My mind is so incredibly bitter. My thoughts even taste bad in my own mouth. They would be incredibly hard for someone else to swallow or even comprehend. This road today is a dark one. Any light that was shining in is behind the clouds now. Where do I even start? I kind of feel like I'm going crazy.
I went to a bereavement meeting with my mom last night. They talked a lot about dread and anger. Dread. Want to know what I dread? I dread February 18. I dread the day my nephew is born. I dread the day all of my pregnant facebook friends start making announces and posting pictures. Maybe I will just disappear. I hate feeling this way. The other day I was at Gymboree with Bobby. Another mom said, "Do you have any other children?" Yes. My daughter passed. Awkward silence.
Another afternoon of sobbing in the basement.
I was thinking a lot about my mom. Losing Hannah has been hard on her too. She said to me one day something about having to watch me hurt on top of Hannah's death. I guess this is a love that only a mother knows. She loves me like I love Hannah. I was also thinking about her with Bobby. Bobby loves his Gamma (or Da as he has been calling her lately). She said it only took her a year and a half to bond with him. See I never wanted to let anyone else hold him when he was little. I had waited and prayed for him for so long and I was very selfish. And now what I wouldn't give for my mom to hold Hannah just once.
That's enough for today. I'm sorry if I've hurt or offended anyone.
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I get your bitterness. It really is ok. You are definitely not going crazy, it's just the grief that makes all of us think we're going crazy. I feel like I go in circles all the time. A vicious cycle of the same emotions, over and over again. I know that awkward silence you mentioned. It happened to me today. Someone asked me about children and I told her my baby died in May. It is hard. It just is. I am so sorry, and I wish none of us had to ever know this grief. Sending you *BIG* hugs!
ReplyDeleteKaty, I'm so sorry that I didn't see this post earlier. I would have liked to pray for you on Wednesday, though I will pray for you still now. I hope you know it's okay to feel how you are feeling, and that others have felt that same way, and some days we all do. It's especially hard right now, but this feeling will not last forever. You will come out of it, and you will feel peace and hope again. This journey is like a rollercoaster at times. (cheesy analogy, I know) There will be up days and down days, but pretty soon the up days begin to outlast the down days, and then before you know it, what has been two days since your last down day becomes two weeks, then two months... I know that probably isn't much comfort now, but I just wanted to tell you that i have been there, and I feel such sadness for your hurting heart.
ReplyDeleteHeavenly Father, Thank you so much for Katy. Thank you for her love for you, her generous spirit, and her dedication to create change from this loss. Her focus on you has been a shining example to me during this time. I don't know how you do it, but you just always put the right people in my life at the right time. Her words so often move my heart to action, thank you for crossing her path and mine at this time in our lives. I ask you Lord to be with her, to bring her comfort and peace, and to be sure to give her the strength that she needs, and in a way that she knows her strength comes from you to get her through. It's so difficult to see our friends sorrow, but you have given us love and comfort to share, and I pray that you share that through the women of the study, in each of their lives, one helping the other, as they are already beginning to reach out now. Thank you Lord, abundantly Thank you. In Jesus name, AMEN
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Hannah. I wish I could persuade you to believe me that you will get through this. It gets worse before it gets better. And it never really gets better, but the rawness of it does subside. I have learned to live with it, which I never thought was possible 2 years ago. Just keep telling yourself that tomorrow has got to be better. One day you will wake up and it will be true.
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