I keep having flashbacks.
Flashbacks to last spring, when I found out I was pregnant with Hannah. I remembering sitting out back with Bobby on a beautiful spring day talking to my Grandma and asking her to please pray for a brother or sister for him. I remember one month later reading the word "pregnant" on that test. I remember thanking God, falling to my knees with joy. Crying because I felt so blessed.
I remember dreaming for her, of her. I couldn't wait. I had my husband paint the bigger bedroom for Bobby. We bought him big boy furniture. I began working on his transition. Now the nursery sits behind a closed door collecting dust.
I had her for a summer. A little of spring, but the entire summer. What I wouldn't give to have some of those moments again. To tell her how much I love her. I remember dreaming of what this summer would be like with her here. I only know how it is going to be without her.
I keep having flashbacks.
September 21. The last day of summer, literally. September 21. The day my sweet daughter was born.
The autumn began my fall.
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I have flashbacks all the time. Sometimes they bring me joy and other times they make me sad. What a special summer you had. One that you got to spend with Hannah. xo
ReplyDeleteI have flashbacks all the time as well. Your post reminded me of last summer. I have thought before that I got to spend the summer with Jack as well and it was such a great summer. I wish we all had more than memories.
ReplyDeleteme too...... i call them my "this time last year" moments.... sigh :(
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Yep...me too...and I hate it, most of the time, because they are still so hard to accept as the 'lasts'...earlier today, I wrote to a friend about how 20 weeks ago today, Matthew was still with me, healthy and happy...I flashback going to the hospital and not having a clue...just can't escape the memories and how much they still sting.
ReplyDeleteLoving and lifting you daily, friend! xoxo
These flashbacks are our memories. We didn't get a lifetime of memories with them, but we did get some. And those are precious. Hannah knows how much you love her! I believe that with all of my heart! Praying that God will lift you up like only He can!
ReplyDeletexoxo
I too have flashbacks to those happier times. It is so weird, because sometimes it doesn't really feel like all the bad things happened...I wish they hadn't for any of us. Thinking of you. xx
ReplyDeleteKaty, I feel the same way about summer. I found out i was pregnant on 7/19 and my bday is 8/25 and i remember being so happy that i would be pregnant for my birthday last summer and this summer would have a gorgeous baby...LIFE didnt plan with me. It had other plans for all of us. Now I get flashbacks to last years' happiness and this years depression...its amazing how from one season to the next these babies have changed out lives. Hannah is so lucky to have such a caring mother. You are special to her, and to me too....thinking of you ((hugs))
ReplyDeletego to my post today 4/18 i have something for you :)
words escape me but I want you to know im praying for you right now. hugs Crys
ReplyDeleteI too look back and think of where we should be...a life full of JOY and not one filled with grief and struggle. However, I'm learning through the pain and trying to be a FAITHFUL servant.
ReplyDeleteLifting you up now and always,
xoxo
Hi..
ReplyDeleteI have just read your story. I am sorry just doesnt seem enough. We have sooo many simularities regarding losing our precious girls. pls email me if you like babyangel271209@hotmail.co.uk
regarding flashbacks, that is all my life seems to consist of right now, and this week i would have been.... oh and if Angel was here....
wishing you peaceful days x
I just read your post Katy. I am having flashbacks too. Sending you hugs. Praying for you. xoxo Renata
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. praying for you and your family xoxo
ReplyDeleteSo sorry..I refer to them as before "when I was happy" and after..I know exactly how you feel..I keep thinking that I should be really excited about having her soon and all of the fun that goes with a newborn, but instead I am sitting here all "alone" with a flat stomach just remembering what it was like before she gained wings..sending hugs..
ReplyDeleteMe too. I can't help it. My pregnancy was so short but, like you and your Hannah, I had both my girls for one whole summer. I hope that you can hold on to those happy memories of the summer you spent with your daughter. x
ReplyDelete