I've wondered so many times in this journey if she was here. If Hannah was really still here and I just can't see her.
In the early days, weeks and months the pain took over everything. I felt nothing but that pain in every waking moment. It left me broken. It left me closed off to anything else.
I began crafting, reaching out, stepping out of my shell of grief to include others---to try to heal wounds that weren't my own because those were just too painful. And I began to feel her. I felt her in every craft I did for another angel mom, every memory box I donated, letter I wrote, every Bible study I hosted. She was with me. She still is.
But is she here?
I have Hannah's urn in a curio cabinet in the living room. Every night I turn the light on. Every morning I turn it off. I kiss her urn. I tell her I love her. Well, Ellie has been crying in front of her cabinet lately. She will walk over, point and cry. More of a whine, really. If I'm holding her when I open the door she will grab Hannah's urn and give kisses. She randomly walks over to the door and gives kisses. Do she know her? Is she here? Is she really still with us and around us? Do I just imagine her presence to try to give myself peace? To try to fill the hole with something else besides emptiness and pain?
The "world" has since moved on from the destruction her absence has caused in my life. Beautiful blooms have grown in many of the places it destroyed, yet still it aches. Still it is empty. Still I miss her.
Is she here?