25 Days of Giveaways!

Tina at Living without Sophia & Ellie came up with this wonderful idea of 25 Days of Giveaways. So 26 (we have an extra!) wonderful women are going to participate and try to spread a little Christmas cheer to those of us who could really use a little this year! Click the 25 Days of Giveaways button to find out which blog to enter at each day!

I am Day 25, which falls on December 21, the 3 month anniversary of my daughter's birth and death. I will be giving away one of her special memory boxes from Delivering Hope! Be sure to stop back here on this day to enter!

Good Luck to everyone! God Bless!

NOTE: These giveaways are open to all baby lost mamas. If you didn't sign up to host a giveaway we still want you to participate and try to win some of these GREAT items. We want to spread happiness to everyone, not just those who are hosting a day!

Numb?

I guess you could best describe my feelings as of recently kind of numb. The numbness does provide some relief from the stinging pain of my loss. But the numbness also disconnects me in a way at the same time. This is not something I have experienced before on this journey. I have to admit, I don't like feeling this way. It actually feels worse than that raw pain yet when I feel that pain coming on I have just been pushing it away. Quickly chasing the thoughts out of my mind. I know why but wonder why at the same time. Am I delaying some massive breakdown by avoiding it? Am I doing what is right and trying to move forward? I am really not sure. I feel a little caught in the middle. Does this at all make sense?

I do notice the absence of the hopelessness. That is incredibly comforting. I know that God is working in me. I have put my hope in Him and He has taken that silent despair right out of my heart. I know there is hope. I know God allows pain. I know it is ok for me to grieve and to hurt and to cry.

Am I trying too hard to push it away? I know it is all still there. I know it is just waiting for me to give it permission to come closer to the surface. I feel it in the background in every waking moment as I shuffle it around in my mind. As I play a game of cat and mouse in my head. As I physically shake it off hoping to avoid what.....the crux of this????? I don't want to go through this all, relive this all again. Is that selfish? I love Hannah. She is my daughter. I still want her with me.

I'm just working on accepting she is not. She never will be.

I wonder if I am just fooling myself.

Footprints.....

Perhaps my grief is leading me to a sort of spiritual awakening. I feel God's presense and the comfort that it brings. I think of those mother's who haven't found the refuge of His arms. I pray for them. He is all you need. He will sustain you.

I followed Hannah's footprints and they led me right to Him. This great and awesome God replaced His footprints with her's to show me the way.

Amen.

Two Months

Dear Hannah,

Tomorrow it will be two months since you left us. The two hardest months of my life.

I just want you to know how very, very much I love you and miss you. I miss all of the possibilities of you. I miss my big belly. I miss singing to you and dreaming of you. I know that is all gone now. I think I have finally accepted that. And I know that as long as I have breath in me we will be apart. But you are always on my mind and always in my heart.

I watch Bobby grow more and more each day. He makes me very proud. I often imagine how proud you would have made me only to realize how much you already have. Your life is changing the life of so many people and will continue to do so. You started by changing mine.

So I have two wonderful children who I couldn't be more proud of. One walks with me on earth. One waits for me in heaven. Someday.

I love you my sweet little angel.

Mommy loves you more than you know.

A little piece of Heaven

When God gave me Hannah, He gave me a little piece of Heaven. I am grateful for that. I am thankful I got to hold her. I am thankful I got to get to know her and bond with her while He was forming her. I am thankful she has peace and I have a piece of Heaven.

Everyday I feel I grow a little. I grow a little stronger through God's grace. I grow a little closer to my Creator. I learn to let a little more go. I learn to try to keep only the good and still praise Him for what I feel is bad. My daughter has given me a wonderful gift. I will forever be grateful.

I wonder.....

I wanted some input from other Baby Lost Mamas. I feel like everyone who loves and cares for me has put this incredible pressure on me to be well. Sometimes I wonder if I am crying in grief or frustration. Sometimes I wonder if I am hurting just from the loss of my daughter or also from the tension and separation I feel in relationships I had that were once close.

Most days I drift through every emotion on this ocean. I feel the usual melancholy that now surrounds my very being, but also satisfaction when I complete something for Hannah. Melancholy, but also frustration from my inability to explain myself. Melancholy, but joy when I watch Bobby accomplish some new task. Guilt for laughing or smiling. Guilt for just breathing sometimes. I wish I could trade with my daughter. Let her laugh, love, smile, breathe.

I wonder if anyone else feels this way. (Heavy Sigh.) It always feels good to sigh.

Thankful

Last night Bobby & I went to another bereavement meeting. Our leader asked us to try to write 3 things we are thankful for for 30 days. Wow.

I thought I would begin my first day by sharing what I am thankful for today.

1. My family
2. All of the wonderful and strong women I have met because of Hannah
3. A homemade dinner that was frozen so all I have to do is heat it up while snuggling my son!

I am still trying to find my way along this path but by the grace of God I am surviving. He has given me the strength I need to face each day without my daughter. He has laid it on my heart to educate and provide comfort. It is healing on so many levels. Three more memory boxes and binders went out today!