Emotions

It's been awhile.

Ellie is here now. In fact as we speak I am sitting in the car on the way to have an x-ray and ultrasound on her. Precautionary, really, but I just feel so bad.

I remember when Bobby was little. Rocking him to sleep. Holding him all day long. Awed and amazed. I couldn't believe he was mine. Now so many times in the early hours of morning when sleep still has somewhat of a hold on me, I look at Ellie's sleeping face against my chest and I just don't think it is possible to love them anymore than I do. It's overwhelming, really, how I love them.

All of them.

Ahh, then come the nightmares and sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guilt that I have for so long tried to shake claws at my feelings and my conscience. If my body hadn't forced her out, she'd be here. Picturing her tiny body. Every perfect part. Complete, yet lifeless. I let her down. She depended on me and I let her down.

I miss you, Hannah. I'm sorry. So sorry. And I love you so much.

Winners!

Thank you all so much for all of your comments and love yesterday! I loved receiving and reading each and every one. So I went to random.org this morning and here we have it---or winners!

I picked one official winner for the candleholder and that is Teresa Farmer. Congratulations! I also picked three runner-ups to receive an ornament and they are Trena, Leanne Hoovler and Michelle. Congrats to you girls as well! Please e-mail me at your earliest convenience at hannahshonor@yahoo.com. Teresa, let me know the name you would like as well as the symbol. Trena, Leanne and Michelle, let me know the name(s) as well as a color for each ornament (pink, blue, purple or green).

I look forward to hearing from you!

It's Giveaway Time!

Well, almost! Technically I'm 3 hours early, but just want to have this up and open for comments! I am so excited to be taking part in Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways once again this year! It blessed me last year in that I met some really wonderful women and created some lasting friendships. Truly a great thing to try to spread some cheer throughout a season which is so difficult without our babies. So, here we go!

Hannah inspired in me a love of crafting and creating and I am always trying something new! My most recent project is etching glass. I'd like to offer a custom etched glass candleholder to the winner of my giveaway like the one pictured below. I can put any name and any symbol (butterfly, ladybug, rose---you name it!) on it that you like!

And just so you know, I've been known to throw in a couple runner-ups here and there to win things! It does my heart good to try to help someone elses! So, leave me a comment---say anything! Has Hannah affected your life? Are you new to this journey? Is this your first Christmas or your fourth? Tell me about your baby. I'd like to get to know each and every one of you, or if I already do, learn something new about you.

Lots of love---and good luck!

25 Days of Giveaways

I am so excited to be participating in Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways again this year. Last year it was so special to me to host my day on Hannah's 3 month Angelversary and to get to know a lot of other BLM's who I have walked this path with this last year. It begins on December 1, so head over to Tina's blog that day to see what blog to go to that day for a giveaway. My day this year is December 11. It truly does help to be able to share your baby(ies) with others during the holidays and know that they are remembered by others as well.

14 Months

Has it really been that long?

I haven't had much of anything to say. Do I think it? Do I feel it? Yes. Can I get it out? No.

It lives inside of me. It's just so much of who I am now that to separate these emotions and pull them out would be devastating. Who knows if I even make sense. It's 4:23 am and I've been up since 2 for no good reason and my mind has just been spinning---which in turn, awakens things in my heart.

14 months ago I lost you, sweet girl. How very different I was then. How very different life was. I love you so much, Hannah.

Always.

13 Months

Happy 13 Months in Heaven, sweet Hannah. Mommy loves you.

I was in Carter's the other day to get Bobby a fall jacket. They have a little Lego table in the middle of the store for the kids to play with while the parents shop. Bobby was happily playing with 2 little girls.

(Caution: TRIGGER)

I hear him saying "Ellie Belles". (His sister that I am currently pregnant with)

The little girls are saying, "Eyebrows?" I said, "No, Ellie Belles. He's talking about his little sister." The little girl asks, "Do you have a baby in your belly?"

"Yes."

Then, Bobby, "I have another sister, too. Her name is Hanni."

Big smile on that sweet face.

My heart breaks.

Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? Why in all his innocence does he know that babies can die and go to Heaven?

13 Months, Hannah. I love you more than words can say.

Remembering Our Babies

So many of you and your babies have touched my heart and my life during this past year and I will be remembering you all tonight as I light my candle. Thank you for your friendship and for sharing the lives of your babies with me. I love them all. And I love you Hannah and those two little lives I lost early on.