I wanted some input from other Baby Lost Mamas. I feel like everyone who loves and cares for me has put this incredible pressure on me to be well. Sometimes I wonder if I am crying in grief or frustration. Sometimes I wonder if I am hurting just from the loss of my daughter or also from the tension and separation I feel in relationships I had that were once close.
Most days I drift through every emotion on this ocean. I feel the usual melancholy that now surrounds my very being, but also satisfaction when I complete something for Hannah. Melancholy, but also frustration from my inability to explain myself. Melancholy, but joy when I watch Bobby accomplish some new task. Guilt for laughing or smiling. Guilt for just breathing sometimes. I wish I could trade with my daughter. Let her laugh, love, smile, breathe.
I wonder if anyone else feels this way. (Heavy Sigh.) It always feels good to sigh.
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I feel every word. I really do. The guilt, the sea of emotions, the frustration - everything. Even joy sometimes. Sending you BIG (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteYou are so right to feel how you do. It isn't that your family wants you to hurry through your grief just for them, they want you to feel better for you too, what they don't get is that grieving being put on a time frame is the opposite of helpful. You have a right to take the time it takes you for your own personal journey. Sometimes though they dont realize what their words sound like to us. We have to be honest with them about it, whether they are comfortable with it or not.
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