Hurts

It's strange the cycle my grief runs in. It changes continuously---so much so, that sometimes it is hard to keep up with it. I'm constantly chasing happy. I'm constantly flagging down hope and standing in the intersection of where it is and where it isn't. It's such a thin line. This is a heavy life sentence for sure.

Something else has been weighing on me. The big "H" word. Hysterectomy. I have been avoiding it for months now. I've had some concerning test results and end the decision was made to just take it all out. Only I still haven't done it yet. Haven't even scheduled it yet. It's too final for me. And still, a part of Hannah. Her home. Ahh, don't even know that it all makes sense. It just hurts. It makes me feel empty---or will it make me feel empty? I'll never bring life into this world again. I'll never spend 9 months praying over my growing belly again. I'll never do so many things.

Seems like another life sentence and a new grief all it's own.

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Broken Hearts

Today is Valentine's Day---the day of love. All I'm feeling is sad. They say time heals all wounds, but do they ever fully heal? How could they?

It's been hard for me lately. I lose myself in daydreams of what could have been. I feel like I'm half connected to the world going on around me. I've been trying hard to focus on things besides the giant hole in my heart, but let's face it---sometimes you just can't.

I picture that sweet girl with a giant 2 year old grin opening her birthday presents. Eating her cake. Just doing everything that she SHOULD be here doing. Because she should be, right?

Ah this day of hearts just leaves mine broken once again. How do you truly live with this ache? How do you truly learn to live with it?

Are You Here?

I've wondered so many times in this journey if she was here. If Hannah was really still here and I just can't see her.

In the early days, weeks and months the pain took over everything. I felt nothing but that pain in every waking moment. It left me broken. It left me closed off to anything else.

I began crafting, reaching out, stepping out of my shell of grief to include others---to try to heal wounds that weren't my own because those were just too painful. And I began to feel her. I felt her in every craft I did for another angel mom, every memory box I donated, letter I wrote, every Bible study I hosted. She was with me. She still is.

But is she here?

I have Hannah's urn in a curio cabinet in the living room. Every night I turn the light on. Every morning I turn it off. I kiss her urn. I tell her I love her. Well, Ellie has been crying in front of her cabinet lately. She will walk over, point and cry. More of a whine, really. If I'm holding her when I open the door she will grab Hannah's urn and give kisses. She randomly walks over to the door and gives kisses. Do she know her? Is she here? Is she really still with us and around us? Do I just imagine her presence to try to give myself peace? To try to fill the hole with something else besides emptiness and pain?

The "world" has since moved on from the destruction her absence has caused in my life. Beautiful blooms have grown in many of the places it destroyed, yet still it aches. Still it is empty. Still I miss her.

Is she here?