The past few nights I've had such trouble sleeping. Death weighing heavily on my mind. The permanence of death and the absolute anguish it causes.
2 days ago, July 21, was my best friend's birthday. She would have been 32 had she not died 10 years ago today, July 23. A brain anuerism took her suddenly. Just like that. We spent our childhoods hand in hand. Inseparable. She was the sister I never had. It is still painful for me today to remember and miss her. It is painful for me to think of her mother, who lost her only child.
Yesterday I learned my close friend's nephew died, drowned, on Thursday. He was 13. His friend had jumped in the river and was drowning. He jumped in to try to save him. Both boys died. I called my friend and just cried for him. The heartache. The pain. I hurt for his mother, how she must feel. I spent last night thinking how if only he hadn't tried to help...if only. We've all been there.
And Hannah. I wonder who you would be today. My tiny princess. What if you'd had a chance to grow? To grow up?
I don't understand death. I hate the way it makes me feel. I'm so thankful, though, that this is only our temporary home. But what do you do if you don't believe that?