Sometimes it makes me really mad.
I loved to play with Bobby. I loved meeting playmates at the park, going to Gymboree, being his mom, being a mom. I still love to play with him and take him to the park and being his mom, but does he feel the same about me? Is this broken person really what he deserves? He deserves his whole mom back. Only when Hannah left, she took part of me. I am not and never will be the same. How is that fair? Why does Bobby get left with this beat up half of a mom? We all lose.
I just want my daughter. I want my son. I want both of my daughters. I want me.
Ahh just feeling defeated, feel defeated sometimes and need to get it out.
He's watched me grieve for more than half of his life. How do I give him more? How can I just be better? I want to for him so badly. I just don't know how.
There's so much on my mind.
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{{HUGS}} <3 <3
ReplyDeleteSweet friend...The you before Hannah is not the you that God wanted Bobby to have. I know those words don't make it any easier. Bobby will be better for the WONDERFUL, KIND, SWEET, mama who is raising him. I did not have the pleasure of "knowing" you before Hannah, but the you I know now is one of the most precious people. I feel like you have probably always had a tender heart and a sweet spirit and maybe God has used sweet Hannah to show others these qualities in you. Bobby gets the priviledge of seeing his mama minister to others. What a tremendous lesson that is for him. Don't be so hard on yourself sweet friend. God has used you and Hannah in AMAZING ways. Send much love your way!
ReplyDeleteOh Katy, I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. Just know you are an amazing mother to all 3 of your children. xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteKaty, I love you. I have been praying for you and your family. I want you to know that in a way, I think who we are -IS- complete. Grief and all.
ReplyDeleteAnd even though this grief has taken things away from us, it's also added to us. What you are asking, is no different than for me to say, "Why can't I give Jack who I was in high school?" It's just not meant to play out that way. (not that I seriously want to offer Jack my awkward high school self, but you know what I mean?) I can look at various times in my life, pick out the best of that moment and say, now why isn't it like that now? But truly, I have to look at the whole picture of that time. (I was not exactly Mrs. Self confident... but if only I had that jean's size again...) :O)
God designs our lives to be lived and connected at the right times. Whatever faults we have He will make complete for our children's lives. This week at church you were so heavy on my heart. I was asking God why? Why so many struggles in this life?
The pastor's sermon was about how God places us in the time and location He deems just for us. That we weren't meant for any other time. We can't be anything other than who we are, and who we are is EXACTLY who God wants us to be at the right time.
You may feel broken, you may feel incomplete, but that only comes when we compare ourselves to what we wish we could be. You are who you are, and little Bobby gets the best of you no matter what.
Who was it that said, "even though I am only giving 50% of the old me, it's 100% of what I have to give today."
That's you Katy, you always give 100% of what you have to give. That's all God designed for any of us. It doesn't matter if 3 years ago we gave 50% more. When time and circumstance allows, you will give more when you have more. For now, all you can do is give what you have, and you do that so exceedingly beyond what is 'normal'. If you could fast forward 20 years from now, Little Bobby will say, "Man, my mom always gives everything she has for us."
Love you always!
I don't know what grief looks like when there is a child at home. Thank you for sharing; it's opened my eyes to your pain of missing the other child. I find myself thinking in a similar way as I wonder what healing will be like when God gives me rainbow children in the future.
ReplyDeleteI have the same thoughts about my son Jonathan who was barely 2 when Mikayla died. Now, almost a year later, I am grieving Chase too and I just feel so bad that for this past year I am not the mommy that I feel like I should be for him. I don't have the answers, but you are not alone in this journey.
ReplyDeleteHave I ever told you what an awesome Mom you are? You love with your whole being, your children have the greatest gift a Mom could give, your love for them. <3
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