I've always written my posts to an "audience", sort of wondering out loud. I wrote pretty often, too. Then I went blank for a while and just couldn't even begin to form the words. I don't know if I was numb or if it was a form of acceptance. Now, I'm feeling like I need to talk to her. I need to write it out to Hannah. I don't know why. I guess I want to thank her. There are a million things I wish I could share with her. There's just a million THINGS.
But I'm still wondering why I just feel this now. Did I do FOR her this whole time and not WITH her? Have I been neglecting our connection as mother daughter to make it more bearable? Have I been avoiding this gift to guard my own heart? If so, it hasn't worked but I feel like there is so much I have pushed to the side. I don't even know if any single person will even understand one word I am writing.
Hannah. Dear Hannah,
Where do I start, 17 months later? It's been a journey. A real journey. I sit with your big brother beside me and your little sister sleeping in my arms. The day she was born I just knew you were with us. It hadn't rained or snowed or anything for at least a week. A dry, cold winter day. Yet there in the sky, a beautiful rainbow appeared. No other words but heaven sent.
It's hard to imagine life sometimes in other ways. It makes me think of our prayers. Had God answered every one in the way WE planned, how our lives would be. Who WE would be. You have made me so much better. You have given me gifts I know otherwise I would never have. You truly are an angel.
I love you my beautiful daughter.