I wish I could vent and say exactly how I am feeling, but for now I just can't. I can't.
My mom bought me this beautiful box that says, "Don't lose Hope...When it gets darkest the stars come out." I have it sitting next to my computer and I have decided the absolute perfect use for it. Usually when I read your blogs I'll say a breath prayer for whatever need you appear to have at that time. From now on I will put it on paper and put it in my box. I have said before and I'll say again, I believe so strongly in the power of prayer, so I just thought I'd share with you that know you are all going to end up in that box.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I'm tired. Everything I need to get done seems to be backed up by a few days and the "to-do" list keeps getting longer. (Hope my hubby doesn't run out of underwear from the piles of laundry building up). It's wedding season and I make invitations. I have 3 jobs going on right now. I had 3 Delivering Hope orders. (Thank you so much!) My house is a mess.....I have finally caught up on the Butterfly Mommies and gotten all the Bible Study info in order, though. But as I sit here and think of it all, I feel so blessed and so rich at the same time. What would I do and where would I be without this ministry?
I've been having nightmares. Well, I guess they aren't really nightmares because they really happened. My mind keeps taking me to the hardest parts of that day. The worst moments. Picturing my daughter and all that happened.......I wonder why. Why does my mind go there at night? Why do I wake up filled with that raw emotion? I wish I could just see her face and not the way she was treated. I wish I could just remember her heartbeat on the ultrasound instead of imagining it slowly stopping as I lay on that table. I wish so many things.
Sorry for venting, but thank you for listening. I have an emotional boulder sitting on top of me right now. I wish there was some easy way to release it and get rid of all this negativity. Please pray for me.
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Sending many prayers your way - hang in there!
ReplyDeleteSending prayers for you. I wish we didn't have to go back and remember those moments. We go forward and somehow end up there again without wanting too. Thinking of you, ((HUGS)).
ReplyDeleteI hear you loud and clear..maybe it is the weather..I don't know..I am praying for you as always..
ReplyDeletei too believe so strongly in the power of prayer.... i promise, i wrote my post before i read yours:) we seem to have a vulcan mind meld today (yes, yes, i'm a closet trekkie!)
ReplyDeletepraying for you today dear friend.
If I can help you in ANY way please let me know...As far as being able to help you understand the nightmares, I can tell you what my therapist taught me about them. Nightmares about REAL events are your minds way of reacting to the trauma. You may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder like me. IT is very common after the loss of a child, and especially in the way in which you had to go through the process, I cant imagine you being "ok" after it. I would suggest taking some things off your list of things to do. Maybe you can reach out to your mom about laundry, good time to use the "pregnancy tiredness card (wink wink)" as far as all your projects, I have seen many baby loss moms who have felt over whelmed by what they are doing for others and taken a "break" EVERYONE will understand this, trust me. I hope you come to the point where you can start to dream of Hannah and be holding, kissing and talking to her.
ReplyDeleteYou did give me an idea of what to do with the "wish" box in the basket, and I can assure you a prayer for you and your family will go inside it :)
Katy, I am sending some prayers your way. I find that some of our most emotional times are coming with a rainbow on the horizon *hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh, giving you a big hug & keeping you in thoughts/prayers. :) I know it's rough and those days are the hardest. XO
ReplyDeleteWell, seriously. (That word again, right?)
ReplyDeleteIf I didn't feel like I'd throw up all the way there, I'd get in the car and drive up there. Seriously.
John's in Texas for the week and you're not all THAT far.
So, while I can't give you a big hug right now, I'm telling you that in the near future (God willing!) I plan to.
In the meantime, always, always, always praying for you.
Fervently, wholeheartedly and very, very seriously!
Love you!
Sending prayers asap! It seems to be at night time when I get the most emotional too, it must be because we are so busy during the day we dont let ourselves really feel all of it. That's my theory anyways. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteSending you prayers Katy!! Know that you are so very loved!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and for being such a prayer warrior. Praying for rest and that you would be lifted up and encouraged.
ReplyDeleteLove!
Katy, I just wanted to say I love you and your ministry!
ReplyDeleteKaty,
ReplyDeletePraying that the heavy weight will be lifted. I pray for your peace comfort healing and rest.
*HUGS* Crystal
Lots of prayers your way. I love the idea of collecting prayers in your box. What a neat image.
ReplyDeletePraying, praying, praying! I am so sorry you are heavy hearted today. Take a break sweet mama and let your body and mind rest. God is big enough to carry all of our burdens we just have to lay them down. Big hugs tonight!
ReplyDeleteIf I had a prayer box there would be a little note about you in it right now. I think that the night time thoughts are normal... especailly when we are so busy throughout the day, that is the only time our minds can process the "other things." Maybe you could try setting aside a little bit of time each day to think of all the happiness sweet Hannah brought to you (I know you already do that all day long) and then maybe the nightmares will stop...just a thought! Thinking of you. xx
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of the prayer box. Thanks Katy!!
ReplyDeleteGosh, I've had so many days when things get backed up. Seems like you'll never get caught back up. I hope you can find some moments in all the busyness to relax. We need those few moments when things are so busy.
I'm sorry you've been having the flashbacks to those rough times. Maybe when you have one of those try and think of a good memory of Hannah.
Katy,
ReplyDeleteJust look at all the love and prayers pouring over you right now :) Your feelings are warranted and I only wish I could do something, some little thing to lift your heart a bit. Just know I'm walking with you and praying for you.
Much love,
Andrea
tons of positive energy and thoughts to you, my dear. I totally understand everything you are saying... the nightmares are horrible and knock the wind out of you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you
I have been having those days too, my friend. You are not alone.
ReplyDelete