It's been awhile.
Ellie is here now. In fact as we speak I am sitting in the car on the way to have an x-ray and ultrasound on her. Precautionary, really, but I just feel so bad.
I remember when Bobby was little. Rocking him to sleep. Holding him all day long. Awed and amazed. I couldn't believe he was mine. Now so many times in the early hours of morning when sleep still has somewhat of a hold on me, I look at Ellie's sleeping face against my chest and I just don't think it is possible to love them anymore than I do. It's overwhelming, really, how I love them.
All of them.
Ahh, then come the nightmares and sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guilt that I have for so long tried to shake claws at my feelings and my conscience. If my body hadn't forced her out, she'd be here. Picturing her tiny body. Every perfect part. Complete, yet lifeless. I let her down. She depended on me and I let her down.
I miss you, Hannah. I'm sorry. So sorry. And I love you so much.
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Oh Katy, I am sure it is a struggle to balance those feelings. That guilt about our bodies betraying us is a difficult one. =( Sometimes what we know logically is hard to convince our hearts even though we know that if we'd had a choice we would have saved them. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteYou never let Hannah down, sweet girl. Please don't blame yourself. I know what is going on in your head, and your heart. I know because I'm at the same place. I know how hard it is for you to fall into the guilt and that sick feeling, but know this:
ReplyDeleteHannah knows how much you love her, and how much you think of her, and hold her in your heart.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
<3 <3
((hugs)) you'll never forget...
ReplyDeleteSuch a honest powerful post!! You are amazing and your sweet hannah knows how much you love her. You are a great mommy!! Much love!
ReplyDeleteI get your feelings Katy but don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't let her down, she knows how much you love her. You are such an amazing mommy, ((HUGS)).
ReplyDeleteI hope all is ok with Ellie..I am so sorry you feel so guilty, but your body did not fail her. That was the plan for Hannah long before you were even born. Not so easy to accept that fact though. Nicole is right..Hannah knows how much you think about her and love her. When I feel guilty about not going to see Aubree's grave I am reminded by Mike that she knows how often I think of her and how I want to be with her..I'm just sorry that you are feeling so sad today..I think it is just one of those days for everyone it seems like. Hugs and prayers to you. You know I am here if you want to talk. Hannah is so loved..just look at your blog..look at the people you have touched because of her..She is one lucky girl to have such a wonderful mother who shows the world how important she is to you.
ReplyDeleteOh Katy I hate that your heart still hurts, though that's understandable! Sending you lots of love and hugs!
ReplyDeleteKaty,
ReplyDeleteSo happy to learn that Ellie has arrived :) I know she brings you so much joy. Yet the plethora of emotions that ensue are inevitable. Praying for you as you transition and work through the pain.
Much Love to you my friend
xxx
Katy, my heart breaks for you. I well remember those feelings, that my body failed Meredith. But we didn't fail our daughters - we love them so much, then and now. You didn't purposely hurt Hannah. You do so much to honor her. Your love for her bursts forth in every item you make & give away or sell, and in every scripture you post or prayer you say for another hurting mother. Praying for you - hope you feel better soon & that Ellie is OK.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling that now. Happiness for my rainbow but sorrow for my angel baby. Seems ... wrong? Yet, I know it's only natural to feel this way... but that's not comforting either.
ReplyDeletePraying for God's peace to surround us both!
((hugz))
Jamie
Oh katy,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are hurting and i pray God brings you peace. Sending you love
Katy,
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you.I just want to say what I always do and that is,You are a dear sweet friend, and an amazing mom. You are so loving and kind. You would never do anything to let Hannah down. You never have or ever will. In fact it is quite the reverse you shine your love for her all over the world. You hold her in your heart and any mom can see that. You love her with a mothers love and that in it's self is perfect and powerful. It wasn't something in your contol. You did nothing to let her down. She knows now and always how you love her. Thousands of others know of your love as well. You didn't let her down, you hold her up always with love. She couldn't be more loved.
love you
Crystal
I'm sure Hannah doesn't feel you let her down at all. She loves her mommy so much and I bet she's so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm back..just wanted you to know that I gave you a Stylish Blogger Award..I think you know why I chose you..I couldn't have gotten through this past year without your help!! Much love..
ReplyDeletepraying for you peace and comfort...
ReplyDeletemy dear friend... I saw something on Shandrea's blog that totally relates to what you posted just now... somedays we get those ups and downs, and sometimes its all mixed up... The emotion of love for Ellie can't be intertwined with sorrow for missing Hannah.
ReplyDeleteYou and I both know that if there was something you could have done, you would have. We just don't have that kind of control in life. You are the kindest most loving mother in the world. Your kids are just as blessed to have you, as you feel to have them.
love you friend...
Your body did not let Hannah down. We are not the ones in control. God has His purpose in all things and He is a good and loving God. We may not always understand and it may not always make sense to us but He will and He does work all things out for good to those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. Believe that. Hannah is a gift and a blessing. Her life has purpose and meaning and one day you will rejoice with her in glory. Love you!
ReplyDelete