The Veil

I haven't had that much to say. I am here.

I was looking at Bobby's baby picture this morning. What a beautiful baby he was, and now a handsome little man. Makes my heart twinge with hurt, with sadness, at the things I'll miss.

I visited the Children's Memorial Garden the other day. The flowers are starting to bloom and Bobby picked one for his sister. Makes my heart twinge with hurt, with sadness, at the things he will miss.

I think about all the walks Bobby and I have taken around this neighborhood, watching him sleep, not believing he was mine. I will never take a walk with Hannah around this neighborhood. She is not here, and sometimes it is hard to believe she ever was mine. Makes my heart twinge with hurt, with sadness, at the things she will miss.

It is not a raw pain that follows me around each day. It is a melancholy veil that sits atop my life. Sometimes the wind blows it high enough to see from underneath and sometimes it just drapes over your soul.

I love you, beautiful girl.

International Babylost Mother's Day (PLUS) a Radio Show!

How exciting is this?! Carly Dudley, founder of International Babylost Mother's Day, is going to interview with us live for our first official Radio Show-----ON May 2, International Babylost Mother's Day! Awesome, right?

The show begins at 5pm Eastern on Sunday, May 2. We will be hosting 3 separate giveaways including a "Pampered Mom" Gift Basket, a Custom Shdow Box and a Surprise Store-Bought Item! It is a day to honor ALL moms and ALL children and we hope you will join us! You can listen, chat or even call in! To visit our BlogTalk Radio page CLICK HERE. Bookmark this link because this is how you will arrive at the show next Sunday!

For automatic updates on all of our upcoming shows and topics, friend Anchored By Hope on Facebook!

Thank You.....

I just want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and prayers. My SIL has been moved from ICU, is off of dialysis, and her recovery is appearing nothing short of a miracle.

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them. Matthew 18:20

Prayers Needed

Today started as any other day but is falling apart rapidly.

Last night my sister-in-law took a very large quantity of various prescriptions. She is in the hospital right now, unconscious, being assisted in her breathing, on dialysis because her kidneys are failing. My husband lost a sister suddenly a little over 3 years ago. The family doesn't need to go through this again. She really needs a lot of love, support and many, many prayers right now.

There are a few other matters that I really can't put out there, but could really use your prayers. God knows our needs and our hearts. He knows the outcomes and how He will carry us each through. Please just lift us up to Him. Please lift up my sister-in-law.

7 Months Without Her, An Award and Many Thank Yous.....

This I am sure is going to be a long one.

Today marks 7 months since I lost my Hannah. I miss her and love her so very, very much. I also thank her and thank God for the many blessings she has brought into my life. Since today is her day I decided to deliver some boxes, blankets and hats to the hospital. It always feels good to do something in her name. I hope and pray that through these things her life will be a blessing to others as well.

I also wanted to post a couple of pictures of her tree. My mom bought the beautiful garden stone for her.

Next I want to thank Antoinette at Butterfly Kisses to my Angel Alyssa Marie for nominating me for this blog award! She is incredibly sweet and caring. I am also posting two beautiful pictures she sent me. Thank you so much, Antoinette!

Rules of the award.....

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

2. List who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog.

3. List 10 things that make you happy.

4. Pass the award on to other bloggers and visit their blog to let them know about the award.

Ok. 10 things that make me happy.

1. God

2. My family (ALL of them, especially my babies)

3. My dogs (most of the time!) Sophie the Schnauzer and Scooter aka Henry the Yorkie

4. Making other people happy

5. People remembering Hannah

6. Thursday nights with my girls :)

7. My Blog :)

8. Finishing a LONG list of projects!

9. Warm Delights (You know, that microwaveable dessert from Betty Crocker?)

10. Shopping (especially at Michaels, but that usually adds to NOT getting #8 done)

I could pass this award onto a VERY long list of people. There are so many women who inspire me on a daily basis--whether with their words or through their actions. I really would pass this on to ALL of you so if you want it, GRAB IT!

I also have a couple of long overdue Easter Thank Yous!

Thank you, Michelle!

Thank you, Lisette!

Hannah, you have blessed me so very much. You have given me more than I could imagine and have taught me so many things. One day I know we will be together again. I love you!

April 19, 2010

Remembering sweet Julia Rose today and thinking of my dear friend, Andrea.

Seasons

I keep having flashbacks.

Flashbacks to last spring, when I found out I was pregnant with Hannah. I remembering sitting out back with Bobby on a beautiful spring day talking to my Grandma and asking her to please pray for a brother or sister for him. I remember one month later reading the word "pregnant" on that test. I remember thanking God, falling to my knees with joy. Crying because I felt so blessed.

I remember dreaming for her, of her. I couldn't wait. I had my husband paint the bigger bedroom for Bobby. We bought him big boy furniture. I began working on his transition. Now the nursery sits behind a closed door collecting dust.

I had her for a summer. A little of spring, but the entire summer. What I wouldn't give to have some of those moments again. To tell her how much I love her. I remember dreaming of what this summer would be like with her here. I only know how it is going to be without her.

I keep having flashbacks.

September 21. The last day of summer, literally. September 21. The day my sweet daughter was born.

The autumn began my fall.

Today

Today was one of those days.

I was peaceful to a certain extent, but that bitterness was all along my edges like an old piece of paper falling apart. Does that even make sense? Well, today was one of those days.

I locked that door to keep out the why me's and what if's. I guess they can still come knocking. At least I don't have to answer. At least we are separated by a piece of wood and a peephole. Problem is I can still hear them.

I wonder what she's doing right now. How I wish I could hold her. How I wish for just one moment where our eyes connect and I tell her how very much I love her. How I wish so many things that will never be.

Not here.

Today was just one of those days.

Radio Show TEST Run!

Kristie and I are VERY excited to be testing out our new Radio Show on Sunday at 5pm Eastern. We would love for you all to come listen and interact wit us as we learn to use the switchboard and chatroom. It's EASY! You can participate in several ways. You can just listen. You can call in. You can chat with me and other moms in the chat room. You can either create a Blog Talk Radio username or even log in using your Facebook account. We could really use your support as we test this out. and share our stories with each other. To go to our show CLICK HERE. (Remember it's Sunday, April 11 at 5pm Eastern) Thank you guys for all of your support!

Anchored by Hope: Summer Session

We are currently signing women up for the Summer Session of our Online Bible Study beginning May 13. If you or someone you know is interested please contact either Kristie (kristie@anchoredbyhope.com) or I (katy@anchoredbyhope.com) for more information, or you can check out our website at HERE. For those of you who have taken it or are currently taking it, please share with those you believe would benefit. Thanks!

In bloom

Hannah's tree bloomed today. Perfect little pink flowers.

It made me happy.

It made me sad.

All I have to watch bloom. All I have to watch grow, is a tree.

I have been busy in my life and in my mind. It's kept me from swimming in my sorrow. Most days I just wade on the shore. I wonder if she is watching me beyond that horizon.

I know if I'd never been placed on this particular shore, I wouldn't have found some of the beautiful things I have. Still I can't help but wonder.

I guess I'll just have to watch the beautiful blooms of the weeping cherry and imagine her warmth is what makes it grow.

Happy Easter

Sitting in church seeing all the little girls and babies dressed in their Easter dresses, bonnets and frills. I miss you a lot today. I miss what you could be. I miss what I feel you should be.

Thank you Jesus for giving your life for my sins. That is my hope. This gift He has given to see you again, though I am undeserving of His grace and His mercy.

I imagine God must have wept terribly for His son.

Happy Easter

Sitting in church seeing all the little girls and babies dressed in their Easter dresses, bonnets and frills. I miss you a lot today. I miss what you could be. I miss what I feel you should be.

Thank you Jesus for giving your life for my sins. That is my hope. This gift He has given to see you again, though I am undeserving of His grace and His mercy.

I imagine God must have wept terribly for His son.

April Giveaway

Only a few more hours until the Butterfly Mommies April Giveaway is closed! Be sure to link up & enter http://butterflymommies.blogspot.com/