is my story, decorated beautifully on sky blue paper with overlaying clouds and ladybugs. Thank you so much, Andrea. I LOVE it!

Another sweet friend Andrea over at Life, Love & Persuit of our Fairytale, after reading of my difficulties on Faith and a Rainbow, sent me a "pamper package"--- and boy do I need it! What a great surprise! Thank you so much, Andrea!

And can you believe I got the Beautiful Blogger Award again?! This time from Lauren over at Jonathan's Journey. Thank you so much, Lauren! I wanted to officially post a thank you but I think I'll wait a little bit to pass it on again as I just did that recently!

Sharing Positivity

2010-03-01T20:52:00.001-05:00

The question of "what positive things have come from the loss of your baby(ies)?" is what we are asking on the Butterfly Mommies Giveaway. It's a tough one. How do empty arms and broken hearts ever come to symbolize positivity?

My daughter has blessed me in so many ways. She has given me strengthened relationships, new friendships, compassion and love. She has pulled me towards the Heavens into the arms of Jesus. She has shown me the way to Eternal life, essentially. My relationship with the Lord no longer exists solely on the surface, but deep within my heart and soul.

Hannah is a wonderful blessing.

I have been looking back a lot lately at events in my life. I've been trying to look for God in so many of them---and have suprisingly found Him. But that is no surprise at all. I was thinking about my first miscarriage. Was it God asking me to just trust His timing? I had suffered from infertility for years and was planning on going the RE route again. Was he telling me to wait? I did. Then I had Bobby. After Bobby came Hannah. The list of blessings received from her can fill an entire notebook, I am sure. But what about my rainbow, I thought. Why did I have to lose that baby too? Perhaps He is telling me not yet. It is possible. I hear you. But not yet. Not like this.

And those beautiful souls ascended to Heaven to never suffer, never cry, never hurt or feel pain. That in itself is a positive, though it causes us so much pain.

New Directions & Giveaways

2010-02-28T14:01:00.000-05:00

As many of you may know, Kristie and I have begun the wonderful venture together of Anchored by Hope. This is an Online Bible Study and Christian support ministry for those suffering from pregnancy and infant loss. We have also started a networking blog to connect us mommies with babies in Heaven called Butterfly Mommies. Well, we need some support!

The Anchored by Hope blog is currently hosting a giveaway as is the Butterfly Mommies blog. Please go check them out and if you feel so inclined, please follow them! Thank you so much for all of your support as we begin down this new path!

To learn more about the Anchored by Hope ministry you can visit our website at http://www.anchoredbyhope.com/.

(Sigh)

2010-02-22T08:54:00.002-05:00

I am having a hard time. I imagine all that I am missing in that alter world that never played out. The one that took an abrupt turn in the opposite direction on September 21, 2009. The one that left me so empty. Sad. Desparate. Alone.

Looking to God for guidance has been the only thing getting me through. His grace has been the only thing getting me through. His mercy has been the only thing getting me through. You know, where He stops that boulder from completely rolling over you. You just sit staring at it everyday instead. Wondering when it will resume its motion and completely crush you.

Sigh.

I am so confused. I am lost right now.

oh and this too.....(click here)

Beautiful Blogger Award!

2010-02-21T13:11:00.001-05:00

I've been nominated for the the Beautiful Blogger Award! Thank you Mattie at Creative Joy for nominating me! I would nominate you right back as I love reading your beautiful posts!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

:: Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

:: Copy the award and place it in your blog.

:: Link the person who nominated you for this award.

:: Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

:: Nominate 7 bloggers.

:: Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

So 7 ~~really exciting~~, ~~super interesting~~, ~~fascinating~~, things about me.

1. When I was a child, I wanted to be an English teacher and a writer. As a "grown-up", I am a graphic artist and Hannah has re-ignited my love for writing. (Thanks baby girl!)

2. I have 2 butterfly tattoos. They are both cover-ups of tattoos I let me older brother give me with a homemade tattoo gun at the age of 14. (Sorry mom!)

3. I LOVE to decorate!

4. I am addicted to Reality TV, but mostly The Bachelor, Survivor and Big Brother.

5. My husband used to be my boss (at work) and now I am his (at home).

6. My favorite color is green.

7. I adore my children. (Love you Baba and Hanni! xxxooo)

Now for my nominations! Drumroll, please........

1. Andrea at Julia, Our Christmas Angel

2. Andrea at Life, Love and Persuit of Our Fairytale

3. Nan at The Reiber's: Remembering Our Triplet Angels

4. Maria at The Spirit of Sterling

5. Karen at Gott Joy!

6. Lori at Lori Does Maryland

7. Jill at Footprints on Our Hearts

I have to say I had a difficult time picking just these 7 because I am inspired in a different way by each and every one of the blogs I read! Thanks again, Mattie! It means so much to me!

5 Months

2010-02-21T09:05:00.001-05:00

Happy 5 Months in Heaven, sweet Hannah. You are the most beautiful little girl I know. God surely gave you a heart of gold as I watch the lives you are touching. I am so proud of you. I am so thankful to be your mom. I love you and miss you so very, very much.

Love,
Mommy

The Day You Were Due.....

2010-02-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

I waited until the end of this long day to post a sort-of photo collage of the things we did today, my husband, little Bobby and I. Most of all I just missed her. I missed Hannah so much and felt that empty ache without her. I felt that absolute no as to having her in my arms. It is real. It is not a dream. It will never change as long as there is breath in me.....we will be apart. So I spent today with the family I do have here on earth and remembered and loved and missed that sweet little girl I have in Heaven.

My friend Renata gave me a gift on Saturday. She is away on vacation, but I told her I was going to wait until today to open it. It made my heart feel good and my eyes well up with tears to read my daughter's name and to read what she had written to me. It feels so good when someone else remembers the one that never leaves your mind. Thank you, Renata. It is a beautiful bracelet with pink stone hearts and Hannah's name on the silver heart near the clasp.

Then a knock at the door.......

All white flowers surrounding a single, beautiful pink rose. Thank you, Mom. I don't know what I would do without you and the love you show for my daughter. The wonderful ways you remember her and remind me that you do. I love you. She also wrote me a beautiful poem in an email about Hannah. Now I have never read or heard of my mother writing poetry. It was beautiful, about a beautiful rose in Heaven in a field of wildflowers. (Maybe if she lets me I'll share it.)

Oh, and Bobby picked a flower out of the bunch to bring to his little sister's stone.....

We then went down to visit Hannah's stone in the Children's Memorial Garden. This would be my husband's first time there and I was excited for him to see it. As I was about to turn onto the entrance road the thought occurred to me that maybe they hadn't shoveled the path. What if it was covered in snow? And it was. I marked the spot where I thought her stone might be and my husband started removing the snow. It was the exact spot where her stone was. How amazing. We left her flower there for her and told her how much we love and miss her.

The rest of the day we spent together. We went to McDonald's for lunch and then to the Aquarium in Camden. It was really nice. Bobby got a penguin stuffed animal in the gift shop and we bought Hannah a keychain with her name on it. After that we went to Olive Garden for dinner and then to the mall where we bought a special new candleholder and angel for Hannah. The angel is called "Loving Angel" and the candleholder is called "Love Notes; the Spirit of Love." She is love and she is loved.

You can't see the angel or candleholder too well in this picture but I just wanted to show the beautiful candles that sit atop my mantle burning for her tonight. The one on the left I have burned every night since the day i lost her.

I searched the sky all day. I hoped and prayed for some comfort, to just see some sign of her love and happiness. I have faith so I already KNOW these things, but I am human and today much weaker than usual. I saw this heart in the clouds today.

I know it was from her.

I would also like to thank a few other very special people for making this day and this week...and this journey, for that matter, a little easier.

Tina at Living without Sophia and Ellie made me this beautiful necklace. I'll quote her note so you see the thought and love she put into it, "It is a bit of a collage...I included a disc with Hannah's name and birthstone, an enamel ladybug, a pendant for Bobby, a heart with "HOPE" for the work you do with Anchored by Hope and Delivering Hope, and a pair of angel wings for the babies you miscarried." I cried when I saw it. Thank you, Tina, so much.

I also received a package from my aunt in Texas. It contained some yarn donated from another mom missing her baby, some Valentines and presents for Bobby, a card for Hannah and I...and just I, a prayer journal (love it) and an angel, specifically an angel entitled "Spirit of Giving; Generosity is your shining gift." I LOVE that she thinks of Hannah this way and hope other people do, too. Thank you, Crystal. It means so much to me.

And last but CERTAINLY not least, thank you, Nan from The Reiber's-Remembering our Triplet Angels, for remembering Hannah today.

February 18, 2010: Due

2010-02-17T16:15:00.000-05:00

A letter I wrote to Hannah as my part of the memorial we did on Monday to end our Bible Study. Thank you, Kristie.

Uncomfortable

2010-02-15T14:04:00.001-05:00

Wouldn't it be nice if people could overcome their own uncomfortableness and just tell you they love you? They are thinking of you. The know, but at the same time can't possibly understand, how hard this is for you. I'm sure they hear your heart breaking. I'm sure they hear as it slowly cracks into pieces. I'm sure they see it in your eyes; hear it in your voice. But they don't.

Most of the time I believe people want you to feel better just so they don't have to be uncomfortable anymore. It's almost selfish of them.

She is always going to be my daughter. I am always going to want her. I am always going to love her and miss her. That is not going to change.

I have changed.

International Babylost Mother's Day

2010-02-15T09:10:00.001-05:00

This is the beautiful video Carly over at IBMD made. So, so beautiful.

One week

2010-02-11T12:49:00.001-05:00

I'm one week away from the day my baby girl was due. It seems so long ago when I was welcoming this day, anticipating this day, instead of dreading it. My heart gets heavier each day as it approaches. I know it's okay. I know I'll be okay. I would just like to be past it already.

Hannah left over 4 months ago. She hasn't been here. She left that body and went home. She left me. She left a hole. A giant, gaping hole in my heart; in my family. Most of the time I run around the edge of it. Scared I'll fall in, I keep on moving, running, filling every free moment until there is almost no time left to even think. But I still do.

I wonder who she would have looked more like as she grew. I wonder what her personality would be like. I wonder if she'd be a "Daddy's Girl". I already know she is special. That is one thing I will never have to wonder. And I know I will see her again and then I won't have to wonder anymore. Someday. Someday after I live this life without her.

She is still my little girl. How I wish I could hold her. How I wish.....

And the Winner is.....[Plus Some Overdue Thank You's!]

2010-02-10T08:54:00.001-05:00

Lea over at Nicholas' Touch! My son picked a number out of a bowl and that is how we officially decided! What a wonderful coincidence that ladybugs are her reminder, too! I'll be working on this special surprise right away! Secretly I am hoping that it will arrive on February 18 (Hannah's Due Date) but I'm no postal worker.....

I would also like to thank a few special women that have touched me with their kindness.

Bree over at My Baby Butterfly Ella made these beautiful butterflies for Hannah and my sweet Rainbow baby. Thank you so much, Bree!

Lisa over at Jasper Forever Our First-born and also Waterfall Angels, took these beautiful pictures of Hannah's name on a rock in front of the beautiful waterfalls. Thank you so much, Lisa!

And Megan over at Graceful Willows sent me this wonderful surprise of Hannah's name in the snow! Thank you so much, Megan! What a sweet bunch of women!

Post #50! Leave a Comment- I'm Giving Something Away!

2010-02-09T09:15:00.002-05:00

Wow. Post #50. I've decided to give something away. It seems appropriate, too, with my due date being next week. So leave me a comment! Let me know what animal, insect, shape.....whatever, reminds you most of your sweet baby. Ladybugs remind me of Hannah. I'll share a story I wrote with you.....

Once there was a little ladybug. A beautiful little ladybug who lived in the silver lining of the clouds in Heaven. The little ladybug living above watched all of the people here below and wondered what it would be like to live amongst them on the Earth.

She asked our dear Father in Heaven to allow her to fly down for a closer look. But more than a closer look, He gave her a monumental task below. He breathed His loving breath on her and down she flew. She flew into a womb that began to swell with love and expectation immediately. And she grew.

She grew and she grew. Hearing sweet words spoken to her daily. Lullabies sung. Sweet caresses felt. A mother's joy. A father's pride. Big brother's laughter. She thrived as she danced and swam in the temporary home the Lord had given her.

The Lord had other plans, though. He had plans much different than those of the little ladybug; than those of her mommy.

A sickness crept into her once joyous womb. A sickness. She heard crying. She heard wailing. She felt the desperation of her mother's love. She was pushed into a world she was not yet ready for.

Peacefully she flew again to her home in the clouds. Different now, whole now and perfect. No longer a little ladybug.

She watched her mommy. Mourning, weeping, living each day in quiet desperation. She watched her in her anger and her grief. She watched her as she struggled. She watched her as she cried.

She asked God why He had let her go. Why did He take her away so soon?

Mommy asked all the same questions.

In her most desperate moments, the Lord allowed the little ladybug to visit her mommy. She took a ride on a balloon sent to Heaven. She landed on Mommy's shoulder and blew her a kiss with her graceful wings as she ascended once more.

She still watches her mommy today.

She watches Mommy honor her and love her. She watches Mommy miss her and remember her each day. On the very hard days, she blows Mommy down a kiss. A sweet reminder of her everlasting presence.

She is not gone.

And she begins to see.

I am starting to understand, together they say. I am starting to understand, Dear Lord, why you have taken us away from each other.

You have brought us closer to You.

Everyday I watch Mommy pray. I watch Mommy work. I watch Mommy try to touch the lives of other people.

The little ladybug realizes the many gifts she has given to her mommy. She knows the work of the Lord is perfect. She sees as He sees now and fully understands.

She can't wait to see Mommy in heaven and tell her all these secrets. To whisper these mysteries into her empty spaces. To fill her up with reunion and love.

To never fly away again.

I'll post the winner tomorrow morning!

The Blessing Ring.....What do you think?

2010-02-06T10:39:00.000-05:00

What do you think? It is called a Blessing Ring! On the back of the initial plate I put a tag that reads,

The Blessing Ring

Our Heavenly Father has given us many blessings.

Blessings are not only kind words of

encouragement but ACTS of encouragement,

love and praise. The Blessing Ring

holds these things. Whether you are

blessed with a thoughtful card,

have a picture of a touching moment,

are reminded of a Bible verse,

or given a token of love.....

Punch a hole in it and string it on your Blessing Ring.

I have given you this because

you are a blessing to me.

Naptime

2010-02-05T14:39:00.002-05:00

I have been busy. I like being busy. Busy is good.

I was thinking the other day as I was printing and cutting and folding and stapling. I was thinking of when I was pregnant with Hannah and all of the activities that had then filled my days. Bobby and I would do the usual morning routine, errands, snacktime, lunch and down for a nap. Once a week Gymboree. The afternoon was spent playing together and cooking dinner. Sometimes doing laundry or sweeping or dusting. His naptime had become my naptime. Life was monotonous. Life was good. I love routines and habits and plans.

Then I began to think about life now. How little has changed. How much has changed. Besides the internal changes in me, my outlook, my faith, my love and compassion, our morning and afternoon routines are exactly the same.

It's naptime that's different.

I spend those two and a half hours everyday with my daughter.

I make things for her memory boxes. I work on the Anchored by Hope website. I frantically e-mail Kristie lists and questions. I receive frantic e-mails in return. I craft and create. I meditate. I worship. I love.

I am full.

She has filled me up with such wonderful blessings. She has given me a purpose. She has essentially "woken me up" from naptime.

(I know you all have been praying for me as well. I have felt it. I posted about our Doctor visit for those who would like to read it.)

And speaking of naptime, look at the beautiful pillow and blanket Kristie made for Hannah.....

She also made me 10 beautiful blankets to include with Hannah's Delivering Hope Memory Boxes. I posted them on my Delivering Hope blog! I really can't thank her enough!

Hope

2010-01-31T12:41:00.001-05:00

Verse 3 from, O Love That Will Not Let Me Go.....

                 O Joy that seekest me through pain,
                 I cannot close my heart to thee;
                 I trace the rainbow through the rain,
                 And feel the promise is not vain,
                 That morn shall tearless be.

That is hope in its most genuine form. To find that joy through your pain, even IN your pain. To not shut it out. To not push it away. To see the rainbow behind the clouds. I imagine looking at the sky, physically tracing those beautiful colors of hope with my finger.....it almost becomes tangible. To feel God's promise washing over you, knowing none of your suffering has been in vain. Knowing it all has a purpose. Knowing in the morning, someday, your tears will dry.

On another note, my family could use some prayers in another area of our journey.....
http://faithandarainbow.blogspot.com/2010/01/direction.html

Thank you, everyone --- for all of your wonderful comments and emails and love.

Up and down and Up and down.....

2010-01-28T19:08:00.001-05:00

I am teetering.

At a constant battle on the see-saw of grief.

I'm trying so hard. I'm praying for peace. Thoughts encroaching...receeding. Pushing them back as they hang on the outskirts. Of course I still sense them. They creep in and before the thought can fully form I push it out. Nope. Don't want to feel that right now.

I'm feeling encouraged though, too.

Up and down.

Up and down.

I really wish I could just get off.

Comfort for God's People

2010-01-27T12:16:00.001-05:00

I read the most amazing thing yesterday. It was an interpretation of Isaiah 40, essentially, verse 1, Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.

Comfort for God's People. We are all God's people.

How does one otherwise begin such a ministry of sorrow had they not first experienced it themselves? Trained to learn that heartache to ease that very same heartache in someone else. Maybe God teaches some of us this path to lessen the ache on another who's path is the same.

I have found great comfort myself in reaching out to others and trying to help them through the very same thing I am going through.

Maybe Hannah's sweet spirit is a spirit of comfort itself.

Missing You

2010-01-25T11:36:00.001-05:00

entering your place
a whisper
distant visions and stares
erasing your
face
your memory
why would they
would they care
as I
you are mine
forever
though you flew
you are mine
I spend my days
digging
through my mental
graveyard
you are still here
I just can't
hold you

Not sleeping.

2010-01-24T00:59:00.001-05:00

Not sleeping. I am not sleeping. I wish I could. I wish I could lay down and close my eyes and not think of everything that isn't.

I had a thought. Twigs turn into branches. Dear God I pray I grow from this loss. I want to become more than what I am. I want to do more for people than what I do. Yet somehow everything I do never seems to be enough. Nothing seems good enough. Nothing fixes this hurt or takes it away.

I'm struggling.

Everything has been making me cry. Everything has been hurting me. Everything has been reminding me of her.

I'm hurting.

I wonder why sometimes I feel as if I'm lifted up and forced backwards. Back to the hole. Back to the despair. And I look up. And I know He is with me.

But Dear God it still hurts.

I still miss her. I still want her. I still can't believe I have to live this life without her. This is not a nightmare. This is my life. I am not going to wake up.

I am not sleeping.

I can't sleep.

Moving On

2010-01-22T20:24:00.001-05:00

Today I realized something. The world has moved on. Everyone I know, in their own ways, has moved on. Some are affected, and maybe even changed, by my daughter's life. Some seem to forget that dark day that left me barren. Seem to forget that I do have a daughter. Forget I am not just a mother of 1.

I don't think I have moved on at all. I have just moved forward. Time has been ushering me forward as I drag my feet in objection. I guess the farther away from that day I get, though, the closer I get too. Closer to holding Hannah again; this time never having to let her go. What a wonderful day that will be-- running to my beautiful daughter awaiting me in Heaven. That thought gives me such peace.

And I know she has changed me. I am not the same person I was before I lost her, though sometimes I really wish I could be. But I know I am a better person now, because of her. I know I will survive this, by the grace of God. I know someday it won't hurt as bad.

I know that short time God blessed me with her is going to mean a lifetime to someone else. Her sweet soul is all around me, teaching me to love. Teaching me to comfort. Teaching me to reach into places I never would have otherwise. She will bless so many people, as she has blessed me.

So those that move on I pray would take a little piece of her with them, too. She could teach us all something.

I love you, Hanni. I miss you so much.

4 Months

2010-01-20T20:28:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow will be four months. Four months of life without Hannah. Four months of grief, heartache, tears, sadness, pain. An indescribable pain. And here I am, still in the center of it all. The only difference now is that it is not as dark in here, four months later. I have found the light.

I said to my mom and dad the other day this very thing that struck me later.

I am GLAD God chose me to be Hannah's mom. I am GLAD she is my daughter. I love my daughter very much and wouldn't trade that for anything.

He has given me peace in that. He has given me comfort. But He still hasn't taken this pain away.

I wonder when and if He ever will. I am so tired and weary of living a life where my heart is in two pieces.

Expiration Dates

2010-01-16T12:32:00.001-05:00

Why is it that almost every perishable item I grab now at the grocery store has an expiration date of February 18? At first I refused to buy anything with that date but inevitably had no choice. Some things only have that date. My date. Hannah's date, which is quickly coming and I am sure will move me into a new phase of my grief. I can stop imagining how my body would be and begin to wonder how my life would be. Wonderful.

I started a prayer journal a few days ago. I am finding it very helpful in dealing with my emotions and pouring them out before God. As I feel the weight on my heart travel instead onto that paper, I know He is working on me. I know He is with me, holding me up, guiding my steps.

I am hopeful for many things. I am thankful for many things. I surrender my soul to the fact that I had and have no control over anything. I turn over this weariness that hangs on me as I approach the end of what would have been this pregnancy.

Climbing Back Out.....

2010-01-13T09:17:00.001-05:00

I think I am getting out of this hole. I have been allowing too many external things to get to me and get me down.

Yesterday was a hard day. My friend told me she is 11 weeks pregnant. August 3. My rainbow baby was due August 7. I felt jealous, then guilty for feeling that way. She is a good person. I am happy for her. I started to analyze how I was feeling and why, after I stopped bawling, of course, and I came to understand something.....

Every pregnant woman I see, everyone woman holding her newborn child, they have and had the same dreams as I. They are looking for that same thing as I. How could I ever be angry or bitter because they got it and I didn't? It has nothing to do with them. I am coveting what they have. And that is a sin.

I am happy for her. I am hopeful for me. I feel much better.

And at the same time I found this out yesterday, I saw a girl I have not seen in a while. Hmmmm.....just like last week I got the "Oh you had the baby! How is she? Did you bring her?"

After I managed to swallow the lump in my throat and fight back my tears, I tell my sad story. Turns out she, too, lost a baby in her second trimester. Funny. I never knew that about her.

It is amazing how God brings you the right people at the right time. My friend I met in our bereavement group called later that afternoon. I NEEDED that talk with her. I NEEDED someone who understood and to just have that friendship and conversation at that exact moment. (Thank You!)

That's it for now. Missing my angel, but keeping my faith and trust in God.

Pray Date.....

2010-01-12T14:51:00.001-05:00

I grabbed this blog a few months back just because I thought of a cute name. I wasn't quite sure of how it would work or what it would be. I think I've got it!

I don't know about you but I have definately noticed the less I reflect on the Word of God, the more intense my grief becomes. My idea? Simple. Let's share some scripture and share some hope.

The blog is called "Pray Date: Where Angels' Mommies Meet".

Here's how it works.....

Everyday I will post a verse on the blog. Comment on it. What does it mean to you? How does it make you feel? Have you heard it before? Did it help you on your grief journey?

You can participate or not participate on any given day. Somedays I will comment. Somedays I won't. Don't ever feel obligated because you have before or because you are a follower.

We share because it comes from our hearts. We share because it may give us new perspective on God's Word and spread some Hope.

Have a verse you just love and would love to share? E-Mail Me! praydate@yahoo.com

I'm going to put a verse up now but leave it up through tomorrow as it is late in the day. Hope you like it and want to participate! Click HERE to go there now.....

Hmmm.....Untitled

2010-01-11T13:34:00.001-05:00

I remember clearly some of my early emotions of anguish and despair. Grief is so strange in itself in that it is one word which encompasses so many emotions, adjectives, nouns.....How could you possibly ever define it? Fear, sadness, pain, confusion, longing, despair, depression --- where does this word, this thing, ever end? Still as I write this I realize the complexity of all of the random thoughts racing through my mind, competing with each other, and their strange connection --- my grief.

I am mostly aware of the spiritual growth that has taken place inside of me. I remember three months ago, quite vividly, asking the question --- how do you know you have given it to God? How do you know? I asked in desperation. Now, today, I realize you just do. And I realize I haven't yet emptied my plate yet either. Nope. I won't be leaving this table anytime soon. I am still holding onto too many things.

I am essentially chasing rainbows.

These things, these questions, they are intangible. They have no answers for my human mind. I will never catch them. I will never hold them in my hands and say, "Ok. I get it now". These dreams were my dreams. But like that rainbow in the sky, they are gone. They simply cannot be. So instead of chasing them, I just need to stop and appreciate them. Appreciate the beauty each holds. These are, after all, the promises of God. God cannot work if I am running.

He cannot work if I am constantly moving. If my mind is constantly moving.

He says "Be still and know that I am God..." -Psalms 46:10

Be still. Quiet down. Sit.

I am sending out a dove in hopes it will return now with the peace belonging to the olive branch. I am waiting patiently for her in hopes one day she will return no more. For this pain to return no more in its current form but to change into the promise of the rainbow after the greatest storm on earth. After my greatest storm.

I am not done growing.

Last week in church we had the Wesleyan Covenant Service, essentially a service which renews your covenant with God at the beginning of the New Year. There was a place in the service for Testimonies of Grace. When our pastor asked if anyone could testify of God's grace the church fell silent --- and not the kind of silence that comes from honor, but one born from fear.

Finally a hand raises. A woman stands and speaks of the birth of her first grandchild. Wonderful, but truly is this not a blessing rather than grace?

Aren't our children, though not here, blessings too? Isn't it we who are the testimonies of his grace?

"Anyone else?" she asks.

Yes. I am! I am a perfect testimony of the grace of God working in and through the life of one of His children. Without Him I would not still be standing. Without Him I might not have breath left for the day. Or the strength to get up each day with the rising of the sun. Or the will to even live. The will to even live without my daughter.

So what about the birth and death of my daughter? What about her and the grace He has given me to live through this loss?

But I am a coward.

I am a coward and sat in the silence with the rest of the congregation instead of giving Him the glory and praise He deserves. I feel ashamed and unworthy of the grace He gives me and I truly am. I truly am unworthy of the mercy he showers upon me each day as He renews my soul.

Let us hold firmly to the hope we claim to have. The One who promised is faithful. -Hebrews 10:23

I have been doing a lot of crying. I have felt so much like a lost sheep searching. I realize He is the way. The only way. I know this. I know I cannot understand. I know He cries with me and has not left my side. That is my comfort. He is my comfort.

Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. -Proverbs 3:6 (NLT)

That is my answer. Seek His will. Quiet myself. Allow Him to lead me. Allow these tears, this pain, this angst and longing for Hannah.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. -Lamentations 3:32 (NIV)

Now I just need to breathe for a second. For those following I am sure you can feel, sense and see the chaos my mind has been --- full of so many things and thoughts but ultimately leading back to faith and trust in God.

One more thing. A quote from my Bible Study book I would like to share. It had such a profound impact on me and I'm finally getting around to putting it up.....

"I offered her up to Him and He took her. The ram never appeared..." and then a revelation, "...or maybe He did, 2000 years ago. He took her place and mine, too. He was someone's only child. He was a first-born son. I'm sure His mother cried". -Gwen Kik

This quote refers to the test of Abraham and the sacraficing of his only son, Isaac. And as Abraham was about to kill him, an Angel of the Lord appeared and stopped him. And a ram appeared with its horns caught in the thicket. God had provided the sacrafice for his faithfulness. God has provided our sacrafice, too, His son, who died for our sins.

Empty Room, Cookie Cutters & Stones.....

2010-01-08T13:26:00.000-05:00

I had a very weepy day yesterday. I felt that hole in my heart so terribly and just longed for my sweet girl. Part of it I think was the empty nesting I was doing. See, when I got pregnant with Bobby my nesting instinct was almost immediate. I am a person of very little patience and get excited very easily. (Ask my husband - he didn't want me buying Bobby's Christmas presents too early in fear I would give them all to him before Christmas!) So naturally I was the same way when I got pregnant with Hannah. By the time I was 3 months pregnant we had Bobby's big boy room complete to allow for 6 months transition time. Well, yesterday I finally cleared all of his stuff out of the nursery and officially moved him in. Now that room looks so empty. I couldn't help thinking that this is exactly what I would have been doing, only I would have Hannah's things to fill that room back up with. I closed the door. Now I wonder if a baby will ever fill it up again.

Something to make you smile, though.....

I'm so proud of him! He is growing up so fast. Actually so many of the things he says and does these days absolutely amazes me. I have told him his little sister Hannah is an angel. So the other day he took the Christmas cookie cutters out of the drawer in the kitchen and started naming them.....heart for the heart, circle for the circle.....Hanni for the angel. It made me smile when he said that. I feel truly blessed because of him.

I have so much to share today; it has been a busy week for me. Wednesday I went to The Children's Memorial Garden to see the stone my mom bought for Hannah. It was finally installed!

I love it. The garden is going to be beautiful in the spring and it will be nice to have a place to go to feel her presence. It really is a peaceful place right on a lake. My childhood best friend has a stone here as well. I met her when I was 2 years old. She lived behind me. She was an only child and I have no sisters. We spent our whole childhoods together. She died of a brain anuerysm 2 days after her 22nd birthday.

That's what I have been up to. A lot of crying these past few days. A lot of missing and a lot of pain. I am thankful for the sufficient grace God offers me each day to continue down this path.

Contentment

2010-01-05T20:39:00.001-05:00

I have been working on this post in my head for a while now. Sometimes I know exactly where I am at on this journey. Somedays I feel the fog, heavy and thick, surrounding me, suffocating me, confusing me. I guess that's just what this is. Like the weather, my grief journey changes every day. It goes through cycles. Somedays it is cloudy. Sometimes it rains for days straight. Sometimes it doesn't rain for a while. Sometimes you feel the warmth of the sun.

In bible study last night one of the questions dealt with anxiety. How do you deal with it or something to that extent. I used to have terrible panic attacks. They were so bad my hands would clench into horrific contortions and remain that way until I calmed down. I would try to work through it but they just kept coming back. From anticipation. From anticipatory fear. I had to stop waiting for that something I was so afraid of to show up and take over. My fear now? I will never be able to carry another child to term. I miscarried in November 2006, had a big, beautiful baby boy in March 2008, lost Hannah Katherine in my second trimester in September 2009, miscarried in December 2009. Not very encouraging when you look back on it. But I still need to get to my point.....

When I lost Hannah in September I was absolutely devastated and despaired. And I wanted her back so badly. I wanted to be pregnant again. I knew it couldn't be with her. I knew I couldn't replace her. But this baby could help me heal. This baby could offer me hope. This baby could be that rainbow in the midst of the storm. I got pregnant again. I lost again. Now what? Where has my hope gone? This longing for this child, a child, to be with me, to be with Bobby.....

As long as I fill myself with this longing, I do not heal. I do not heal. That pregnancy. It was just filled with that anticipatory fear. Haunted again. That hole in my heart reopening. Anxiety and fear. Longing for that hope.....

I am peaceful right now. I am peaceful because I have stopped longing and resolved myself to God's will. I have resolved myself to be content with what I have. I have a lot. And I will always have my sweet baby. Just not with me. Not on this side of Heaven.

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Thank You Hannah.....Introducing Austin.....

2010-01-03T12:10:00.000-05:00

1 Peter 1:6-8 (New Living Translation)

6 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy.

I thought I would share this incredibly powerful message from Peter. It really makes me think back on the many trials I have faced and how each in their own way has changed me. Then I think of the precious life of my sweet Hannah and how this trial, this test, this hardship has TRANSFORMED me. I am not just changed. I am unrecognizable. In a good way. In a wonderfully magnificent and glorious way. Thank you, Baby Girl. Thank you.

I also want to introduce to you my new friend Meredith. She has created a blog in remembrance of her sweet Angel, Austin Thomas, who left this earth on June 17, 2009. Please visit her at Forever Changed to read Austin's story, follow her journey and send her some love and hope.

I pray the New Year is off to a good start for each of you.

Happy New Year.....

2009-12-31T13:42:00.000-05:00

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

This scripture brings me comfort and hope as we head into the New Year. I bring with me all these wonderful gifts my sweet Hannah has given me and look forward to what the Lord has in store for me in 2010. I pray also for the paths of all my new dear friends who share in this terrible heartache. Thank you all for your love and support, for sharing God's Word and Hope, for honoring my precious daughter and remembering her with me.

Happy New Year!

Nope. Still Raining.

2009-12-29T10:37:00.001-05:00

You might as well rip my heart right out of my chest, God.

I thought I found a rainbow. Turns out it is just more rain.

I found out I was pregnant again on December 1. What a blessing. Truly, I was being blessed. Everything seemed wonderful until December 18. At my ultrasound the baby was measuring 10 days behind. I would have to wait until Christmas Eve morning to see if the baby had grown, or had stopped growing.

It was a difficult 6 days but I trusted it to God. I hoped for the best but prepared for the worst. And then, a Christmas miracle. The baby had grown right on schedule! Oh praise God for the wonderous things He does.....

Only to take this child away, too. I started bleeding on Sunday and miscarried Monday morning.

Now I am really struggling. Why? I was just beginning to truly feel and see the beauty and purpose in the loss of Hannah. I was grasping at that hope. I was pulling myself back up.

I'm slipping right back down this hole.

No rainbow. Just rain.