Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

This is your space. Has been your space and so I just need to talk to you today.

Happy Birthday Hannah.

I was sad last night going to bed. I was sad when I woke up this morning. I'm sad right now. I hope you are happy in Heaven. I hope you really are dancing and playing like everyone says you are. I hope that is real and true. I hope.

I really wish I could look in your eyes and tell you how much I love you. They are the only part of you I've never seen. I remember so much about this day 2 years ago, but I forget so much, too. I live with regret. I live with an unsettled feeling in my heart that if only....what come.

Ahhh but then there's Ellie. Your little sister. She wouldn't be here. Did you send her? Is she like you? Oh how I would have my hands full. Oh how I wish I did.

I love you my girl. I miss you.

Happy, happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I don't post here much anymore. Not because Hannah is not on my mind---she always is. She always will be on my mind and thoughts, in my heart, right here with me.

It is different now.

I do have things to say. I do have feelings that sit on my chest like a heavy weight and cause my eyes to sting with tears. But it's different now. Where as before I was living IN my grief, really just surviving, now I'm living WITH it. It is a part of my life. It is a part of who I am. It is a part of how I interact with my living children.

Here I mostly tried to focus on Hannah and how I was feeling. Having Eliana here now has caused things to resurface and also to heal. I've not really shared much of these things because I don't want to cause heartache for someone new on their grief journey by talking about my rainbow. Or even by talking about Bobby too much, Hannah's big brother.

So I've made a decision. I'm going to have this blog printed. I'm not going to blog here anymore, but at my new blog, Broken Yet Whole. I need to blog about all 5 of us. Together. Robert, Katy (me), Bobby, Hannah and Ellie.

I thank all of you for your support, love and friendship and would be honored if you'd continue to follow me there, but if not, I understand.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


The past few nights I've had such trouble sleeping. Death weighing heavily on my mind. The permanence of death and the absolute anguish it causes.

2 days ago, July 21, was my best friend's birthday. She would have been 32 had she not died 10 years ago today, July 23. A brain anuerism took her suddenly. Just like that. We spent our childhoods hand in hand. Inseparable. She was the sister I never had. It is still painful for me today to remember and miss her. It is painful for me to think of her mother, who lost her only child.

Yesterday I learned my close friend's nephew died, drowned, on Thursday. He was 13. His friend had jumped in the river and was drowning. He jumped in to try to save him. Both boys died. I called my friend and just cried for him. The heartache. The pain. I hurt for his mother, how she must feel. I spent last night thinking how if only he hadn't tried to help...if only. We've all been there.

And Hannah. I wonder who you would be today. My tiny princess. What if you'd had a chance to grow? To grow up?

I don't understand death. I hate the way it makes me feel. I'm so thankful, though, that this is only our temporary home. But what do you do if you don't believe that?

Friday, June 17, 2011

June 17

Two years ago today I found out you existed. Found out I loved you. Found out my life would change forever.

I love you sweet girl.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

My Bobby

Sometimes it makes me really mad.

I loved to play with Bobby. I loved meeting playmates at the park, going to Gymboree, being his mom, being a mom. I still love to play with him and take him to the park and being his mom, but does he feel the same about me? Is this broken person really what he deserves? He deserves his whole mom back. Only when Hannah left, she took part of me. I am not and never will be the same. How is that fair? Why does Bobby get left with this beat up half of a mom? We all lose.

I just want my daughter. I want my son. I want both of my daughters. I want me.

Ahh just feeling defeated, feel defeated sometimes and need to get it out.

He's watched me grieve for more than half of his life. How do I give him more? How can I just be better? I want to for him so badly. I just don't know how.

There's so much on my mind.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Today we walked to remember you, Hannah. It was chilly and damp, but perfect. We remember you every day. How could we ever forget?

Those first months of grief were the darkest days I've ever seen. So many tears. So many questions. So many sleepless nights and glasses of wine. I still have all of those same questions. I guess now I just accept that they will go unanswered in this life. Still, my mind wanders to who you would have been. What would life be like.

Oh and if only I could of had one glimpse into those eyes.

Love you so much sweet girl.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Grief with a purpose is a powerful force. Now add to that a mother's love and I'd say it's nearly unstoppable.

My husband is working tonight and Bobby and Ellie are both asleep. I'm sitting reclined on the couch in the dark holding my infant daughter in my arms, listening to Booby's clock tick tock the seconds by. Occasionally he'll cough, finally recovering from the croup he must have caught in nursery school. So what do I do? I catch up on my Purpose-Driven and Girlfriends in God emails. I read the next scriptures on my Bible in a Year App. I check my Anchored by Hope email and find two new requests to add for Butterfly Mommies. So I read their stories and I'm just struck with two very tangible results of loss.

The first. God is always here. He always has been, no matter how vacant this path has seemed. I've neglected this gift, taken this gift for granted, used what He's given while still clinging to my own plans. I am so far from perfect, yet He loves me. He loves me at my worst and at my best---the same.

The second, the more difficult to accept or comprehend. It (the grief) can be used for good. The tears, pain, desperation, longing, anger, the GRIEF, can be used for good. That is why I began this post with that thought. Wow is grief powerful, intense. All of that can be used for good. So God, how do we work it?

Hannah, you are one amazing little woman. Absolutely perfect and made of absolute pure love. Oh how your mommy loves you.

Friday, February 25, 2011

A Change

I've always written my posts to an "audience", sort of wondering out loud. I wrote pretty often, too. Then I went blank for a while and just couldn't even begin to form the words. I don't know if I was numb or if it was a form of acceptance. Now, I'm feeling like I need to talk to her. I need to write it out to Hannah. I don't know why. I guess I want to thank her. There are a million things I wish I could share with her. There's just a million THINGS.
But I'm still wondering why I just feel this now. Did I do FOR her this whole time and not WITH her? Have I been neglecting our connection as mother daughter to make it more bearable? Have I been avoiding this gift to guard my own heart? If so, it hasn't worked but I feel like there is so much I have pushed to the side. I don't even know if any single person will even understand one word I am writing.

Hannah. Dear Hannah,

Where do I start, 17 months later? It's been a journey. A real journey. I sit with your big brother beside me and your little sister sleeping in my arms. The day she was born I just knew you were with us. It hadn't rained or snowed or anything for at least a week. A dry, cold winter day. Yet there in the sky, a beautiful rainbow appeared. No other words but heaven sent.

It's hard to imagine life sometimes in other ways. It makes me think of our prayers. Had God answered every one in the way WE planned, how our lives would be. Who WE would be. You have made me so much better. You have given me gifts I know otherwise I would never have. You truly are an angel.

I love you my beautiful daughter.


Friday, February 18, 2011

February 18, 2011

Dear Hannah,

It's so hard to believe one year ago today you were due. I wonder who you'd be today. I wonder who you'd look like, would you be taking your first steps. I wonder so many things.

We celebrated Jack's first birthday last week. He really is an adorable little boy. When I first saw him and saw him walking around it brought such a sadness to my heart. I was so proud of him and so devastated for you all in a single moment. I'm sure you're dancing in Heaven. I'm sure of that. But it doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved to have seen it here first myself. How I love you little girl. How I ache for you. How it just consumes me sometimes. How that guilt finds me. I'm so sorry, Hannah. I'm so sorry I let you down. And it's so hard to wonder and imagine now that your little sister is here because when I do, I have to picture that dream without one of you in it. I just can't do that. I just have to accept how it is and know that someday it WILL be all of us together.

But to me, this will always be your special day. Bobby drew you some pictures and we're going to send you some balloons. I love you baby girl, always.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Ok, ok, so those of you who follow me just know I am not capable of picking just 1 winner! Raquel, Natasha, Denise, Wendy and Butterflymom! Email me your baby's full name, color you like and your contact information when you get a chance!

Thank you for all the lovely comments and thank you Mattie for this project!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

What LOVE Really Means (& a Giveaway!)

Today is my turn to join up with the lovely Mattie and several other wonderful blogging mommies to share what love really means to us. I'm honored to share a piece of my heart along with these other women, so here goes.

Love. Probably the most powerful word in the human language. The most coveted, the most longed for, and sometimes, the most painful.

All we ever know of love we learn. We learn in moments all strung together wrapping us up in the emotions. We learn of the love between man and woman watching our parents growing up. Then one day we fall in love and learn through experience. We learn the true meaning of unconditional love when we have children. Countless times I have stared at my own children just in awe of the love they have brought into my life. We love our family. We love our friends. We learn to love them through good times and bad. Love is not always easy. It's not always Valentine's hearts and roses. In fact, most of the time it is not. But truth is, we need love. We need these connections. We sometimes even need that desperate pain that comes in the midst of it. We learn. We learn to give and receive. And since God himself is love, I know our greatest lessons lie in Him.

My greatest lesson in love has also been my greatest gift and greatest hurt. One very special little girl taught me more about love, God's love, His grace, compassion and hope, than I ever even imagined existed.

Most of you who will read this post have felt that same loss, and I'm sure, have felt that same love. That love that caused your world to collapse. That love that broke your heart in a million pieces. That love you achingly clung to despite the facts. That love that you'd give anything to have. To have here. I felt and still feel all of that. But there's something else. That was my love to give and I am still amazed at what I am given in return.

His grace. Not possible to survive without it. How else do we even breathe? Thank you Lord for that friend when I needed her. Thank you for that peaceful moment when I thought I'd lose my mind. Thank you for that stranger who shared their heart. His grace comes from love.

Faith. I believe. I BELIEVE He works all things for good. I BELIEVE I will see Hannah again. I BELIEVE in that glorious reunion and that Christ died for our sins. Out of love. All out of love.

Compassion. Never have I known such compassion in my life as what Hannah has given me. I have poured it out and I have taken it in. That compassion has been a lifeline. It has made an unbearable day bearable. It has filled me up where otherwise I am completely empty. It is PURE love working through God's children. And it was born in me that very same day Hannah was. LOVE.

Love to me is an action, a verb, ever moving and changing and working. It consists of endless sets of emotions and to truly put it into words is nearly impossible. You have to FEEL it, LIVE it, and sometimes most painfully, LEARN it.

So in honor of these posts and Valentine's Day and just plain out of LOVE, I'd like to host a giveaway. What am I giving away, you ask? Don't know, but I'll surprise you with something nice, I promise! Just leave me a comment below about anything LOVE. I don't care what it is at all, a story, a quote, a verse, whatever. Just something about love that means something to you!

And don't forget to check back with Mattie tomorrow to keep reading and me on the Monday, February 14th for a winner!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


It's been awhile.

Ellie is here now. In fact as we speak I am sitting in the car on the way to have an x-ray and ultrasound on her. Precautionary, really, but I just feel so bad.

I remember when Bobby was little. Rocking him to sleep. Holding him all day long. Awed and amazed. I couldn't believe he was mine. Now so many times in the early hours of morning when sleep still has somewhat of a hold on me, I look at Ellie's sleeping face against my chest and I just don't think it is possible to love them anymore than I do. It's overwhelming, really, how I love them.

All of them.

Ahh, then come the nightmares and sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guilt that I have for so long tried to shake claws at my feelings and my conscience. If my body hadn't forced her out, she'd be here. Picturing her tiny body. Every perfect part. Complete, yet lifeless. I let her down. She depended on me and I let her down.

I miss you, Hannah. I'm sorry. So sorry. And I love you so much.

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