It's strange the cycle my grief runs in. It changes continuously---so much so, that sometimes it is hard to keep up with it. I'm constantly chasing happy. I'm constantly flagging down hope and standing in the intersection of where it is and where it isn't. It's such a thin line. This is a heavy life sentence for sure.
Something else has been weighing on me. The big "H" word. Hysterectomy. I have been avoiding it for months now. I've had some concerning test results and end the decision was made to just take it all out. Only I still haven't done it yet. Haven't even scheduled it yet. It's too final for me. And still, a part of Hannah. Her home. Ahh, don't even know that it all makes sense. It just hurts. It makes me feel empty---or will it make me feel empty? I'll never bring life into this world again. I'll never spend 9 months praying over my growing belly again. I'll never do so many things.
Seems like another life sentence and a new grief all it's own.
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Sorry you are having a rough time. I imagine that decision is difficult, seeming so final, but I hope you find peace in it at some point. Hugs! Hoping tomorrow is a better day.
ReplyDeleteOh my I can't even imagine. I would feel the same way I think. We are really done with having kids but there is a tiny bit of me that would totally be okay if I got pregnant again. I wouldn't want to have to make the choice you are faced with. I do know that Hanna is close with you during this and is trying to make you okay with whatever has to happen. You are a great mama to all your kids!
ReplyDeleteSending hugs!
Yes, that IS a new grief. Don't feel bad because you're grieving that...you should! I expect that I'd be a mess if I needed a hysterectomy at this point. Big prayers and hugs to you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHow hard Katy! I know I would def have a very hard time time having one, even if I knew for sure I was done. ((hugs))
ReplyDeletei understand.... it makes complete sense. i too am having a very hard time with the idea that i may never again carry a (my very own, sweet, precious) child. (((((hugs))))))
ReplyDeleteI had a hysterectomy the day that Cooper was born so I totally get all of how you're feeling. Huge ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh Katy...I just wish I was there to hug you. I want you to know that I am praying for you and love you . I wish your heart didn't hurt so much...just want to give you all my hugs.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
I am so sorry Katy. I wish there were words to make you feel better, but I know where you are at. We are done having children too, and I know this is best for many reasons, but it is still hard. I am grieving the loss of that part of my life as well..I am here if you need to talk or just to vent! You have always been there for me..
ReplyDelete:(
ReplyDeleteUGH! Why does it all have to be so complicated! I to find my grief intertwining in all aspects of my life, happiness, health...
you put it so perfectly...grief does feel like a life sentence.
Big HUGS!
Since reading your post yesterday I have been on the search for an article I read a while back. It came to mind when I read your words, "It's too final for me. And still, a part of Hannah. Her home." Strangely enough a quote from the article just happened to pop up all over FB today (a sign, perhaps?).
ReplyDeleteI am by no means taking away from the pain you are feeling as a result of the finality of a hysterectomy, rather sending you a little love and comfort knowing that Hannah will have a home in your body for all the days of your life.
"During pregnancy, cells sneak across the placenta. The fetus's cells enter the mother and the mother's cells enter the baby --and stay there for life. In mothers, fetal cells often take residence in her lungs, spinal cord, skin, thyroid gland, liver, intestine, cervix, gallbladder, spleen, lymph nodes, and blood vessels. The baby's cells may also live a lifetime in Mom's heart and brain..."
I hope this shines a small light on your day and brings you peace for years to come.
x <3 o
Katy I'm so sorry. It makes complete sence. Not having another child is a loss with its own grief, but adds to the grief of lossing Hannah. Hugs to you and praying for you regarding the concerning test results.
ReplyDeleteOh Katy ~ So sorry for this season of grief and stuggle. It is indeed so final and such a hard dicission to come to. I am currently pregnant and dealing with a possible placenta accreta ... the decision can not be made until we are closer to delivery (which must be c-section), but we've been informed chances are high that my baby's birthday will also be the day I lose my uterus completly. I've tried to explain to several people why this is so hard, so emeotional, so difficult for me to face ... but I guess its not all that explainable in words. My heart goes out to you and I will lift you up in prayers
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