My mind is so incredibly bitter. My thoughts even taste bad in my own mouth. They would be incredibly hard for someone else to swallow or even comprehend. This road today is a dark one. Any light that was shining in is behind the clouds now. Where do I even start? I kind of feel like I'm going crazy.
I went to a bereavement meeting with my mom last night. They talked a lot about dread and anger. Dread. Want to know what I dread? I dread February 18. I dread the day my nephew is born. I dread the day all of my pregnant facebook friends start making announces and posting pictures. Maybe I will just disappear. I hate feeling this way. The other day I was at Gymboree with Bobby. Another mom said, "Do you have any other children?" Yes. My daughter passed. Awkward silence.
Another afternoon of sobbing in the basement.
I was thinking a lot about my mom. Losing Hannah has been hard on her too. She said to me one day something about having to watch me hurt on top of Hannah's death. I guess this is a love that only a mother knows. She loves me like I love Hannah. I was also thinking about her with Bobby. Bobby loves his Gamma (or Da as he has been calling her lately). She said it only took her a year and a half to bond with him. See I never wanted to let anyone else hold him when he was little. I had waited and prayed for him for so long and I was very selfish. And now what I wouldn't give for my mom to hold Hannah just once.
That's enough for today. I'm sorry if I've hurt or offended anyone.