Friday, May 21, 2010

8 Months

8 Months. It seems like such a long time and such a short time, all at once.

Thank you, Hannah, for blessing my life with your beautiful soul. Thank you for the love you give. Thank you for being my daughter.

I miss you. I love you so very much. I know you are at peace. I know you are happy. I know you are taken care of and I know you are so very, very loved. You touch so many lives.

I woke up to a text message from Aunt Crystal in Texas. She and Uncle Raymond have donated to our local chapter of The Make a Wish Foundation. Some child in need will be blessed by you. And you know Grandma supports that little girl Emily in Mexico who has the very same birthday as you. She is in need and blessed because of you.

I am blessed because of you.

I love you little girl.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I wish I could vent and say exactly how I am feeling, but for now I just can't. I can't.

My mom bought me this beautiful box that says, "Don't lose Hope...When it gets darkest the stars come out." I have it sitting next to my computer and I have decided the absolute perfect use for it. Usually when I read your blogs I'll say a breath prayer for whatever need you appear to have at that time. From now on I will put it on paper and put it in my box. I have said before and I'll say again, I believe so strongly in the power of prayer, so I just thought I'd share with you that  know you are all going to end up in that box.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I'm tired. Everything I need to get done seems to be backed up by a few days and the "to-do" list keeps getting longer. (Hope my hubby doesn't run out of underwear from the piles of laundry building up). It's wedding season and I make invitations. I have 3 jobs going on right now. I had 3 Delivering Hope orders. (Thank you so much!) My house is a mess.....I have finally caught up on the Butterfly Mommies and gotten all the Bible Study info in order, though. But as I sit here and think of it all, I feel so blessed and so rich at the same time. What would I do and where would I be without this ministry?

I've been having nightmares. Well, I guess they aren't really nightmares because they really happened. My mind keeps taking me to the hardest parts of that day. The worst moments. Picturing my daughter and all that happened.......I wonder why. Why does my mind go there at night? Why do I wake up filled with that raw emotion? I wish I could just see her face and not the way she was treated. I wish I could just remember her heartbeat on the ultrasound instead of imagining it slowly stopping as I lay on that table. I wish so many things.

Sorry for venting, but thank you for listening. I have an emotional boulder sitting on top of me right now. I wish there was some easy way to release it and get rid of all this negativity. Please pray for me.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Routines and a Song

Last night I went to a free concert in Ocean Grove with my mom, dad and little Bobby. It was Tenth Avenue North. Before I lost Hannah I had never even heard of them, but then I heard this song. It just spoke to me so deeply. When they sang it last night, my eyes filled with tears and I struggled to fight them back. I looked at my mom and told her how much it reminds me of Hannah, of that very dark place where I felt so alone and so full of questions. Sometimes I even find myself back there these days, when I look at her picture too long or realize that the butterfly lamp I lit that day is still burning. Who would think a bulb would last so long? I realize all these rituals I perform for her on a daily basis and I guess I just have to accept that that is her part of my routine. It doesn't include bottles and diapers, it includes lighting her candle and kissing her urn.

I love you, little girl.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Another Rainbow

I have been wanting to share this news for a little while and now seems like the right time. I believe so greatly in the power of prayer and ask that you please lift us up as we travel this road again.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

I just wanted to wish each and every one of you a Happy Mother's Day. I remember thinking how this year it would no longer be just Bobby, but Hannah would be here, too. And yet while she is not here physically, I know she is in spirit. I know she is in my heart.

When Bobby and I got married in October of 2006, we bought the house he grew up in from his parents. We did a lot of renovations, including ripping the entire top off to replace it with 3 new bedrooms, a loft, a wonderful bathroom and even an upper deck! But anyway, we had a central air conditioning system placed both upstairs and downstairs in 2 zones. The men were here so much we became very friendly with them. They watched as I became pregnant with Bobby and each summer watched him grow a little more. Last summer, they watched as I became pregnant with Hannah and learned we were having a girl. Well, they had to come last week for a problem we were having with the upstairs unit. When Dan was leaving my husband Bobby came inside with tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong. He said Dan had said how big Bobby was getting and then said, "You have a daughter, too, don't you?" Yeah. We have a daughter, too. I think it caught him off guard as he had to explain what happened. I think sometimes I forget the pain that sits on his heart as well. I am the one always asked how I am doing. I am usually the one found explaining our loss of our beautiful girl. That was a reminder to me to try to not wrap myself in my grief alone, but to share that blanket with him. It brought me a great sadness, too. Every year for Father's Day since Bobby has been born, I take his picture with a sign to put in Bobby's card. What do I do for him this year?



Monday, May 3, 2010

May 2, 2010

What an amazing day yesterday was. First, I hope everyone had a wonderful Babylost Mother's Day! I thought of all our babies looking down from the clouds, loving their mothers and wishing us joy! It was a beautiful day!

I also want to thank all of you who listened and participated in our first Radio Show! Kristie and I were amazed at the outpouring and Carly was awesome! It is amazing to be used as a part of God's plan! I am so looking forward to next Sunday and all the weeks to come to do it all again! We put together a blog for the show with the links and links to past shows so if you missed yesterday you might want to go check it out-----HERE. Thank you again, guys---I am so grateful for each and every one of you!

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