This morning as I quietly watched Bobby building some great tower with his blocks, a wave of grief just completely came over me. I should be having a hard time sitting on the basement floor. It would be entirely too uncomfortable for a woman 25 weeks pregnant. Yet there I was, not uncomfortable, not 25 weeks pregnant. How the realism of that can just smack you right in the face.
I felt all my thoughts, all my progress, just rewind. I felt like someone had just hit the rewind button on my grief and it was staring me directly in the face again. I began sobbing and Bobby stopped playing. Mom? I am so sorry, Ba. I am so sorry. But Dear God if you are listening, why did you allow this to happen? My soul exposed I cried out behind my tears.
Have to get out of here. I put on our shoes, our coats. Made a cup of coffee and refilled his juice. Out into the brisk autumn morning for a walk with Bobby in his wagon. I need to learn to separate my love and thoughts of Hannah from my grief. I don't want to break down everytime I actually allow myself to think of her.
After our walk and lunch I put Bobby down for his nap. That leads me to now, this moment. I am still shaken from this morning. I searched for some scripture on comfort and this is what He provided me with.
The God of All Comfort
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)
I suppose I am on the right path.