Hurts

It's strange the cycle my grief runs in. It changes continuously---so much so, that sometimes it is hard to keep up with it. I'm constantly chasing happy. I'm constantly flagging down hope and standing in the intersection of where it is and where it isn't. It's such a thin line. This is a heavy life sentence for sure.

Something else has been weighing on me. The big "H" word. Hysterectomy. I have been avoiding it for months now. I've had some concerning test results and end the decision was made to just take it all out. Only I still haven't done it yet. Haven't even scheduled it yet. It's too final for me. And still, a part of Hannah. Her home. Ahh, don't even know that it all makes sense. It just hurts. It makes me feel empty---or will it make me feel empty? I'll never bring life into this world again. I'll never spend 9 months praying over my growing belly again. I'll never do so many things.

Seems like another life sentence and a new grief all it's own.

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So, it's still "Under-Construction", but the shop now has a blog created to keep you up to date on items current and to come as well as a host of DIY tutorials I plan on getting up there. Would you follow me? Click HERE to visit and be sure to like us through the link on Facebook as well for giveaways, coupon codes and more!

Broken Hearts

Today is Valentine's Day---the day of love. All I'm feeling is sad. They say time heals all wounds, but do they ever fully heal? How could they?

It's been hard for me lately. I lose myself in daydreams of what could have been. I feel like I'm half connected to the world going on around me. I've been trying hard to focus on things besides the giant hole in my heart, but let's face it---sometimes you just can't.

I picture that sweet girl with a giant 2 year old grin opening her birthday presents. Eating her cake. Just doing everything that she SHOULD be here doing. Because she should be, right?

Ah this day of hearts just leaves mine broken once again. How do you truly live with this ache? How do you truly learn to live with it?

Are You Here?

I've wondered so many times in this journey if she was here. If Hannah was really still here and I just can't see her.

In the early days, weeks and months the pain took over everything. I felt nothing but that pain in every waking moment. It left me broken. It left me closed off to anything else.

I began crafting, reaching out, stepping out of my shell of grief to include others---to try to heal wounds that weren't my own because those were just too painful. And I began to feel her. I felt her in every craft I did for another angel mom, every memory box I donated, letter I wrote, every Bible study I hosted. She was with me. She still is.

But is she here?

I have Hannah's urn in a curio cabinet in the living room. Every night I turn the light on. Every morning I turn it off. I kiss her urn. I tell her I love her. Well, Ellie has been crying in front of her cabinet lately. She will walk over, point and cry. More of a whine, really. If I'm holding her when I open the door she will grab Hannah's urn and give kisses. She randomly walks over to the door and gives kisses. Do she know her? Is she here? Is she really still with us and around us? Do I just imagine her presence to try to give myself peace? To try to fill the hole with something else besides emptiness and pain?

The "world" has since moved on from the destruction her absence has caused in my life. Beautiful blooms have grown in many of the places it destroyed, yet still it aches. Still it is empty. Still I miss her.

Is she here?

Heavy

Maybe it's the eyes of loss, but looking around I see so much sadness in the world. Yet in the midst of it all there is something else. Something much bigger than sadness. Much braver and wiser and definitely much more needed. Love. I see love.

A father painfully recounts his son's last days. It's been the worst year of his life. A mother shares the eulogy she's delivered only a matter of days ago. How will she live without her son? Tears. Tears and pain and hurt and heartache. Sadness. Yet the response is overwhelming. The blanket of love that wraps around them is amazing to behold.

I remember well those dark dark days when my daughter was first taken. It was cold. It was lonely. I was desperate and despaired and angry. I was a sad that has no description because it is just beyond words. Two and a half years later I am wrapped in a beautiful blanket of LOVE. All because of Hannah. It is amazing and beautiful and yes, still sad. But thank you to all of you who are part of that warmth which surrounds me.

I miss blogging. I started a different blog but it just doesn't feel right. This is her place and I just need to feel her.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

This is your space. Has been your space and so I just need to talk to you today.

Happy Birthday Hannah.

I was sad last night going to bed. I was sad when I woke up this morning. I'm sad right now. I hope you are happy in Heaven. I hope you really are dancing and playing like everyone says you are. I hope that is real and true. I hope.

I really wish I could look in your eyes and tell you how much I love you. They are the only part of you I've never seen. I remember so much about this day 2 years ago, but I forget so much, too. I live with regret. I live with an unsettled feeling in my heart that if only....what if....how come.

Ahhh but then there's Ellie. Your little sister. She wouldn't be here. Did you send her? Is she like you? Oh how I would have my hands full. Oh how I wish I did.

I love you my girl. I miss you.

Happy, happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven.

I don't post here much anymore. Not because Hannah is not on my mind---she always is. She always will be on my mind and thoughts, in my heart, right here with me.

It is different now.

I do have things to say. I do have feelings that sit on my chest like a heavy weight and cause my eyes to sting with tears. But it's different now. Where as before I was living IN my grief, really just surviving, now I'm living WITH it. It is a part of my life. It is a part of who I am. It is a part of how I interact with my living children.

Here I mostly tried to focus on Hannah and how I was feeling. Having Eliana here now has caused things to resurface and also to heal. I've not really shared much of these things because I don't want to cause heartache for someone new on their grief journey by talking about my rainbow. Or even by talking about Bobby too much, Hannah's big brother.

So I've made a decision. I'm going to have this blog printed. I'm not going to blog here anymore, but at my new blog, Broken Yet Whole. I need to blog about all 5 of us. Together. Robert, Katy (me), Bobby, Hannah and Ellie.

I thank all of you for your support, love and friendship and would be honored if you'd continue to follow me there, but if not, I understand.