Wouldn't it be nice if people could overcome their own uncomfortableness and just tell you they love you? They are thinking of you. The know, but at the same time can't possibly understand, how hard this is for you. I'm sure they hear your heart breaking. I'm sure they hear as it slowly cracks into pieces. I'm sure they see it in your eyes; hear it in your voice. But they don't.
Most of the time I believe people want you to feel better just so they don't have to be uncomfortable anymore. It's almost selfish of them.
She is always going to be my daughter. I am always going to want her. I am always going to love her and miss her. That is not going to change.
I have changed.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
One week
I'm one week away from the day my baby girl was due. It seems so long ago when I was welcoming this day, anticipating this day, instead of dreading it. My heart gets heavier each day as it approaches. I know it's okay. I know I'll be okay. I would just like to be past it already.
Hannah left over 4 months ago. She hasn't been here. She left that body and went home. She left me. She left a hole. A giant, gaping hole in my heart; in my family. Most of the time I run around the edge of it. Scared I'll fall in, I keep on moving, running, filling every free moment until there is almost no time left to even think. But I still do.
I wonder who she would have looked more like as she grew. I wonder what her personality would be like. I wonder if she'd be a "Daddy's Girl". I already know she is special. That is one thing I will never have to wonder. And I know I will see her again and then I won't have to wonder anymore. Someday. Someday after I live this life without her.
She is still my little girl. How I wish I could hold her. How I wish.....
Hannah left over 4 months ago. She hasn't been here. She left that body and went home. She left me. She left a hole. A giant, gaping hole in my heart; in my family. Most of the time I run around the edge of it. Scared I'll fall in, I keep on moving, running, filling every free moment until there is almost no time left to even think. But I still do.
I wonder who she would have looked more like as she grew. I wonder what her personality would be like. I wonder if she'd be a "Daddy's Girl". I already know she is special. That is one thing I will never have to wonder. And I know I will see her again and then I won't have to wonder anymore. Someday. Someday after I live this life without her.
She is still my little girl. How I wish I could hold her. How I wish.....
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
And the Winner is.....[Plus Some Overdue Thank You's!]
Lea over at Nicholas' Touch! My son picked a number out of a bowl and that is how we officially decided! What a wonderful coincidence that ladybugs are her reminder, too! I'll be working on this special surprise right away! Secretly I am hoping that it will arrive on February 18 (Hannah's Due Date) but I'm no postal worker.....
I would also like to thank a few special women that have touched me with their kindness.
Bree over at My Baby Butterfly Ella made these beautiful butterflies for Hannah and my sweet Rainbow baby. Thank you so much, Bree!
I would also like to thank a few special women that have touched me with their kindness.
Bree over at My Baby Butterfly Ella made these beautiful butterflies for Hannah and my sweet Rainbow baby. Thank you so much, Bree!
Lisa over at Jasper Forever Our First-born and also Waterfall Angels, took these beautiful pictures of Hannah's name on a rock in front of the beautiful waterfalls. Thank you so much, Lisa!
And Megan over at Graceful Willows sent me this wonderful surprise of Hannah's name in the snow! Thank you so much, Megan! What a sweet bunch of women!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Post #50! Leave a Comment- I'm Giving Something Away!
Wow. Post #50. I've decided to give something away. It seems appropriate, too, with my due date being next week. So leave me a comment! Let me know what animal, insect, shape.....whatever, reminds you most of your sweet baby. Ladybugs remind me of Hannah. I'll share a story I wrote with you.....
Once there was a little ladybug. A beautiful little ladybug who lived in the silver lining of the clouds in Heaven. The little ladybug living above watched all of the people here below and wondered what it would be like to live amongst them on the Earth.
She asked our dear Father in Heaven to allow her to fly down for a closer look. But more than a closer look, He gave her a monumental task below. He breathed His loving breath on her and down she flew. She flew into a womb that began to swell with love and expectation immediately. And she grew.
She grew and she grew. Hearing sweet words spoken to her daily. Lullabies sung. Sweet caresses felt. A mother's joy. A father's pride. Big brother's laughter. She thrived as she danced and swam in the temporary home the Lord had given her.
The Lord had other plans, though. He had plans much different than those of the little ladybug; than those of her mommy.
A sickness crept into her once joyous womb. A sickness. She heard crying. She heard wailing. She felt the desperation of her mother's love. She was pushed into a world she was not yet ready for.
Peacefully she flew again to her home in the clouds. Different now, whole now and perfect. No longer a little ladybug.
She watched her mommy. Mourning, weeping, living each day in quiet desperation. She watched her in her anger and her grief. She watched her as she struggled. She watched her as she cried.
She asked God why He had let her go. Why did He take her away so soon?
Mommy asked all the same questions.
In her most desperate moments, the Lord allowed the little ladybug to visit her mommy. She took a ride on a balloon sent to Heaven. She landed on Mommy's shoulder and blew her a kiss with her graceful wings as she ascended once more.
She still watches her mommy today.
She watches Mommy honor her and love her. She watches Mommy miss her and remember her each day. On the very hard days, she blows Mommy down a kiss. A sweet reminder of her everlasting presence.
She is not gone.
And she begins to see.
I am starting to understand, together they say. I am starting to understand, Dear Lord, why you have taken us away from each other.
You have brought us closer to You.
Everyday I watch Mommy pray. I watch Mommy work. I watch Mommy try to touch the lives of other people.
The little ladybug realizes the many gifts she has given to her mommy. She knows the work of the Lord is perfect. She sees as He sees now and fully understands.
She can't wait to see Mommy in heaven and tell her all these secrets. To whisper these mysteries into her empty spaces. To fill her up with reunion and love.
To never fly away again.
I'll post the winner tomorrow morning!
She asked our dear Father in Heaven to allow her to fly down for a closer look. But more than a closer look, He gave her a monumental task below. He breathed His loving breath on her and down she flew. She flew into a womb that began to swell with love and expectation immediately. And she grew.
She grew and she grew. Hearing sweet words spoken to her daily. Lullabies sung. Sweet caresses felt. A mother's joy. A father's pride. Big brother's laughter. She thrived as she danced and swam in the temporary home the Lord had given her.
The Lord had other plans, though. He had plans much different than those of the little ladybug; than those of her mommy.
A sickness crept into her once joyous womb. A sickness. She heard crying. She heard wailing. She felt the desperation of her mother's love. She was pushed into a world she was not yet ready for.
Peacefully she flew again to her home in the clouds. Different now, whole now and perfect. No longer a little ladybug.
She watched her mommy. Mourning, weeping, living each day in quiet desperation. She watched her in her anger and her grief. She watched her as she struggled. She watched her as she cried.
She asked God why He had let her go. Why did He take her away so soon?
Mommy asked all the same questions.
In her most desperate moments, the Lord allowed the little ladybug to visit her mommy. She took a ride on a balloon sent to Heaven. She landed on Mommy's shoulder and blew her a kiss with her graceful wings as she ascended once more.
She still watches her mommy today.
She watches Mommy honor her and love her. She watches Mommy miss her and remember her each day. On the very hard days, she blows Mommy down a kiss. A sweet reminder of her everlasting presence.
She is not gone.
And she begins to see.
I am starting to understand, together they say. I am starting to understand, Dear Lord, why you have taken us away from each other.
You have brought us closer to You.
Everyday I watch Mommy pray. I watch Mommy work. I watch Mommy try to touch the lives of other people.
The little ladybug realizes the many gifts she has given to her mommy. She knows the work of the Lord is perfect. She sees as He sees now and fully understands.
She can't wait to see Mommy in heaven and tell her all these secrets. To whisper these mysteries into her empty spaces. To fill her up with reunion and love.
To never fly away again.
I'll post the winner tomorrow morning!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The Blessing Ring.....What do you think?
What do you think? It is called a Blessing Ring! On the back of the initial plate I put a tag that reads,
The Blessing Ring
Our Heavenly Father has given us many blessings.
Blessings are not only kind words of
encouragement but ACTS of encouragement,
love and praise. The Blessing Ring
holds these things. Whether you are
blessed with a thoughtful card,
have a picture of a touching moment,
are reminded of a Bible verse,
or given a token of love.....
Punch a hole in it and string it on your Blessing Ring.
I have given you this because
you are a blessing to me.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Naptime
I have been busy. I like being busy. Busy is good.
I was thinking the other day as I was printing and cutting and folding and stapling. I was thinking of when I was pregnant with Hannah and all of the activities that had then filled my days. Bobby and I would do the usual morning routine, errands, snacktime, lunch and down for a nap. Once a week Gymboree. The afternoon was spent playing together and cooking dinner. Sometimes doing laundry or sweeping or dusting. His naptime had become my naptime. Life was monotonous. Life was good. I love routines and habits and plans.
Then I began to think about life now. How little has changed. How much has changed. Besides the internal changes in me, my outlook, my faith, my love and compassion, our morning and afternoon routines are exactly the same.
It's naptime that's different.
I spend those two and a half hours everyday with my daughter.
I make things for her memory boxes. I work on the Anchored by Hope website. I frantically e-mail Kristie lists and questions. I receive frantic e-mails in return. I craft and create. I meditate. I worship. I love.
I am full.
She has filled me up with such wonderful blessings. She has given me a purpose. She has essentially "woken me up" from naptime.
(I know you all have been praying for me as well. I have felt it. I posted about our Doctor visit for those who would like to read it.)
And speaking of naptime, look at the beautiful pillow and blanket Kristie made for Hannah.....
She also made me 10 beautiful blankets to include with Hannah's Delivering Hope Memory Boxes. I posted them on my Delivering Hope blog! I really can't thank her enough!
I was thinking the other day as I was printing and cutting and folding and stapling. I was thinking of when I was pregnant with Hannah and all of the activities that had then filled my days. Bobby and I would do the usual morning routine, errands, snacktime, lunch and down for a nap. Once a week Gymboree. The afternoon was spent playing together and cooking dinner. Sometimes doing laundry or sweeping or dusting. His naptime had become my naptime. Life was monotonous. Life was good. I love routines and habits and plans.
Then I began to think about life now. How little has changed. How much has changed. Besides the internal changes in me, my outlook, my faith, my love and compassion, our morning and afternoon routines are exactly the same.
It's naptime that's different.
I spend those two and a half hours everyday with my daughter.
I make things for her memory boxes. I work on the Anchored by Hope website. I frantically e-mail Kristie lists and questions. I receive frantic e-mails in return. I craft and create. I meditate. I worship. I love.
I am full.
She has filled me up with such wonderful blessings. She has given me a purpose. She has essentially "woken me up" from naptime.
(I know you all have been praying for me as well. I have felt it. I posted about our Doctor visit for those who would like to read it.)
And speaking of naptime, look at the beautiful pillow and blanket Kristie made for Hannah.....
She also made me 10 beautiful blankets to include with Hannah's Delivering Hope Memory Boxes. I posted them on my Delivering Hope blog! I really can't thank her enough!
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