New Directions & Giveaways

As many of you may know, Kristie and I have begun the wonderful venture together of Anchored by Hope. This is an Online Bible Study and Christian support ministry for those suffering from pregnancy and infant loss. We have also started a networking blog to connect us mommies with babies in Heaven called Butterfly Mommies. Well, we need some support!

The Anchored by Hope blog is currently hosting a giveaway as is the Butterfly Mommies blog. Please go check them out and if you feel so inclined, please follow them! Thank you so much for all of your support as we begin down this new path!

To learn more about the Anchored by Hope ministry you can visit our website at http://www.anchoredbyhope.com/.

(Sigh)

I am having a hard time. I imagine all that I am missing in that alter world that never played out. The one that took an abrupt turn in the opposite direction on September 21, 2009. The one that left me so empty. Sad. Desparate. Alone.

Looking to God for guidance has been the only thing getting me through. His grace has been the only thing getting me through. His mercy has been the only thing getting me through. You know, where He stops that boulder from completely rolling over you. You just sit staring at it everyday instead. Wondering when it will resume its motion and completely crush you.

Sigh.

I am so confused. I am lost right now.

oh and this too.....(click here)

Beautiful Blogger Award!

I've been nominated for the the Beautiful Blogger Award! Thank you Mattie at Creative Joy for nominating me! I would nominate you right back as I love reading your beautiful posts!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

:: Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

:: Copy the award and place it in your blog.

:: Link the person who nominated you for this award.

:: Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

:: Nominate 7 bloggers.

:: Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

So 7 really exciting, super interesting, fascinating, things about me.

1. When I was a child, I wanted to be an English teacher and a writer. As a "grown-up", I am a graphic artist and Hannah has re-ignited my love for writing. (Thanks baby girl!)

2. I have 2 butterfly tattoos. They are both cover-ups of tattoos I let me older brother give me with a homemade tattoo gun at the age of 14. (Sorry mom!)

3. I LOVE to decorate!

4. I am addicted to Reality TV, but mostly The Bachelor, Survivor and Big Brother.

5. My husband used to be my boss (at work) and now I am his (at home).

6. My favorite color is green.

7. I adore my children. (Love you Baba and Hanni! xxxooo)

Now for my nominations! Drumroll, please........

1. Andrea at Julia, Our Christmas Angel

2. Andrea at Life, Love and Persuit of Our Fairytale

3. Nan at The Reiber's: Remembering Our Triplet Angels

4. Maria at The Spirit of Sterling

5. Karen at Gott Joy!

6. Lori at Lori Does Maryland

7. Jill at Footprints on Our Hearts

I have to say I had a difficult time picking just these 7 because I am inspired in a different way by each and every one of the blogs I read! Thanks again, Mattie! It means so much to me!

5 Months

Happy 5 Months in Heaven, sweet Hannah. You are the most beautiful little girl I know. God surely gave you a heart of gold as I watch the lives you are touching. I am so proud of you. I am so thankful to be your mom. I love you and miss you so very, very much.

Love,
Mommy

The Day You Were Due.....

I waited until the end of this long day to post a sort-of photo collage of the things we did today, my husband, little Bobby and I. Most of all I just missed her. I missed Hannah so much and felt that empty ache without her. I felt that absolute no as to having her in my arms. It is real. It is not a dream. It will never change as long as there is breath in me.....we will be apart. So I spent today with the family I do have here on earth and remembered and loved and missed that sweet little girl I have in Heaven.

My friend Renata gave me a gift on Saturday. She is away on vacation, but I told her I was going to wait until today to open it. It made my heart feel good and my eyes well up with tears to read my daughter's name and to read what she had written to me. It feels so good when someone else remembers the one that never leaves your mind. Thank you, Renata. It is a beautiful bracelet with pink stone hearts and Hannah's name on the silver heart near the clasp.

Then a knock at the door.......

All white flowers surrounding a single, beautiful pink rose. Thank you, Mom. I don't know what I would do without you and the love you show for my daughter. The wonderful ways you remember her and remind me that you do. I love you. She also wrote me a beautiful poem in an email about Hannah. Now I have never read or heard of my mother writing poetry. It was beautiful, about a beautiful rose in Heaven in a field of wildflowers. (Maybe if she lets me I'll share it.)

Oh, and Bobby picked a flower out of the bunch to bring to his little sister's stone.....

We then went down to visit Hannah's stone in the Children's Memorial Garden. This would be my husband's first time there and I was excited for him to see it. As I was about to turn onto the entrance road the thought occurred to me that maybe they hadn't shoveled the path. What if it was covered in snow? And it was. I marked the spot where I thought her stone might be and my husband started removing the snow. It was the exact spot where her stone was. How amazing. We left her flower there for her and told her how much we love and miss her.

The rest of the day we spent together. We went to McDonald's for lunch and then to the Aquarium in Camden. It was really nice. Bobby got a penguin stuffed animal in the gift shop and we bought Hannah a keychain with her name on it. After that we went to Olive Garden for dinner and then to the mall where we bought a special new candleholder and angel for Hannah. The angel is called "Loving Angel" and the candleholder is called "Love Notes; the Spirit of Love." She is love and she is loved.

You can't see the angel or candleholder too well in this picture but I just wanted to show the beautiful candles that sit atop my mantle burning for her tonight. The one on the left I have burned every night since the day i lost her.

I searched the sky all day. I hoped and prayed for some comfort, to just see some sign of her love and happiness. I have faith so I already KNOW these things, but I am human and today much weaker than usual. I saw this heart in the clouds today.

I know it was from her.

I would also like to thank a few other very special people for making this day and this week...and this journey, for that matter, a little easier.

Tina at Living without Sophia and Ellie made me this beautiful necklace. I'll quote her note so you see the thought and love she put into it, "It is a bit of a collage...I included a disc with Hannah's name and birthstone, an enamel ladybug, a pendant for Bobby, a heart with "HOPE" for the work you do with Anchored by Hope and Delivering Hope, and a pair of angel wings for the babies you miscarried." I cried when I saw it. Thank you, Tina, so much.

I also received a package from my aunt in Texas. It contained some yarn donated from another mom missing her baby, some Valentines and presents for Bobby, a card for Hannah and I...and just I, a prayer journal (love it) and an angel, specifically an angel entitled "Spirit of Giving; Generosity is your shining gift." I LOVE that she thinks of Hannah this way and hope other people do, too. Thank you, Crystal. It means so much to me.

And last but CERTAINLY not least, thank you, Nan from The Reiber's-Remembering our Triplet Angels, for remembering Hannah today.

February 18, 2010: Due

A letter I wrote to Hannah as my part of the memorial we did on Monday to end our Bible Study. Thank you, Kristie.

Uncomfortable

Wouldn't it be nice if people could overcome their own uncomfortableness and just tell you they love you? They are thinking of you. The know, but at the same time can't possibly understand, how hard this is for you. I'm sure they hear your heart breaking. I'm sure they hear as it slowly cracks into pieces. I'm sure they see it in your eyes; hear it in your voice. But they don't.

Most of the time I believe people want you to feel better just so they don't have to be uncomfortable anymore. It's almost selfish of them.

She is always going to be my daughter. I am always going to want her. I am always going to love her and miss her. That is not going to change.

I have changed.