Heavy

Maybe it's the eyes of loss, but looking around I see so much sadness in the world. Yet in the midst of it all there is something else. Something much bigger than sadness. Much braver and wiser and definitely much more needed. Love. I see love.

A father painfully recounts his son's last days. It's been the worst year of his life. A mother shares the eulogy she's delivered only a matter of days ago. How will she live without her son? Tears. Tears and pain and hurt and heartache. Sadness. Yet the response is overwhelming. The blanket of love that wraps around them is amazing to behold.

I remember well those dark dark days when my daughter was first taken. It was cold. It was lonely. I was desperate and despaired and angry. I was a sad that has no description because it is just beyond words. Two and a half years later I am wrapped in a beautiful blanket of LOVE. All because of Hannah. It is amazing and beautiful and yes, still sad. But thank you to all of you who are part of that warmth which surrounds me.

I miss blogging. I started a different blog but it just doesn't feel right. This is her place and I just need to feel her.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

This is your space. Has been your space and so I just need to talk to you today.

Happy Birthday Hannah.

I was sad last night going to bed. I was sad when I woke up this morning. I'm sad right now. I hope you are happy in Heaven. I hope you really are dancing and playing like everyone says you are. I hope that is real and true. I hope.

I really wish I could look in your eyes and tell you how much I love you. They are the only part of you I've never seen. I remember so much about this day 2 years ago, but I forget so much, too. I live with regret. I live with an unsettled feeling in my heart that if only....what if....how come.

Ahhh but then there's Ellie. Your little sister. She wouldn't be here. Did you send her? Is she like you? Oh how I would have my hands full. Oh how I wish I did.

I love you my girl. I miss you.

Happy, happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven.

I don't post here much anymore. Not because Hannah is not on my mind---she always is. She always will be on my mind and thoughts, in my heart, right here with me.

It is different now.

I do have things to say. I do have feelings that sit on my chest like a heavy weight and cause my eyes to sting with tears. But it's different now. Where as before I was living IN my grief, really just surviving, now I'm living WITH it. It is a part of my life. It is a part of who I am. It is a part of how I interact with my living children.

Here I mostly tried to focus on Hannah and how I was feeling. Having Eliana here now has caused things to resurface and also to heal. I've not really shared much of these things because I don't want to cause heartache for someone new on their grief journey by talking about my rainbow. Or even by talking about Bobby too much, Hannah's big brother.

So I've made a decision. I'm going to have this blog printed. I'm not going to blog here anymore, but at my new blog, Broken Yet Whole. I need to blog about all 5 of us. Together. Robert, Katy (me), Bobby, Hannah and Ellie.

I thank all of you for your support, love and friendship and would be honored if you'd continue to follow me there, but if not, I understand.

Death

The past few nights I've had such trouble sleeping. Death weighing heavily on my mind. The permanence of death and the absolute anguish it causes.

2 days ago, July 21, was my best friend's birthday. She would have been 32 had she not died 10 years ago today, July 23. A brain anuerism took her suddenly. Just like that. We spent our childhoods hand in hand. Inseparable. She was the sister I never had. It is still painful for me today to remember and miss her. It is painful for me to think of her mother, who lost her only child.

Yesterday I learned my close friend's nephew died, drowned, on Thursday. He was 13. His friend had jumped in the river and was drowning. He jumped in to try to save him. Both boys died. I called my friend and just cried for him. The heartache. The pain. I hurt for his mother, how she must feel. I spent last night thinking how if only he hadn't tried to help...if only. We've all been there.

And Hannah. I wonder who you would be today. My tiny princess. What if you'd had a chance to grow? To grow up?

I don't understand death. I hate the way it makes me feel. I'm so thankful, though, that this is only our temporary home. But what do you do if you don't believe that?

June 17

Two years ago today I found out you existed. Found out I loved you. Found out my life would change forever.

I love you sweet girl.

My Bobby

Sometimes it makes me really mad.

I loved to play with Bobby. I loved meeting playmates at the park, going to Gymboree, being his mom, being a mom. I still love to play with him and take him to the park and being his mom, but does he feel the same about me? Is this broken person really what he deserves? He deserves his whole mom back. Only when Hannah left, she took part of me. I am not and never will be the same. How is that fair? Why does Bobby get left with this beat up half of a mom? We all lose.

I just want my daughter. I want my son. I want both of my daughters. I want me.

Ahh just feeling defeated, feel defeated sometimes and need to get it out.

He's watched me grieve for more than half of his life. How do I give him more? How can I just be better? I want to for him so badly. I just don't know how.

There's so much on my mind.

Remembering

Today we walked to remember you, Hannah. It was chilly and damp, but perfect. We remember you every day. How could we ever forget?

Those first months of grief were the darkest days I've ever seen. So many tears. So many questions. So many sleepless nights and glasses of wine. I still have all of those same questions. I guess now I just accept that they will go unanswered in this life. Still, my mind wanders to who you would have been. What would life be like.

Oh and if only I could of had one glimpse into those eyes.

Love you so much sweet girl.