I guess you could best describe my feelings as of recently kind of numb. The numbness does provide some relief from the stinging pain of my loss. But the numbness also disconnects me in a way at the same time. This is not something I have experienced before on this journey. I have to admit, I don't like feeling this way. It actually feels worse than that raw pain yet when I feel that pain coming on I have just been pushing it away. Quickly chasing the thoughts out of my mind. I know why but wonder why at the same time. Am I delaying some massive breakdown by avoiding it? Am I doing what is right and trying to move forward? I am really not sure. I feel a little caught in the middle. Does this at all make sense?
I do notice the absence of the hopelessness. That is incredibly comforting. I know that God is working in me. I have put my hope in Him and He has taken that silent despair right out of my heart. I know there is hope. I know God allows pain. I know it is ok for me to grieve and to hurt and to cry.
Am I trying too hard to push it away? I know it is all still there. I know it is just waiting for me to give it permission to come closer to the surface. I feel it in the background in every waking moment as I shuffle it around in my mind. As I play a game of cat and mouse in my head. As I physically shake it off hoping to avoid what.....the crux of this????? I don't want to go through this all, relive this all again. Is that selfish? I love Hannah. She is my daughter. I still want her with me.
I'm just working on accepting she is not. She never will be.
I wonder if I am just fooling myself.