Monday, March 29, 2010

2 Years Old

I can't believe that Bobby will be 2 tomorrow. He is growing up so fast! We had his birthday party yesterday (Sesame Street) and I just thought I'd share a picture. He had such a good time and I just feel so blessed and thankful to have him as my son. Happy Birthday, Baby Boy!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Compassion and Healing.....

Matthew 4:23-25

Jesus Heals the Sick

23Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. 24News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them. 25Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him.

Matthew 9:35-36

The Workers Are Few

35Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. 36When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.

I was sick. I had an infection. It caused me to deliver my daughter much, much too soon. I cried out to Jesus. I prayed for healing. I prayed for my daughter.

I begged for compassion.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless...

He had compassion on them.

Jesus healed many in his days on earth. He has healed many from Heaven, having compassion on them. I have wondered often why He did not have compassion for me, compassion for my daughter. I wonder what He knows that I do not. What makes this a right part of His plan? What makes this worth the sacrafice? What makes this worth my daughter's life? What makes this worth losing part of my heart?

I wonder.

Jesus could have healed me, too. He just chose not to.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I Get Along Without You Very Well

I had this song in my head all day yesterday, and not because I heard it or anything. I sang it in chorus in the 7th grade. I think that was the last time I heard it. But it was in my head. It was making me think of Hannah.

I get along without you very well
Of course I do
Except when soft rains fall
And drip from leaves, then I recall
The thrill of being sheltered in your arms
Of course, I do
But I get along without you very well

I've forgotten you just like I should
Of course I have
Except to hear your name
Or someone's laugh that is the same
But I've forgotten you just like I should

What a guy, what a fool am I
To think my breaking heart could kid the moon
What's in store? Should I phone once more?
No, it's best that I stick to my tune

I get along without you very well
Of course I do
Except perhaps in spring
But I should never think of spring
For that would surely break my heart in two.

Not that the song necessarily applies, but as I went about my day I felt an emptiness. I thought of others with their children in their arms. I hurt for my family. I hurt for my daughter and thought of how I really do get along.

Not very well.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Dear Hannah.....

If words are carried on the breeze,
I hear you.
If love rustles through the leaves,
I feel you.
If life exists within a human heart,
I know you,
I know,
we never are apart.

If hope became tangible
and caught my eye,
With faith not abandoned
I could fly.
I would see you running
your smile wide and bright.
I would tell you I love you
I would no longer fight
to have you as I would
to instead let you go
to send you to Heaven
while I stay below.
It's hardest, it hurts
when each day ends
yet each day gone
and the next begins
and this brings me closer
to the light in your smile
I love you
I miss you
I'll be there in a while.

Love, Mommy

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Six Months

Happy 6 Months in Heaven, sweet, beautiful girl. I love you. I miss you.


Monday, March 15, 2010


I don't know what it is about today, but I am sad. Not angry, bitter, envious, resentful.....sad. Maybe it's the three plus days of rain. Maybe it's just that my heart is swollen again with grief. I don't know. I just know I feel this melancholy blanket hanging over me. I feel the tears welling up. I see them blinding my sight and joining the rain.

I think right now I have just lost sight of that hope. It is patiently sitting on the other side of the giant obstacles I see before me. They are overwhelming and crushing.

I wonder what you are doing, sweet girl. I wonder who you are. I wonder why right at this moment I can't be cradling you in my arms. Bobby is sleeping. I see his chest rising and falling. I hear his breath. God what I would give to watch you sleeping. To see your chest rise and fall. To hear your breath. I love you. I love you so much.

I wonder sometimes why it has to be so hard. Please. Take this weight. Clear this path a little for me. I feel like I am drowning.

Saturday, March 13, 2010


I have copied my post from Pray Date today below because I just feel it has such an incredibly powerful message for each of us, especially those of us who often flail our arms about just trying to grasp the hope we know is there. I hope it will affect just one of you the way it has me.

Matthew 14:25-33

25 About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”

27 But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”

28 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

29 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

31 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

32 When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. 33 Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

I came across these passages the other day going through my "Read the Bible in a Year" program. Now, I have read this story before, quite a few times. I looked at it much differently this time and it has stuck with me. I really felt like I wanted to share this. I am sure it is no profound revelation I have found. In fact, it seems the obvious translation but just never spoke to me before as it does now.

When Peter BELIEVED he could walk on water, he DID. When he began to DOUBT Jesus (when he began to fear the storm), he SANK. Wow. What am I preventing the Lord from doing in my life by not believing He can do it?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Good Measure

Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  Luke 6:38

This verse was the "theme" verse in one of my daily devotionals yesterday. Powerful, isn't it? It really allowed me to think of the many things that have been given to me since losing Hannah, both physically and spiritually. Each person who finds themself just reading this very sentence has given me something and I am so humbled to be the recipient of these gifts. I hope in many ways I will be able to return these gifts to others and to offer a "good measure" to another soul.

Have you ever read the definition of altruism, especially when used as a coping mechanism?

"Altruism and other pro-social action may seem rather strange as a 'coping' behavior. According to the dictionary it is 'unselfish concern for the welfare of others'. Yet beneath the surface we all have our ills and seek to cope with them as best we can. If we have strong values about being unselfish and putting others first, altruism is a perfect mechanism for avoiding, and perhaps even curing our own problems.

Direct altruism may be found when a person seeks to help others with the same problem that the person has, thus seeking an indirect way of effecting a direct cure on oneself. Altruism may also be less direct and aimed at helping others in a range of circumstances. This may appear when the more direct approach would still be too painful."

I think so many of us in this community have used this coping behavior from time to time, or even recurrently, as a means of trying to heal our own healing others. I know I have, and it has truly been a blessing in return. That is what makes this such a wonderful and compassionate community of women. I am humbled and appreciative to have found so many of you and the friendship and support each offers.

I guess my point in all of this is thank you. God always hears our prayers. He knows our hearts. He sends us others and sends us to others. He measures using the same measure with which you measure, so I KNOW His plan is wonderful and full of blessings for each of us. Count these blessings that have come from our babies.

Who better to softly bind up the wound of one, than he who has suffered the same wound himself? Thomas Jefferson

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Feeling the LOVE!

I have to say I feel truly blessed to have made some really wonderful friends along this journey and I just want to say thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

Remember my Labybug story? I received this in the mail from sweet Andrea at Julia, Our Christmas Angel. It is my story, decorated beautifully on sky blue paper with overlaying clouds and ladybugs. Thank you so much, Andrea. I LOVE it!

Another sweet friend Andrea over at Life, Love & Persuit of our Fairytale, after reading of my difficulties on Faith and a Rainbow, sent me a "pamper package"--- and boy do I need it! What a great surprise! Thank you so much, Andrea!

And can you believe I got the Beautiful Blogger Award again?! This time from Lauren over at Jonathan's Journey. Thank you so much, Lauren! I wanted to officially post a thank you but I think I'll wait a little bit to pass it on again as I just did that recently!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Sharing Positivity

The question of "what positive things have come from the loss of your baby(ies)?" is what we are asking on the Butterfly Mommies Giveaway. It's a tough one. How do empty arms and broken hearts ever come to symbolize positivity?

My daughter has blessed me in so many ways. She has given me strengthened relationships, new friendships, compassion and love. She has pulled me towards the Heavens into the arms of Jesus. She has shown me the way to Eternal life, essentially. My relationship with the Lord no longer exists solely on the surface, but deep within my heart and soul.

Hannah is a wonderful blessing.

I have been looking back a lot lately at events in my life. I've been trying to look for God in so many of them---and have suprisingly found Him. But that is no surprise at all. I was thinking about my first miscarriage. Was it God asking me to just trust His timing? I had suffered from infertility for years and was planning on going the RE route again. Was he telling me to wait? I did. Then I had Bobby. After Bobby came Hannah. The list of blessings received from her can fill an entire notebook, I am sure. But what about my rainbow, I thought. Why did I have to lose that baby too? Perhaps He is telling me not yet. It is possible. I hear you. But not yet. Not like this.

And those beautiful souls ascended to Heaven to never suffer, never cry, never hurt or feel pain. That in itself is a positive, though it causes us so much pain.

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