Wednesday, January 19, 2011


It's been awhile.

Ellie is here now. In fact as we speak I am sitting in the car on the way to have an x-ray and ultrasound on her. Precautionary, really, but I just feel so bad.

I remember when Bobby was little. Rocking him to sleep. Holding him all day long. Awed and amazed. I couldn't believe he was mine. Now so many times in the early hours of morning when sleep still has somewhat of a hold on me, I look at Ellie's sleeping face against my chest and I just don't think it is possible to love them anymore than I do. It's overwhelming, really, how I love them.

All of them.

Ahh, then come the nightmares and sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guilt that I have for so long tried to shake claws at my feelings and my conscience. If my body hadn't forced her out, she'd be here. Picturing her tiny body. Every perfect part. Complete, yet lifeless. I let her down. She depended on me and I let her down.

I miss you, Hannah. I'm sorry. So sorry. And I love you so much.

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