Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Please Pray

Please pray for a very sweet friend of mine. I can't disclose name or situation, but God knows who she is. He knows her needs. He knows and has the power to heal. Please pray.

Post #100 + MORE Questions + the Winner is.....

Post #100! Yay! Now for the last of the questions and then to announce the winners as picked by my handsome 2 year old assistant!

Belle asked, "How do prepare yourself for the eventual hard questions that you'll get from your son one day? What do you think you'll say?"
I don't think I can prepare, I will just answer them as gently and honestly as I can. I won't give him more than he can handle. I am sure I will know what is right when the time comes. As far as what I'll say, I'll tell him all about his beautiful little sister. Whatever he wants to know.

Mattie asked, "What book has been the most helpful to you in your grief process?"
Easy one. The Bible. I know many women immerse themselves in books. While I have always loved to read, I have not done this. I have read 2 books about grief in the past 9 months, and finished both recently. The first was "Hearing Jesus Speak in yoour Sorrow" by Nancy Guthrie. Wonderful, wonderful book. The second was given to me by a sweet friend, "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. All I can say to this book is WOW. I HIGHLY recommend. HIGHLY. It was wonderful and she is a beautiful living example of God's grace.

Lisette asked, "What word would you use to describe grief?
Hmmmm. Tough one. If I had to pick one word I would say constant. Not constantly the same, but constant. It is this new "thing" that walks with me through life now.

Andrea asked, "What value in your life has strengthened or changed the most since Hannah was born?"
I don't know that my values have changed so much, but I am much more passionate about many things. I think the characteristic that has come out most in me is compassion. I've said before, I feel like I suffer from altruism (the desire the help someone else in the same situation as yourself as a means of helping yourself). I value life in general more, including that of strangers and many women I do not know. I guess losing Hannah has given me a purpose and a mission in my life.

Thank you all for participating and for all the great questions! It's been fun (and difficult) to answer them all! Now the winners.......(Bobby picked 2 because he likes that number!)

Shandrea and Jennifer (The Blue Sparrow)

Yay! Congratulations! You both have a choice of your prize which you can email me your choice along with your address to


A Blessing Ring (let me know what color/theme if you pick this) or a Memorial Plaque (scripture quoted is Jeremiah 1:5)

Congratulations guys and thank you all for playing along!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Post #99 + Some More Answers!

Ok! Last chance to ask me a question before I end this Giveaway! Here are my answers to the next group of (9) VERY difficult questions!

Shandrea asked, "How has your faith changed from the time you were pregnant with Hannah to today?"
My faith has grown tremendously. Before I lost Hannah I don't even know that I KNEW the true meaning of faith. I've been through some incredibly difficult things in my life but never one where I had the cling to God just to survive each day. I get that now. I have a new understanding of what having a relationship with God truly means.

Crystal asked, "If you could give one piece of advice to another mother who is just beginning this journey what would it be?" and "What is your favorite way to remember Hannah? and why?"
My advice would be just to let yourself feel what you are feeling and to hold on to Jesus. I don't have a favorite way of remembering Hannah, I guess. She is always on my mind and in my heart. She is my daughter. I LOVE when other people remember her, though!

Maggie asked, "What was your wedding like?"
My wedding was wonderful! My husband and I got married outside in a place called Deep Cut Gardens. They even have a butterfly garden there. It truly is a beautiful place, so peaceful as we stood outside saying our vows in front of a beautiful pond. The reception was at a place called Jacques. The food was amazing and we just felt so blessed to be surrounded by all of our family! Everyone danced and had a great time!

(I really wish I had better pictures on my computer but I guess these are better than nothing!)

Sarita Boyette asked, "I admire your faith and I wanted to ask you when you became a Christian and what book of the Bible holds the most meaning for you?"
I have always been a Christian, but would have to say that losing Hannah redefined what that actually meant to me and it took on a whole new meaning. I thank her for this gift each day. I like the book of Job. Job was a righteous man, tempted and tried by the devil in all the worst ways. God did not cause these things to happen, He allowed them, and Job was blessed doubly in the end. I am by no means righteous and cannot even compare myself to Job, but I look forward to that beautiful blessing (Hannah) I will be holding in Heaven. I KNOW God is faithful.

Trisha asked, "Do you ever wonder why?"
All the time. When the why starts to get the best of me I just have to remember that God knows and understands things that are just impossible for me to. I just have to trust and know that when I am in Heaven all things will be made clear.

Amanda asked, "Is there any one person that knew just what to say or any one book/item that really helped you get through the tough times?"
There have been several people I could not have gone through this without. First, my husband. He is a rock in my eyes. He lets me crumble and holds me up through his own grief. My mom. She always remembers Hannah and loves her (almost) as much as I do. My Aunt Crystal. We never had a close relationship, but there she was, right when I needed her. She has become one of my best friends. She always remembers Hannah, is constant in reaffirming my faith and supporting me and is always doing something in Hannah's memory. I never expected to find some of my greatest support there, but surprisingly, I have. This community. No words are necessary to describe the love and support of so many in this community.

Holly asked, "Where are you usually at when you remember Hannah the most?"
Everytime I see a ladybug. Everytime I look out my window at her weeping cherry. Every night when I turn her curio light on and light her candle. When I say my prayers. Everytime I breathe. She is always on my mind.

 Nicole asked, "How do you stop the tears (from losing Hannah) when it feels like they will never end?"
I don't stop them. I pray for peace.

Antoinette asked, "HOW does your faith continue to grow even after all you have been through? Have you ever felt that "God" was against you like many of us have felt?"
Many, many times I have cried out to God---WHY? What have I done? Why did Hannah deserve this? Why couldn't you have taken me and let her live? WHY? So many times. I have felt like He was against me. "Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him". For me, there is no choice. God is my hope. My hope to see Hannah again. My hope to have mercy and peace to get through each day. My hope to grow and share His love and compassion with others. It grows because Jesus is my friend. He is always there to talk to. To cry to. To question and to wonder. God is ever faithful and HE NEVER CHANGES. He is the same God now that He was before I lost Hannah. I can depend on Him, lean on Him, rely on Him. How would I ever even get through this without Him?

Tough. Tough. Tough.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Post #98 + An Answer to 6 Questions!

Wow. You guys are asking some pretty tough (but interesting) questions! I am going to tackle the first six in this post!

Heather asked, "What is your fondest memory of your pregnancy with Hannah?"
This is a difficult question for me to answer. There are so many moments I sat there in absolute awe and joy of this precious soul. If I had to pick, I would choose her last ultrasound. Bobby waved to her and she was just dancing all over the place. That is the only "interaction" I have ever seen take place between my children and it was so sweet.

Andrea asked, "If you had to describe your spiritual walk with God in terms of ICE CREAM, what "flavor" would it be and why?"
Rocky Road? Again another tough one! I would say Rocky Road, though, because I am a sinner. I have clung to Him and run from Him. Hannah has given me a wonderful gift in the relationship I now have with the Father and I am hoping that the flavor selection changes to something more magnificent! He has always remained faithful to me despite all of my faults and insecurities and I praise Him for this everyday.

Jennifer asked, "What is one bible verse that has stood out to you during the last nine months?"
I like this question, and there are actually 2 verses I would pick.
          Job 13:15a---"Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him."
I felt God had slayed me. I felt He had cut me at the knees and allowed me to completely crumble, yet He is what I did and continue to hope in. Because of His promises and His son, I know I will see Hannah again for Eternity and that is where my hope will lie. The second verse is
          2 Corinthians 1:3-7---(The God of All Comfort) 3Praise be to the God and Father of our    Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
I have tried to offer comfort to others in my own healing. I think this community is an excellent example of this passing of God's love and comfort to eachother.

Melissa asked, "How did you decide on Hannah's name?"
I just liked it! If Bobby had been a girl instead of a boy, he would have been Hannah Katherine! I just think it is so beautiful. Her middle name was my Grandma's name.

The Blue Sparrow (Jennifer) asked, "What differences in yourself and your husband to you see now after loosing Hannah that weren't there before? Anything different in your personalities or daily life?"
I could probably spend an hour answering this question. I think I am barely recognizable from the person I was before. My faith is the main thing that has changed and has grown so much. My complete dependancy upon God. I used to care so much that the house was spic and apan and everything had a place---not so important anymore. I am definately changed. My husband is more reserved with how he is feeling, though I know it hurts him very deeply. I think we are both much more appreciative of what we do have. My daily life has taken on new routines, definately. I light Hannah's candle every night. I host this Bible Study on Pregnancy and Infant Loss now. I blog. I craft for other mommies. The list could go on and on.

Kat asked, "What about: how has your son handled the past nine months?"
Bobby was only 18 months old when we lost Hannah so I don't think that he has really had to "handle" that much. He has seen me cry many, many times. He began to actually comfort me---to rub my back and say, "Don't cry, Mommy. It's okay." He knows his sister's name and that she is in Heaven. He blows kisses to her curio cabinet filled with all her things and to her picture on the mantle. I want to say I am thankful that he doesn't truly understand or understand the grief, but that one day when he is older I will tell him the whole story of his sister in Heaven.

Thank you guys for all the great questions! I hope I have answered them well! The next post will be 99 and I'll finish them up and then on post 100 I'll give something away!

Monday, June 21, 2010

9 Months, 99 Followers, 97 Posts and A GIVEAWAY!

First. Nine Months. It seems like yesterday. It seems like a lifetime. I love you, Hannah. I miss you so very, very much. Your little butterfly lamp still burns. (Amazing. Same lightbulb I put in September 22. It still hasn't burned out. I have never turned it off). Every night your candle is still lit on the mantle. Always. You are very, very loved and very, very missed. My beautiful daughter, my blessing from Heaven.

I can't believe I have 99 followers. This is my 97th post. So, I am going to copy Melissa, who copied Maggie and have a little giveaway!

So here are the rules (courtesy of Melissa/Maggie). Simply leave a comment asking me any question you can think of to ask me. It can be about me, Hannah, before I had Hannah, Bobby, whatever it is, I'll answer. I'm giving you a chance to learn a little more about me and giving you an added bonus of winning a prize! I will pick a random person and announce the winner when I get to my 100th post (unless there are some really good questions---I might go over!). In the meantime, ask away and stay tuned for what you will win! Good luck!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Happy Father's Day.....

I didn't think he'd be sitting alone this year. (Well, he has his lady bug).

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Plus Sign

Sweet daughter,

One year ago today I fell to my knees in greatfulness, absolute joy and unending love. I still do that today. I am greatful for you. I am absolutely overjoyed you are my daughter. My love for you will never end. God gave me a true gift whe He gave me you.

Mommy loves you so very much.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A Trip to the ER

Once again just asking for prayers. Last night was rough for us. Here's the story.

Full Circle

Tomorrow, June 17, it will be one year since I welcomed your sweet little soul into my heart. That is the day I found out I was carrying you.

One year. For one year I have had the joy of knowing you, the sorrow of losing you came some weeks later. I remember taking the test. I remember kneeling on the bathroom floor and thanking God for you with every breath I had. I remember telling Bobby, just 15 months old, but so excited by his mother's joy and cried that he was going to be a big brother. I remember those tears of happiness that rolled down my cheeks.

How naive mommy was, Hannah. How naive to think that day meant I would be holding you 8 months later. How naive to just assume I'd keep you.

Not anymore.

My anxiety has been getting the best of me. The panic. The uneasiness. The inability to stay too long in one place but yet have that fear of moving.

I love you sweet Angel. I am blessed to have known you and to be your mom.

Father, please take this pain. Please take my worries, my anxiety, my fears. Please help me to remember that you are always in control and with you, I can deal with anything. Increase my faith, I pray, and help me to always glorify you through my life.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Please Pray

Please pray for Jace. Heartbreaking.

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