This thought has been plaguing me. Why does the amount of time a child spends in the womb determine that child's worth in the eyes of so many people? There seems to be a great misconception of the allowable time a mother may grieve for her lost child and many seem to base this on the amount of time in utero....or the amount of time alive out of the womb. Just because my child only lived inside of me does not mean my child didn't live. But now that I have that off my chest.....
Tomorrow will be one month since Hannah was born into heaven. It doesn't hurt any less now than it did that day. I find I spend most of my time wishing I could just turn back time. Turn it back to when she was happily growing inside of me and I was happily living my life. But I can't. Now I live my life in pain and a kind of quiet desperation. How I hurt and long for my child.
I know God doesn't make mistakes. He wondrously created Her with love in my womb, each and every one of her tiny parts. I was a witness to how He miraculously knit her inside of me until it was His time for Bobby and I to meet her. How beautiful she was. How perfect. How peaceful. Why God chose to create our Hannah and allow us to hold this angel in our arms I may never know. But God doesn't make mistakes.
Since I began this blog I have received so many messages regarding my strength. How strong I am for telling Hannah's story and for telling it so soon after such a great loss. I don't think I am strong at all. If you saw my tear-streaked face and the sorrow that now seeps from my very soul you might change your mind. I tell Hannah's story out of this great love for my daughter. Nobody understood what happened or recognized my daughter. I wanted that for her. I gave birth to her. So many people were just ignoring my daughter's very life. Miscounting the very life of the beautiful child I held in my arms and now my heart. That is why I tell her story. That is why I expose my very heart to this world. I had a miscarriage before Bobby. I had my beautiful, sweet sleeping Hannah after Bobby. And I will never be the same. Another poem.....
Sleeping
sleeping
silent
Still.
hollow and echoing
through my mind
my body's betrayal
left a beautiful
soul to
Sleep.
now I have this void
empty
numb and
empty
looking for a purpose
a reason
an answer
as to why
Your silent birth
has left us aching
without you
is lonely
Why
why did you not get a chance
to live
to love
to be
to breathe
Your beautiful face
dainty yet strong
sleeping yet alive
Born
Still
but still born
Katy Larsen
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I love what you said here. It is so true. "Born still, but still born." I understand very much so what you mean. I felt very hurt by so many comments that others thought would be helpful to me. The worst was the idea that something was "wrong with her". I felt that insulted my child's very existence. As time passed, I started to realize that the comments were not a specific disregard for Sammi and Elizabeth, but that person's general disregard for life within the womb. I began to realize they were not just disregarding my daughters lives, but every life, in every womb. And cruel as they were unintentionally being, I would never wish they understood, because the only way to understand is to experience it yourself, and that is something I wish no one had to endure.
ReplyDeleteYou know, the strength that I see in you is not the reflection that you see within yourself, but what I see is God's strength shining through you. I know that if it were me, I would not, could not endure, and did not, but only God could carry me through. And it is His strength in you that we see.