Sunday, December 12, 2010


Thank you all so much for all of your comments and love yesterday! I loved receiving and reading each and every one. So I went to this morning and here we have it---or winners!

I picked one official winner for the candleholder and that is Teresa Farmer. Congratulations! I also picked three runner-ups to receive an ornament and they are Trena, Leanne Hoovler and Michelle. Congrats to you girls as well! Please e-mail me at your earliest convenience at Teresa, let me know the name you would like as well as the symbol. Trena, Leanne and Michelle, let me know the name(s) as well as a color for each ornament (pink, blue, purple or green).

I look forward to hearing from you!

Friday, December 10, 2010

It's Giveaway Time!

Well, almost! Technically I'm 3 hours early, but just want to have this up and open for comments! I am so excited to be taking part in Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways once again this year! It blessed me last year in that I met some really wonderful women and created some lasting friendships. Truly a great thing to try to spread some cheer throughout a season which is so difficult without our babies. So, here we go!

Hannah inspired in me a love of crafting and creating and I am always trying something new! My most recent project is etching glass. I'd like to offer a custom etched glass candleholder to the winner of my giveaway like the one pictured below. I can put any name and any symbol (butterfly, ladybug, rose---you name it!) on it that you like!

And just so you know, I've been known to throw in a couple runner-ups here and there to win things! It does my heart good to try to help someone elses! So, leave me a comment---say anything! Has Hannah affected your life? Are you new to this journey? Is this your first Christmas or your fourth? Tell me about your baby. I'd like to get to know each and every one of you, or if I already do, learn something new about you.

Lots of love---and good luck!

Friday, November 26, 2010

25 Days of Giveaways

I am so excited to be participating in Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways again this year. Last year it was so special to me to host my day on Hannah's 3 month Angelversary and to get to know a lot of other BLM's who I have walked this path with this last year. It begins on December 1, so head over to Tina's blog that day to see what blog to go to that day for a giveaway. My day this year is December 11. It truly does help to be able to share your baby(ies) with others during the holidays and know that they are remembered by others as well.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

14 Months

Has it really been that long?

I haven't had much of anything to say. Do I think it? Do I feel it? Yes. Can I get it out? No.

It lives inside of me. It's just so much of who I am now that to separate these emotions and pull them out would be devastating. Who knows if I even make sense. It's 4:23 am and I've been up since 2 for no good reason and my mind has just been spinning---which in turn, awakens things in my heart.

14 months ago I lost you, sweet girl. How very different I was then. How very different life was. I love you so much, Hannah.


Thursday, October 21, 2010

13 Months

Happy 13 Months in Heaven, sweet Hannah. Mommy loves you.

I was in Carter's the other day to get Bobby a fall jacket. They have a little Lego table in the middle of the store for the kids to play with while the parents shop. Bobby was happily playing with 2 little girls.

(Caution: TRIGGER)

I hear him saying "Ellie Belles". (His sister that I am currently pregnant with)

The little girls are saying, "Eyebrows?" I said, "No, Ellie Belles. He's talking about his little sister." The little girl asks, "Do you have a baby in your belly?"


Then, Bobby, "I have another sister, too. Her name is Hanni."

Big smile on that sweet face.

My heart breaks.

Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? Why in all his innocence does he know that babies can die and go to Heaven?

13 Months, Hannah. I love you more than words can say.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Remembering Our Babies

So many of you and your babies have touched my heart and my life during this past year and I will be remembering you all tonight as I light my candle. Thank you for your friendship and for sharing the lives of your babies with me. I love them all. And I love you Hannah and those two little lives I lost early on.

Sunday, October 10, 2010


Bobby with all the pumpkins! Can't wait to see them all lit up at night!

Bobby's Diego Pumpkin

Hannah's Ladybug Pumpkin

Ellie's Owl Pumpkin

The little pumpkins Bobby painted. The dogs got one, too!

Hannah's Birthday & Walk

I have a lot of catching up to do! First I want to thank everyone who supported us as we honored Hannah on her birthday. It was so comforting to know that others were thinking of her as well. (Thank you Andrea, Ann, Kristie, Sarita, Crystal and Mom and Dad for the special gifts you gave us in her memory.)

It was a beautiful day out. We began by going to the store for balloons to release on the South Amboy Waterfront. We didn't know, unfortunately, that they were currently doing construction with the rip rap on the beach, but it was still a beautiful and peaceful moment to honor her.

Bobby colored her a Birthday card and let it go tied to his and Ellie's balloon.

Then Bobby helped Daddy let his balloon go.

Then we let mine go.

After Bobby played on the playground for a little while, we went and had a nice lunch together. Then we went over to the bakery to get some cupcakes. I was going to bake a cake with Bobby until I got an email that Hannah's birthday week was the same week that this bakery was participating in "Cupcakes for a Cause". All of the money made on these cupcakes that week was donated to children's cancer research. I thought it was a great gift from Hannah to buy these cupcakes on her birthday, so we bought a dozen.

When we got home we had received flowers from my mom and dad.....

And these are the ones we bought for Hannah on her First Birthday in Heaven.....

My parents came for dinner and we enjoyed spending the time honoring our little angel. We looked through her baby book and her photo album and cried a little, but mostly it was a nice, peaceful day.

It seemed so appropriate that 4 days later was the SHARE Walk to Remember. It was another beautiful day to honor one special little girl.

We love you and miss you, sweet girl, so much!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Winners Are...

First of all, I just want to thank everyone for all the love and support. I wish I had more time to write this morning, but unfortunately I don't. Yesterday was a nice, peaceful day, however, and I appreciate you all so much. I'll be posting within the next couple of days some pictures from our day.

But without further delay, the winner is Lauren! I'm giving away a custom wooden memory box. I've also chosen 4 runner ups to receive a special prize! They are: Patty, Our Journey, Melanie and Elainna. Congrats, girls! Please just send me an email with your full name/address and I'll get these out right away! My email is

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Happy Birthday, Hannah---and a present for one of you

Today is Hannah's First Birthday in Heaven. My husband took off today and we have a few things planned to do as a family followed by dinner with my parents tonight.

Today is hard already. Picturing that sweet little girl tht never got a chance. Knowing all that we, that she, will miss out on. Trying to remember she has so much more than any of that now.

A lot of my family has seemed to have forgotten her. It makes me sad. If she were here, they'd be fighting to hold her. She's not here and they don't even speak her name. Besides my parents, two aunts and a few other people, really my family support is non-existent. I'll put that aside and just hope that in their hearts she is thought of from time to time.

The support from other BLM's is amazing. Thank you to each and every one of you who posted on my FB wall or sent me an email. Thank you to my sweet friend Andrea as I know she is honoring Hannah with me. Thank you to Kristie and all the ABH girls. Thank you to Antoinette for making Hannah's Birthday an event. The list goes on when it comes to the support I receive from these women who didn't even know me this day last year that Hannah was born. You have no idea how much it means, and so, I'd like to share Hannah's Birthday present with you and have a giveaway. To enter just leave me a comment on how my daughter has affected your life in some way. I'll announce the winner(s) and the prize(s) in the morning.

Friday, September 3, 2010


I can't believe it is September already. It brings on a whole new set of emotions, really. In just a few weeks, I will be staring Hannah's first birthday in the face. I have been thining about these days so much. About how it all began. About how it all ended---and began again, in a different way.

I am looking forward to the Share Memorial Walk. We walked last year in October on my 31st birthday. This year the walk falls 4 days after Hannah's 1st birthday. I am glad my husband and I are able to be involved in some way, too. It helps to be able to do something. We are donating the water and my husband will DJ the ceremony in the beginning before the walk begins.

Really, this is so frustrating. I have so much to say and just no words to use to describe it. Writers block of my emotions.

How I love you sweet girl. How I miss you.

Friday, August 20, 2010

My World

I know I've been quiet. I have been sort of spun into a world where joy and sorrow now co-exist. Beautifully. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the grace of God each day. I have hope. I have things to look forward to. I am not moving on, I am marching ahead---not farther from Hannah, but closer to her for Eternity.

There is still a hole in my heart. She filled that space the instant I knew she even existed and when she left, she took that with her. But I know where that treasure lies. I know for certain.

What a path it has been. Saturday marks 11 months. I can't believe it. Next month, her birthday. Her first Birthday in Heaven. And the path continues. I journey through new emotions. I journey through old ones, too.

I am richly blessed by wonderful friendships. I am so richly blessed, in ways I would not be had she not gone. I try not to think on that alternate universe where things played out as expected. Where she lived. How it would be now. How I would be complete---yet empty. Losing her has filled me, yet left me incomplete. Again, the co-mingling of joy and sorrow.


a face I remember
when I close my eyes
dream dreams of

a face I remember
full of beauty and grace
drove me to my knees

a face I wish I
could gaze into her eyes
seeing hope and a
sparkle of

I love you sweet girl.

Friday, July 30, 2010

A Pray Date Giveaway

Today is a tough day for me and being I hit 200 posts on my Pray Date blog, I decided to host a giveaway, to help me through this day and perhaps, to help you along your grief journey. You don't need to be a follower to enter, though if you'd like to, I'd love to have you. To enter, click here.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

10 Months and a Birthday

Yesterday marked 10 months since Hannah Katherine left us. 10 months. It's hard to believe how fast, yet how slow, the time goes all at once. Yesterday was also my best friend's birthday. She would have been 31, had she not died suddenly 9 years ago tomorrow.

You never know where life will lead you. So many times in my life I have felt like I've been on a "sure" path---the "right" path---when suddenly, the unexpected happens and throws you all off course. It was never anything so devastating as losing my daughter until 10 months ago. That was life changing, not just "path" altering. Life changing. So many times I have sat here and wondered why and searched my heart and mind with questions, finding no answers. I know someday in Heaven I will know, and my reward will be great. To feel her in my arms again. To kiss her beautiful face. To see the sunlight in her hair. To tell her I love her.

10 months. Happy 10 months, Hannah. And Happy Birthday, Erica.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Dear Hannah

Dear Hannah,

My beautiful daughter. How bittersweet life is these days. These months seem so much to parallel those of last summer. Except you are not here. Except I am not the same person I was last summer. You are going to have a little sisiter. I am hopeful for her. I am longing for you. I wish with all my heart that you could both be. That I could have you both.

I haven't written in a while from my heart. I've posted facts or information, or passed on prayer requests, but I've kept from digging too deeply into my heart. Afraid of what I would find. I layed in bed this morning listening for Bobby to awake. I was thinking of you and holding you in my hands. How little you were. How perfect. But my mind always drifts away from these moments to the terrible things that happened in that room. I shut it down. I opened my Bible. I found a beautiful passage in Lamentations. I have come to accept this life. I have come to accept that you are gone. I still just miss you so much. I still just wish it could be different, but now I feel so torn.

I just want you to know I love you. Just because I am quiet does not mean you still do not spend every day on my mind and in my heart. You do. You always will. You are my beautiful daughter.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Online Bible Study Fall

We're so excited to welcome Amy to the Anchored by Hope team. She will be leading our next study set to begin Sunday, September 12 at 7pm Central. For more info or to sign up, contact Amy at

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I feel like I always come asking for prayers, but they are needed. Ashley lost her brother yesterday in a car accident. She lost her Nolan last year and is currently about 15 weeks pregnant. Please show her some love and keep her family in your prayers. Please also continue to pray for Shandrea.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Sad News

I know you have all been praying and I appreciate it so much. Sadly, Shandrea has lost her third baby. Please continue to pray for her and visit her blog to offer her some encouragement and love.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Please Pray

Please pray for a very sweet friend of mine. I can't disclose name or situation, but God knows who she is. He knows her needs. He knows and has the power to heal. Please pray.

Post #100 + MORE Questions + the Winner is.....

Post #100! Yay! Now for the last of the questions and then to announce the winners as picked by my handsome 2 year old assistant!

Belle asked, "How do prepare yourself for the eventual hard questions that you'll get from your son one day? What do you think you'll say?"
I don't think I can prepare, I will just answer them as gently and honestly as I can. I won't give him more than he can handle. I am sure I will know what is right when the time comes. As far as what I'll say, I'll tell him all about his beautiful little sister. Whatever he wants to know.

Mattie asked, "What book has been the most helpful to you in your grief process?"
Easy one. The Bible. I know many women immerse themselves in books. While I have always loved to read, I have not done this. I have read 2 books about grief in the past 9 months, and finished both recently. The first was "Hearing Jesus Speak in yoour Sorrow" by Nancy Guthrie. Wonderful, wonderful book. The second was given to me by a sweet friend, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. All I can say to this book is WOW. I HIGHLY recommend. HIGHLY. It was wonderful and she is a beautiful living example of God's grace.

Lisette asked, "What word would you use to describe grief?
Hmmmm. Tough one. If I had to pick one word I would say constant. Not constantly the same, but constant. It is this new "thing" that walks with me through life now.

Andrea asked, "What value in your life has strengthened or changed the most since Hannah was born?"
I don't know that my values have changed so much, but I am much more passionate about many things. I think the characteristic that has come out most in me is compassion. I've said before, I feel like I suffer from altruism (the desire the help someone else in the same situation as yourself as a means of helping yourself). I value life in general more, including that of strangers and many women I do not know. I guess losing Hannah has given me a purpose and a mission in my life.

Thank you all for participating and for all the great questions! It's been fun (and difficult) to answer them all! Now the winners.......(Bobby picked 2 because he likes that number!)

Shandrea and Jennifer (The Blue Sparrow)

Yay! Congratulations! You both have a choice of your prize which you can email me your choice along with your address to


A Blessing Ring (let me know what color/theme if you pick this) or a Memorial Plaque (scripture quoted is Jeremiah 1:5)

Congratulations guys and thank you all for playing along!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Post #99 + Some More Answers!

Ok! Last chance to ask me a question before I end this Giveaway! Here are my answers to the next group of (9) VERY difficult questions!

Shandrea asked, "How has your faith changed from the time you were pregnant with Hannah to today?"
My faith has grown tremendously. Before I lost Hannah I don't even know that I KNEW the true meaning of faith. I've been through some incredibly difficult things in my life but never one where I had the cling to God just to survive each day. I get that now. I have a new understanding of what having a relationship with God truly means.

Crystal asked, "If you could give one piece of advice to another mother who is just beginning this journey what would it be?" and "What is your favorite way to remember Hannah? and why?"
My advice would be just to let yourself feel what you are feeling and to hold on to Jesus. I don't have a favorite way of remembering Hannah, I guess. She is always on my mind and in my heart. She is my daughter. I LOVE when other people remember her, though!

Maggie asked, "What was your wedding like?"
My wedding was wonderful! My husband and I got married outside in a place called Deep Cut Gardens. They even have a butterfly garden there. It truly is a beautiful place, so peaceful as we stood outside saying our vows in front of a beautiful pond. The reception was at a place called Jacques. The food was amazing and we just felt so blessed to be surrounded by all of our family! Everyone danced and had a great time!

(I really wish I had better pictures on my computer but I guess these are better than nothing!)

Sarita Boyette asked, "I admire your faith and I wanted to ask you when you became a Christian and what book of the Bible holds the most meaning for you?"
I have always been a Christian, but would have to say that losing Hannah redefined what that actually meant to me and it took on a whole new meaning. I thank her for this gift each day. I like the book of Job. Job was a righteous man, tempted and tried by the devil in all the worst ways. God did not cause these things to happen, He allowed them, and Job was blessed doubly in the end. I am by no means righteous and cannot even compare myself to Job, but I look forward to that beautiful blessing (Hannah) I will be holding in Heaven. I KNOW God is faithful.

Trisha asked, "Do you ever wonder why?"
All the time. When the why starts to get the best of me I just have to remember that God knows and understands things that are just impossible for me to. I just have to trust and know that when I am in Heaven all things will be made clear.

Amanda asked, "Is there any one person that knew just what to say or any one book/item that really helped you get through the tough times?"
There have been several people I could not have gone through this without. First, my husband. He is a rock in my eyes. He lets me crumble and holds me up through his own grief. My mom. She always remembers Hannah and loves her (almost) as much as I do. My Aunt Crystal. We never had a close relationship, but there she was, right when I needed her. She has become one of my best friends. She always remembers Hannah, is constant in reaffirming my faith and supporting me and is always doing something in Hannah's memory. I never expected to find some of my greatest support there, but surprisingly, I have. This community. No words are necessary to describe the love and support of so many in this community.

Holly asked, "Where are you usually at when you remember Hannah the most?"
Everytime I see a ladybug. Everytime I look out my window at her weeping cherry. Every night when I turn her curio light on and light her candle. When I say my prayers. Everytime I breathe. She is always on my mind.

 Nicole asked, "How do you stop the tears (from losing Hannah) when it feels like they will never end?"
I don't stop them. I pray for peace.

Antoinette asked, "HOW does your faith continue to grow even after all you have been through? Have you ever felt that "God" was against you like many of us have felt?"
Many, many times I have cried out to God---WHY? What have I done? Why did Hannah deserve this? Why couldn't you have taken me and let her live? WHY? So many times. I have felt like He was against me. "Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him". For me, there is no choice. God is my hope. My hope to see Hannah again. My hope to have mercy and peace to get through each day. My hope to grow and share His love and compassion with others. It grows because Jesus is my friend. He is always there to talk to. To cry to. To question and to wonder. God is ever faithful and HE NEVER CHANGES. He is the same God now that He was before I lost Hannah. I can depend on Him, lean on Him, rely on Him. How would I ever even get through this without Him?

Tough. Tough. Tough.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Post #98 + An Answer to 6 Questions!

Wow. You guys are asking some pretty tough (but interesting) questions! I am going to tackle the first six in this post!

Heather asked, "What is your fondest memory of your pregnancy with Hannah?"
This is a difficult question for me to answer. There are so many moments I sat there in absolute awe and joy of this precious soul. If I had to pick, I would choose her last ultrasound. Bobby waved to her and she was just dancing all over the place. That is the only "interaction" I have ever seen take place between my children and it was so sweet.

Andrea asked, "If you had to describe your spiritual walk with God in terms of ICE CREAM, what "flavor" would it be and why?"
Rocky Road? Again another tough one! I would say Rocky Road, though, because I am a sinner. I have clung to Him and run from Him. Hannah has given me a wonderful gift in the relationship I now have with the Father and I am hoping that the flavor selection changes to something more magnificent! He has always remained faithful to me despite all of my faults and insecurities and I praise Him for this everyday.

Jennifer asked, "What is one bible verse that has stood out to you during the last nine months?"
I like this question, and there are actually 2 verses I would pick.
          Job 13:15a---"Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him."
I felt God had slayed me. I felt He had cut me at the knees and allowed me to completely crumble, yet He is what I did and continue to hope in. Because of His promises and His son, I know I will see Hannah again for Eternity and that is where my hope will lie. The second verse is
          2 Corinthians 1:3-7---(The God of All Comfort) 3Praise be to the God and Father of our    Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
I have tried to offer comfort to others in my own healing. I think this community is an excellent example of this passing of God's love and comfort to eachother.

Melissa asked, "How did you decide on Hannah's name?"
I just liked it! If Bobby had been a girl instead of a boy, he would have been Hannah Katherine! I just think it is so beautiful. Her middle name was my Grandma's name.

The Blue Sparrow (Jennifer) asked, "What differences in yourself and your husband to you see now after loosing Hannah that weren't there before? Anything different in your personalities or daily life?"
I could probably spend an hour answering this question. I think I am barely recognizable from the person I was before. My faith is the main thing that has changed and has grown so much. My complete dependancy upon God. I used to care so much that the house was spic and apan and everything had a place---not so important anymore. I am definately changed. My husband is more reserved with how he is feeling, though I know it hurts him very deeply. I think we are both much more appreciative of what we do have. My daily life has taken on new routines, definately. I light Hannah's candle every night. I host this Bible Study on Pregnancy and Infant Loss now. I blog. I craft for other mommies. The list could go on and on.

Kat asked, "What about: how has your son handled the past nine months?"
Bobby was only 18 months old when we lost Hannah so I don't think that he has really had to "handle" that much. He has seen me cry many, many times. He began to actually comfort me---to rub my back and say, "Don't cry, Mommy. It's okay." He knows his sister's name and that she is in Heaven. He blows kisses to her curio cabinet filled with all her things and to her picture on the mantle. I want to say I am thankful that he doesn't truly understand or understand the grief, but that one day when he is older I will tell him the whole story of his sister in Heaven.

Thank you guys for all the great questions! I hope I have answered them well! The next post will be 99 and I'll finish them up and then on post 100 I'll give something away!

Monday, June 21, 2010

9 Months, 99 Followers, 97 Posts and A GIVEAWAY!

First. Nine Months. It seems like yesterday. It seems like a lifetime. I love you, Hannah. I miss you so very, very much. Your little butterfly lamp still burns. (Amazing. Same lightbulb I put in September 22. It still hasn't burned out. I have never turned it off). Every night your candle is still lit on the mantle. Always. You are very, very loved and very, very missed. My beautiful daughter, my blessing from Heaven.

I can't believe I have 99 followers. This is my 97th post. So, I am going to copy Melissa, who copied Maggie and have a little giveaway!

So here are the rules (courtesy of Melissa/Maggie). Simply leave a comment asking me any question you can think of to ask me. It can be about me, Hannah, before I had Hannah, Bobby, whatever it is, I'll answer. I'm giving you a chance to learn a little more about me and giving you an added bonus of winning a prize! I will pick a random person and announce the winner when I get to my 100th post (unless there are some really good questions---I might go over!). In the meantime, ask away and stay tuned for what you will win! Good luck!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Happy Father's Day.....

I didn't think he'd be sitting alone this year. (Well, he has his lady bug).

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Plus Sign

Sweet daughter,

One year ago today I fell to my knees in greatfulness, absolute joy and unending love. I still do that today. I am greatful for you. I am absolutely overjoyed you are my daughter. My love for you will never end. God gave me a true gift whe He gave me you.

Mommy loves you so very much.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A Trip to the ER

Once again just asking for prayers. Last night was rough for us. Here's the story.

Full Circle

Tomorrow, June 17, it will be one year since I welcomed your sweet little soul into my heart. That is the day I found out I was carrying you.

One year. For one year I have had the joy of knowing you, the sorrow of losing you came some weeks later. I remember taking the test. I remember kneeling on the bathroom floor and thanking God for you with every breath I had. I remember telling Bobby, just 15 months old, but so excited by his mother's joy and cried that he was going to be a big brother. I remember those tears of happiness that rolled down my cheeks.

How naive mommy was, Hannah. How naive to think that day meant I would be holding you 8 months later. How naive to just assume I'd keep you.

Not anymore.

My anxiety has been getting the best of me. The panic. The uneasiness. The inability to stay too long in one place but yet have that fear of moving.

I love you sweet Angel. I am blessed to have known you and to be your mom.

Father, please take this pain. Please take my worries, my anxiety, my fears. Please help me to remember that you are always in control and with you, I can deal with anything. Increase my faith, I pray, and help me to always glorify you through my life.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Please Pray

Please pray for Jace. Heartbreaking.

Friday, May 21, 2010

8 Months

8 Months. It seems like such a long time and such a short time, all at once.

Thank you, Hannah, for blessing my life with your beautiful soul. Thank you for the love you give. Thank you for being my daughter.

I miss you. I love you so very much. I know you are at peace. I know you are happy. I know you are taken care of and I know you are so very, very loved. You touch so many lives.

I woke up to a text message from Aunt Crystal in Texas. She and Uncle Raymond have donated to our local chapter of The Make a Wish Foundation. Some child in need will be blessed by you. And you know Grandma supports that little girl Emily in Mexico who has the very same birthday as you. She is in need and blessed because of you.

I am blessed because of you.

I love you little girl.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I wish I could vent and say exactly how I am feeling, but for now I just can't. I can't.

My mom bought me this beautiful box that says, "Don't lose Hope...When it gets darkest the stars come out." I have it sitting next to my computer and I have decided the absolute perfect use for it. Usually when I read your blogs I'll say a breath prayer for whatever need you appear to have at that time. From now on I will put it on paper and put it in my box. I have said before and I'll say again, I believe so strongly in the power of prayer, so I just thought I'd share with you that  know you are all going to end up in that box.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I'm tired. Everything I need to get done seems to be backed up by a few days and the "to-do" list keeps getting longer. (Hope my hubby doesn't run out of underwear from the piles of laundry building up). It's wedding season and I make invitations. I have 3 jobs going on right now. I had 3 Delivering Hope orders. (Thank you so much!) My house is a mess.....I have finally caught up on the Butterfly Mommies and gotten all the Bible Study info in order, though. But as I sit here and think of it all, I feel so blessed and so rich at the same time. What would I do and where would I be without this ministry?

I've been having nightmares. Well, I guess they aren't really nightmares because they really happened. My mind keeps taking me to the hardest parts of that day. The worst moments. Picturing my daughter and all that happened.......I wonder why. Why does my mind go there at night? Why do I wake up filled with that raw emotion? I wish I could just see her face and not the way she was treated. I wish I could just remember her heartbeat on the ultrasound instead of imagining it slowly stopping as I lay on that table. I wish so many things.

Sorry for venting, but thank you for listening. I have an emotional boulder sitting on top of me right now. I wish there was some easy way to release it and get rid of all this negativity. Please pray for me.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Routines and a Song

Last night I went to a free concert in Ocean Grove with my mom, dad and little Bobby. It was Tenth Avenue North. Before I lost Hannah I had never even heard of them, but then I heard this song. It just spoke to me so deeply. When they sang it last night, my eyes filled with tears and I struggled to fight them back. I looked at my mom and told her how much it reminds me of Hannah, of that very dark place where I felt so alone and so full of questions. Sometimes I even find myself back there these days, when I look at her picture too long or realize that the butterfly lamp I lit that day is still burning. Who would think a bulb would last so long? I realize all these rituals I perform for her on a daily basis and I guess I just have to accept that that is her part of my routine. It doesn't include bottles and diapers, it includes lighting her candle and kissing her urn.

I love you, little girl.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Another Rainbow

I have been wanting to share this news for a little while and now seems like the right time. I believe so greatly in the power of prayer and ask that you please lift us up as we travel this road again.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

I just wanted to wish each and every one of you a Happy Mother's Day. I remember thinking how this year it would no longer be just Bobby, but Hannah would be here, too. And yet while she is not here physically, I know she is in spirit. I know she is in my heart.

When Bobby and I got married in October of 2006, we bought the house he grew up in from his parents. We did a lot of renovations, including ripping the entire top off to replace it with 3 new bedrooms, a loft, a wonderful bathroom and even an upper deck! But anyway, we had a central air conditioning system placed both upstairs and downstairs in 2 zones. The men were here so much we became very friendly with them. They watched as I became pregnant with Bobby and each summer watched him grow a little more. Last summer, they watched as I became pregnant with Hannah and learned we were having a girl. Well, they had to come last week for a problem we were having with the upstairs unit. When Dan was leaving my husband Bobby came inside with tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong. He said Dan had said how big Bobby was getting and then said, "You have a daughter, too, don't you?" Yeah. We have a daughter, too. I think it caught him off guard as he had to explain what happened. I think sometimes I forget the pain that sits on his heart as well. I am the one always asked how I am doing. I am usually the one found explaining our loss of our beautiful girl. That was a reminder to me to try to not wrap myself in my grief alone, but to share that blanket with him. It brought me a great sadness, too. Every year for Father's Day since Bobby has been born, I take his picture with a sign to put in Bobby's card. What do I do for him this year?



Monday, May 3, 2010

May 2, 2010

What an amazing day yesterday was. First, I hope everyone had a wonderful Babylost Mother's Day! I thought of all our babies looking down from the clouds, loving their mothers and wishing us joy! It was a beautiful day!

I also want to thank all of you who listened and participated in our first Radio Show! Kristie and I were amazed at the outpouring and Carly was awesome! It is amazing to be used as a part of God's plan! I am so looking forward to next Sunday and all the weeks to come to do it all again! We put together a blog for the show with the links and links to past shows so if you missed yesterday you might want to go check it out-----HERE. Thank you again, guys---I am so grateful for each and every one of you!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Veil

I haven't had that much to say. I am here.

I was looking at Bobby's baby picture this morning. What a beautiful baby he was, and now a handsome little man. Makes my heart twinge with hurt, with sadness, at the things I'll miss.

I visited the Children's Memorial Garden the other day. The flowers are starting to bloom and Bobby picked one for his sister. Makes my heart twinge with hurt, with sadness, at the things he will miss.

I think about all the walks Bobby and I have taken around this neighborhood, watching him sleep, not believing he was mine. I will never take a walk with Hannah around this neighborhood. She is not here, and sometimes it is hard to believe she ever was mine. Makes my heart twinge with hurt, with sadness, at the things she will miss.

It is not a raw pain that follows me around each day. It is a melancholy veil that sits atop my life. Sometimes the wind blows it high enough to see from underneath and sometimes it just drapes over your soul.

I love you, beautiful girl.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

International Babylost Mother's Day (PLUS) a Radio Show!

How exciting is this?! Carly Dudley, founder of International Babylost Mother's Day, is going to interview with us live for our first official Radio Show-----ON May 2, International Babylost Mother's Day! Awesome, right?

The show begins at 5pm Eastern on Sunday, May 2. We will be hosting 3 separate giveaways including a "Pampered Mom" Gift Basket, a Custom Shdow Box and a Surprise Store-Bought Item! It is a day to honor ALL moms and ALL children and we hope you will join us! You can listen, chat or even call in! To visit our BlogTalk Radio page CLICK HERE. Bookmark this link because this is how you will arrive at the show next Sunday!

For automatic updates on all of our upcoming shows and topics, friend Anchored By Hope on Facebook!

Thank You.....

I just want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and prayers. My SIL has been moved from ICU, is off of dialysis, and her recovery is appearing nothing short of a miracle.

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them. Matthew 18:20

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Prayers Needed

Today started as any other day but is falling apart rapidly.

Last night my sister-in-law took a very large quantity of various prescriptions. She is in the hospital right now, unconscious, being assisted in her breathing, on dialysis because her kidneys are failing. My husband lost a sister suddenly a little over 3 years ago. The family doesn't need to go through this again. She really needs a lot of love, support and many, many prayers right now.

There are a few other matters that I really can't put out there, but could really use your prayers. God knows our needs and our hearts. He knows the outcomes and how He will carry us each through. Please just lift us up to Him. Please lift up my sister-in-law.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

7 Months Without Her, An Award and Many Thank Yous.....

This I am sure is going to be a long one.

Today marks 7 months since I lost my Hannah. I miss her and love her so very, very much. I also thank her and thank God for the many blessings she has brought into my life. Since today is her day I decided to deliver some boxes, blankets and hats to the hospital. It always feels good to do something in her name. I hope and pray that through these things her life will be a blessing to others as well.

I also wanted to post a couple of pictures of her tree. My mom bought the beautiful garden stone for her.

Next I want to thank Antoinette at Butterfly Kisses to my Angel Alyssa Marie for nominating me for this blog award! She is incredibly sweet and caring. I am also posting two beautiful pictures she sent me. Thank you so much, Antoinette!

Rules of the award.....

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. List who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog.
3. List 10 things that make you happy.
4. Pass the award on to other bloggers and visit their blog to let them know about the award.

Ok. 10 things that make me happy.

1. God
2. My family (ALL of them, especially my babies)
3. My dogs (most of the time!) Sophie the Schnauzer and Scooter aka Henry the Yorkie
4. Making other people happy
5. People remembering Hannah
6. Thursday nights with my girls :)
7. My Blog :)
8. Finishing a LONG list of projects!
9. Warm Delights (You know, that microwaveable dessert from Betty Crocker?)
10. Shopping (especially at Michaels, but that usually adds to NOT getting #8 done)

I could pass this award onto a VERY long list of people. There are so many women who inspire me on a daily basis--whether with their words or through their actions. I really would pass this on to ALL of you so if you want it, GRAB IT!

I also have a couple of long overdue Easter Thank Yous!

Thank you, Michelle!

Thank you, Lisette!

Hannah, you have blessed me so very much. You have given me more than I could imagine and have taught me so many things. One day I know we will be together again. I love you!

Monday, April 19, 2010

April 19, 2010

Remembering sweet Julia Rose today and thinking of my dear friend, Andrea.

Saturday, April 17, 2010


I keep having flashbacks.

Flashbacks to last spring, when I found out I was pregnant with Hannah. I remembering sitting out back with Bobby on a beautiful spring day talking to my Grandma and asking her to please pray for a brother or sister for him. I remember one month later reading the word "pregnant" on that test. I remember thanking God, falling to my knees with joy. Crying because I felt so blessed.

I remember dreaming for her, of her. I couldn't wait. I had my husband paint the bigger bedroom for Bobby. We bought him big boy furniture. I began working on his transition. Now the nursery sits behind a closed door collecting dust.

I had her for a summer. A little of spring, but the entire summer. What I wouldn't give to have some of those moments again. To tell her how much I love her. I remember dreaming of what this summer would be like with her here. I only know how it is going to be without her.

I keep having flashbacks.

September 21. The last day of summer, literally. September 21. The day my sweet daughter was born.

The autumn began my fall.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Today was one of those days.

I was peaceful to a certain extent, but that bitterness was all along my edges like an old piece of paper falling apart. Does that even make sense? Well, today was one of those days.

I locked that door to keep out the why me's and what if's. I guess they can still come knocking. At least I don't have to answer. At least we are separated by a piece of wood and a peephole. Problem is I can still hear them.

I wonder what she's doing right now. How I wish I could hold her. How I wish for just one moment where our eyes connect and I tell her how very much I love her. How I wish so many things that will never be.

Not here.

Today was just one of those days.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Radio Show TEST Run!

Kristie and I are VERY excited to be testing out our new Radio Show on Sunday at 5pm Eastern. We would love for you all to come listen and interact wit us as we learn to use the switchboard and chatroom. It's EASY! You can participate in several ways. You can just listen. You can call in. You can chat with me and other moms in the chat room. You can either create a Blog Talk Radio username or even log in using your Facebook account. We could really use your support as we test this out. and share our stories with each other. To go to our show CLICK HERE. (Remember it's Sunday, April 11 at 5pm Eastern) Thank you guys for all of your support!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Anchored by Hope: Summer Session

We are currently signing women up for the Summer Session of our Online Bible Study beginning May 13. If you or someone you know is interested please contact either Kristie ( or I ( for more information, or you can check out our website at HERE. For those of you who have taken it or are currently taking it, please share with those you believe would benefit. Thanks!

Monday, April 5, 2010

In bloom

Hannah's tree bloomed today. Perfect little pink flowers.

It made me happy.

It made me sad.

All I have to watch bloom. All I have to watch grow, is a tree.

I have been busy in my life and in my mind. It's kept me from swimming in my sorrow. Most days I just wade on the shore. I wonder if she is watching me beyond that horizon.

I know if I'd never been placed on this particular shore, I wouldn't have found some of the beautiful things I have. Still I can't help but wonder.

I guess I'll just have to watch the beautiful blooms of the weeping cherry and imagine her warmth is what makes it grow.

Happy Easter

Sitting in church seeing all the little girls and babies dressed in their Easter dresses, bonnets and frills. I miss you a lot today. I miss what you could be. I miss what I feel you should be.

Thank you Jesus for giving your life for my sins. That is my hope. This gift He has given to see you again, though I am undeserving of His grace and His mercy.

I imagine God must have wept terribly for His son.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter

Sitting in church seeing all the little girls and babies dressed in their Easter dresses, bonnets and frills. I miss you a lot today. I miss what you could be. I miss what I feel you should be.

Thank you Jesus for giving your life for my sins. That is my hope. This gift He has given to see you again, though I am undeserving of His grace and His mercy.

I imagine God must have wept terribly for His son.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

April Giveaway

Only a few more hours until the Butterfly Mommies April Giveaway is closed! Be sure to link up & enter

Monday, March 29, 2010

2 Years Old

I can't believe that Bobby will be 2 tomorrow. He is growing up so fast! We had his birthday party yesterday (Sesame Street) and I just thought I'd share a picture. He had such a good time and I just feel so blessed and thankful to have him as my son. Happy Birthday, Baby Boy!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Compassion and Healing.....

Matthew 4:23-25

Jesus Heals the Sick

23Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. 24News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them. 25Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him.

Matthew 9:35-36

The Workers Are Few

35Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. 36When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.

I was sick. I had an infection. It caused me to deliver my daughter much, much too soon. I cried out to Jesus. I prayed for healing. I prayed for my daughter.

I begged for compassion.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless...

He had compassion on them.

Jesus healed many in his days on earth. He has healed many from Heaven, having compassion on them. I have wondered often why He did not have compassion for me, compassion for my daughter. I wonder what He knows that I do not. What makes this a right part of His plan? What makes this worth the sacrafice? What makes this worth my daughter's life? What makes this worth losing part of my heart?

I wonder.

Jesus could have healed me, too. He just chose not to.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I Get Along Without You Very Well

I had this song in my head all day yesterday, and not because I heard it or anything. I sang it in chorus in the 7th grade. I think that was the last time I heard it. But it was in my head. It was making me think of Hannah.

I get along without you very well
Of course I do
Except when soft rains fall
And drip from leaves, then I recall
The thrill of being sheltered in your arms
Of course, I do
But I get along without you very well

I've forgotten you just like I should
Of course I have
Except to hear your name
Or someone's laugh that is the same
But I've forgotten you just like I should

What a guy, what a fool am I
To think my breaking heart could kid the moon
What's in store? Should I phone once more?
No, it's best that I stick to my tune

I get along without you very well
Of course I do
Except perhaps in spring
But I should never think of spring
For that would surely break my heart in two.

Not that the song necessarily applies, but as I went about my day I felt an emptiness. I thought of others with their children in their arms. I hurt for my family. I hurt for my daughter and thought of how I really do get along.

Not very well.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Dear Hannah.....

If words are carried on the breeze,
I hear you.
If love rustles through the leaves,
I feel you.
If life exists within a human heart,
I know you,
I know,
we never are apart.

If hope became tangible
and caught my eye,
With faith not abandoned
I could fly.
I would see you running
your smile wide and bright.
I would tell you I love you
I would no longer fight
to have you as I would
to instead let you go
to send you to Heaven
while I stay below.
It's hardest, it hurts
when each day ends
yet each day gone
and the next begins
and this brings me closer
to the light in your smile
I love you
I miss you
I'll be there in a while.

Love, Mommy

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Six Months

Happy 6 Months in Heaven, sweet, beautiful girl. I love you. I miss you.


Monday, March 15, 2010


I don't know what it is about today, but I am sad. Not angry, bitter, envious, resentful.....sad. Maybe it's the three plus days of rain. Maybe it's just that my heart is swollen again with grief. I don't know. I just know I feel this melancholy blanket hanging over me. I feel the tears welling up. I see them blinding my sight and joining the rain.

I think right now I have just lost sight of that hope. It is patiently sitting on the other side of the giant obstacles I see before me. They are overwhelming and crushing.

I wonder what you are doing, sweet girl. I wonder who you are. I wonder why right at this moment I can't be cradling you in my arms. Bobby is sleeping. I see his chest rising and falling. I hear his breath. God what I would give to watch you sleeping. To see your chest rise and fall. To hear your breath. I love you. I love you so much.

I wonder sometimes why it has to be so hard. Please. Take this weight. Clear this path a little for me. I feel like I am drowning.

Saturday, March 13, 2010


I have copied my post from Pray Date today below because I just feel it has such an incredibly powerful message for each of us, especially those of us who often flail our arms about just trying to grasp the hope we know is there. I hope it will affect just one of you the way it has me.

Matthew 14:25-33

25 About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”

27 But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”

28 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

29 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

31 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

32 When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. 33 Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

I came across these passages the other day going through my "Read the Bible in a Year" program. Now, I have read this story before, quite a few times. I looked at it much differently this time and it has stuck with me. I really felt like I wanted to share this. I am sure it is no profound revelation I have found. In fact, it seems the obvious translation but just never spoke to me before as it does now.

When Peter BELIEVED he could walk on water, he DID. When he began to DOUBT Jesus (when he began to fear the storm), he SANK. Wow. What am I preventing the Lord from doing in my life by not believing He can do it?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Good Measure

Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  Luke 6:38

This verse was the "theme" verse in one of my daily devotionals yesterday. Powerful, isn't it? It really allowed me to think of the many things that have been given to me since losing Hannah, both physically and spiritually. Each person who finds themself just reading this very sentence has given me something and I am so humbled to be the recipient of these gifts. I hope in many ways I will be able to return these gifts to others and to offer a "good measure" to another soul.

Have you ever read the definition of altruism, especially when used as a coping mechanism?

"Altruism and other pro-social action may seem rather strange as a 'coping' behavior. According to the dictionary it is 'unselfish concern for the welfare of others'. Yet beneath the surface we all have our ills and seek to cope with them as best we can. If we have strong values about being unselfish and putting others first, altruism is a perfect mechanism for avoiding, and perhaps even curing our own problems.

Direct altruism may be found when a person seeks to help others with the same problem that the person has, thus seeking an indirect way of effecting a direct cure on oneself. Altruism may also be less direct and aimed at helping others in a range of circumstances. This may appear when the more direct approach would still be too painful."

I think so many of us in this community have used this coping behavior from time to time, or even recurrently, as a means of trying to heal our own healing others. I know I have, and it has truly been a blessing in return. That is what makes this such a wonderful and compassionate community of women. I am humbled and appreciative to have found so many of you and the friendship and support each offers.

I guess my point in all of this is thank you. God always hears our prayers. He knows our hearts. He sends us others and sends us to others. He measures using the same measure with which you measure, so I KNOW His plan is wonderful and full of blessings for each of us. Count these blessings that have come from our babies.

Who better to softly bind up the wound of one, than he who has suffered the same wound himself? Thomas Jefferson

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Feeling the LOVE!

I have to say I feel truly blessed to have made some really wonderful friends along this journey and I just want to say thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

Remember my Labybug story? I received this in the mail from sweet Andrea at Julia, Our Christmas Angel. It is my story, decorated beautifully on sky blue paper with overlaying clouds and ladybugs. Thank you so much, Andrea. I LOVE it!

Another sweet friend Andrea over at Life, Love & Persuit of our Fairytale, after reading of my difficulties on Faith and a Rainbow, sent me a "pamper package"--- and boy do I need it! What a great surprise! Thank you so much, Andrea!

And can you believe I got the Beautiful Blogger Award again?! This time from Lauren over at Jonathan's Journey. Thank you so much, Lauren! I wanted to officially post a thank you but I think I'll wait a little bit to pass it on again as I just did that recently!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Sharing Positivity

The question of "what positive things have come from the loss of your baby(ies)?" is what we are asking on the Butterfly Mommies Giveaway. It's a tough one. How do empty arms and broken hearts ever come to symbolize positivity?

My daughter has blessed me in so many ways. She has given me strengthened relationships, new friendships, compassion and love. She has pulled me towards the Heavens into the arms of Jesus. She has shown me the way to Eternal life, essentially. My relationship with the Lord no longer exists solely on the surface, but deep within my heart and soul.

Hannah is a wonderful blessing.

I have been looking back a lot lately at events in my life. I've been trying to look for God in so many of them---and have suprisingly found Him. But that is no surprise at all. I was thinking about my first miscarriage. Was it God asking me to just trust His timing? I had suffered from infertility for years and was planning on going the RE route again. Was he telling me to wait? I did. Then I had Bobby. After Bobby came Hannah. The list of blessings received from her can fill an entire notebook, I am sure. But what about my rainbow, I thought. Why did I have to lose that baby too? Perhaps He is telling me not yet. It is possible. I hear you. But not yet. Not like this.

And those beautiful souls ascended to Heaven to never suffer, never cry, never hurt or feel pain. That in itself is a positive, though it causes us so much pain.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

New Directions & Giveaways

As many of you may know, Kristie and I have begun the wonderful venture together of Anchored by Hope. This is an Online Bible Study and Christian support ministry for those suffering from pregnancy and infant loss. We have also started a networking blog to connect us mommies with babies in Heaven called Butterfly Mommies. Well, we need some support!

The Anchored by Hope blog is currently hosting a giveaway as is the Butterfly Mommies blog. Please go check them out and if you feel so inclined, please follow them! Thank you so much for all of your support as we begin down this new path!

To learn more about the Anchored by Hope ministry you can visit our website at

Monday, February 22, 2010


I am having a hard time. I imagine all that I am missing in that alter world that never played out. The one that took an abrupt turn in the opposite direction on September 21, 2009. The one that left me so empty. Sad. Desparate. Alone.

Looking to God for guidance has been the only thing getting me through. His grace has been the only thing getting me through. His mercy has been the only thing getting me through. You know, where He stops that boulder from completely rolling over you. You just sit staring at it everyday instead. Wondering when it will resume its motion and completely crush you.


I am so confused. I am lost right now.

oh and this too.....(click here)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Beautiful Blogger Award!

I've been nominated for the the Beautiful Blogger Award! Thank you Mattie at Creative Joy for nominating me! I would nominate you right back as I love reading your beautiful posts!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

:: Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
:: Copy the award and place it in your blog.
:: Link the person who nominated you for this award.
:: Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
:: Nominate 7 bloggers.
:: Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

So 7 really exciting, super interesting, fascinating, things about me.

1. When I was a child, I wanted to be an English teacher and a writer. As a "grown-up", I am a graphic artist and Hannah has re-ignited my love for writing. (Thanks baby girl!)

2. I have 2 butterfly tattoos. They are both cover-ups of tattoos I let me older brother give me with a homemade tattoo gun at the age of 14. (Sorry mom!)

3. I LOVE to decorate!

4. I am addicted to Reality TV, but mostly The Bachelor, Survivor and Big Brother.

5. My husband used to be my boss (at work) and now I am his (at home).

6. My favorite color is green.

7. I adore my children. (Love you Baba and Hanni! xxxooo)

Now for my nominations! Drumroll, please........

5. Karen at Gott Joy!

I have to say I had a difficult time picking just these 7 because I am inspired in a different way by each and every one of the blogs I read! Thanks again, Mattie! It means so much to me!

5 Months

Happy 5 Months in Heaven, sweet Hannah. You are the most beautiful little girl I know. God surely gave you a heart of gold as I watch the lives you are touching. I am so proud of you. I am so thankful to be your mom. I love you and miss you so very, very much.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Day You Were Due.....

I waited until the end of this long day to post a sort-of photo collage of the things we did today, my husband, little Bobby and I. Most of all I just missed her. I missed Hannah so much and felt that empty ache without her. I felt that absolute no as to having her in my arms. It is real. It is not a dream. It will never change as long as there is breath in me.....we will be apart. So I spent today with the family I do have here on earth and remembered and loved and missed that sweet little girl I have in Heaven.

My friend Renata gave me a gift on Saturday. She is away on vacation, but I told her I was going to wait until today to open it. It made my heart feel good and my eyes well up with tears to read my daughter's name and to read what she had written to me. It feels so good when someone else remembers the one that never leaves your mind. Thank you, Renata. It is a beautiful bracelet with pink stone hearts and Hannah's name on the silver heart near the clasp.

Then a knock at the door.......

All white flowers surrounding a single, beautiful pink rose. Thank you, Mom. I don't know what I would do without you and the love you show for my daughter. The wonderful ways you remember her and remind me that you do. I love you. She also wrote me a beautiful poem in an email about Hannah. Now I have never read or heard of my mother writing poetry. It was beautiful, about a beautiful rose in Heaven in a field of wildflowers. (Maybe if she lets me I'll share it.)

Oh, and Bobby picked a flower out of the bunch to bring to his little sister's stone.....

We then went down to visit Hannah's stone in the Children's Memorial Garden. This would be my husband's first time there and I was excited for him to see it. As I was about to turn onto the entrance road the thought occurred to me that maybe they hadn't shoveled the path. What if it was covered in snow? And it was. I marked the spot where I thought her stone might be and my husband started removing the snow. It was the exact spot where her stone was. How amazing. We left her flower there for her and told her how much we love and miss her.

The rest of the day we spent together. We went to McDonald's for lunch and then to the Aquarium in Camden. It was really nice. Bobby got a penguin stuffed animal in the gift shop and we bought Hannah a keychain with her name on it. After that we went to Olive Garden for dinner and then to the mall where we bought a special new candleholder and angel for Hannah. The angel is called "Loving Angel" and the candleholder is called "Love Notes; the Spirit of Love." She is love and she is loved.

You can't see the angel or candleholder too well in this picture but I just wanted to show the beautiful candles that sit atop my mantle burning for her tonight. The one on the left I have burned every night since the day i lost her.

I searched the sky all day. I hoped and prayed for some comfort, to just see some sign of her love and happiness. I have faith so I already KNOW these things, but I am human and today much weaker than usual. I saw this heart in the clouds today.

I know it was from her.

I would also like to thank a few other very special people for making this day and this week...and this journey, for that matter, a little easier.

Tina at Living without Sophia and Ellie made me this beautiful necklace. I'll quote her note so you see the thought and love she put into it, "It is a bit of a collage...I included a disc with Hannah's name and birthstone, an enamel ladybug, a pendant for Bobby, a heart with "HOPE" for the work you do with Anchored by Hope and Delivering Hope, and a pair of angel wings for the babies you miscarried." I cried when I saw it. Thank you, Tina, so much.

I also received a package from my aunt in Texas. It contained some yarn donated from another mom missing her baby, some Valentines and presents for Bobby, a card for Hannah and I...and just I, a prayer journal (love it) and an angel, specifically an angel entitled "Spirit of Giving; Generosity is your shining gift." I LOVE that she thinks of Hannah this way and hope other people do, too. Thank you, Crystal. It means so much to me.

And last but CERTAINLY not least, thank you, Nan from The Reiber's-Remembering our Triplet Angels, for remembering Hannah today.


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