Friday, February 25, 2011

A Change

I've always written my posts to an "audience", sort of wondering out loud. I wrote pretty often, too. Then I went blank for a while and just couldn't even begin to form the words. I don't know if I was numb or if it was a form of acceptance. Now, I'm feeling like I need to talk to her. I need to write it out to Hannah. I don't know why. I guess I want to thank her. There are a million things I wish I could share with her. There's just a million THINGS.
But I'm still wondering why I just feel this now. Did I do FOR her this whole time and not WITH her? Have I been neglecting our connection as mother daughter to make it more bearable? Have I been avoiding this gift to guard my own heart? If so, it hasn't worked but I feel like there is so much I have pushed to the side. I don't even know if any single person will even understand one word I am writing.

Hannah. Dear Hannah,

Where do I start, 17 months later? It's been a journey. A real journey. I sit with your big brother beside me and your little sister sleeping in my arms. The day she was born I just knew you were with us. It hadn't rained or snowed or anything for at least a week. A dry, cold winter day. Yet there in the sky, a beautiful rainbow appeared. No other words but heaven sent.

It's hard to imagine life sometimes in other ways. It makes me think of our prayers. Had God answered every one in the way WE planned, how our lives would be. Who WE would be. You have made me so much better. You have given me gifts I know otherwise I would never have. You truly are an angel.

I love you my beautiful daughter.


Friday, February 18, 2011

February 18, 2011

Dear Hannah,

It's so hard to believe one year ago today you were due. I wonder who you'd be today. I wonder who you'd look like, would you be taking your first steps. I wonder so many things.

We celebrated Jack's first birthday last week. He really is an adorable little boy. When I first saw him and saw him walking around it brought such a sadness to my heart. I was so proud of him and so devastated for you all in a single moment. I'm sure you're dancing in Heaven. I'm sure of that. But it doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved to have seen it here first myself. How I love you little girl. How I ache for you. How it just consumes me sometimes. How that guilt finds me. I'm so sorry, Hannah. I'm so sorry I let you down. And it's so hard to wonder and imagine now that your little sister is here because when I do, I have to picture that dream without one of you in it. I just can't do that. I just have to accept how it is and know that someday it WILL be all of us together.

But to me, this will always be your special day. Bobby drew you some pictures and we're going to send you some balloons. I love you baby girl, always.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Ok, ok, so those of you who follow me just know I am not capable of picking just 1 winner! Raquel, Natasha, Denise, Wendy and Butterflymom! Email me your baby's full name, color you like and your contact information when you get a chance!

Thank you for all the lovely comments and thank you Mattie for this project!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

What LOVE Really Means (& a Giveaway!)

Today is my turn to join up with the lovely Mattie and several other wonderful blogging mommies to share what love really means to us. I'm honored to share a piece of my heart along with these other women, so here goes.

Love. Probably the most powerful word in the human language. The most coveted, the most longed for, and sometimes, the most painful.

All we ever know of love we learn. We learn in moments all strung together wrapping us up in the emotions. We learn of the love between man and woman watching our parents growing up. Then one day we fall in love and learn through experience. We learn the true meaning of unconditional love when we have children. Countless times I have stared at my own children just in awe of the love they have brought into my life. We love our family. We love our friends. We learn to love them through good times and bad. Love is not always easy. It's not always Valentine's hearts and roses. In fact, most of the time it is not. But truth is, we need love. We need these connections. We sometimes even need that desperate pain that comes in the midst of it. We learn. We learn to give and receive. And since God himself is love, I know our greatest lessons lie in Him.

My greatest lesson in love has also been my greatest gift and greatest hurt. One very special little girl taught me more about love, God's love, His grace, compassion and hope, than I ever even imagined existed.

Most of you who will read this post have felt that same loss, and I'm sure, have felt that same love. That love that caused your world to collapse. That love that broke your heart in a million pieces. That love you achingly clung to despite the facts. That love that you'd give anything to have. To have here. I felt and still feel all of that. But there's something else. That was my love to give and I am still amazed at what I am given in return.

His grace. Not possible to survive without it. How else do we even breathe? Thank you Lord for that friend when I needed her. Thank you for that peaceful moment when I thought I'd lose my mind. Thank you for that stranger who shared their heart. His grace comes from love.

Faith. I believe. I BELIEVE He works all things for good. I BELIEVE I will see Hannah again. I BELIEVE in that glorious reunion and that Christ died for our sins. Out of love. All out of love.

Compassion. Never have I known such compassion in my life as what Hannah has given me. I have poured it out and I have taken it in. That compassion has been a lifeline. It has made an unbearable day bearable. It has filled me up where otherwise I am completely empty. It is PURE love working through God's children. And it was born in me that very same day Hannah was. LOVE.

Love to me is an action, a verb, ever moving and changing and working. It consists of endless sets of emotions and to truly put it into words is nearly impossible. You have to FEEL it, LIVE it, and sometimes most painfully, LEARN it.

So in honor of these posts and Valentine's Day and just plain out of LOVE, I'd like to host a giveaway. What am I giving away, you ask? Don't know, but I'll surprise you with something nice, I promise! Just leave me a comment below about anything LOVE. I don't care what it is at all, a story, a quote, a verse, whatever. Just something about love that means something to you!

And don't forget to check back with Mattie tomorrow to keep reading and me on the Monday, February 14th for a winner!


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