Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Not backwards.

I'm not taking a step backwards, I just want to take a step back. I am haunted by this thought and just need to put it out there and let go of it.

I read a story the other day of another woman's pregnancy. She developed an infection at 17 weeks causing her cervix to dialate. They put her on antibiotics and bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy. She has her daughter here with her.

My cervix dialated at 18 weeks. I had an infection. Why didn't my doctor put me on antibiotics??!!! This is just tearing me apart right now. I have to let go of it. It is not what happened. I can't go back now. Hannah is gone and trying to find cures to problems with a pregnancy that no longer exists is useless. It only hurts more. So I put this thought out there. I cannot hold onto it anymore. It will probably just drive me crazy.

I am learning that when I stop to look back and analyze things I reopen parts that were trying to heal. I need to just keep my focus on solely looking back to her. Looking back at the beautiful dance recitals she put on during ultrasounds. Look back to that last ultrasound where she waved to us. Waving goodbye.

Goodbye Mommy, Daddy, Bobby. Don't cry. Don't be sad. I am on my way to Heaven. I am going to a perfect place where I will never shed a tear or feel pain. I am going to the place where you will go also. When our time comes to be together. And I love you.

Hannah, Mommy loves you more than words can ever describe. I miss you. I ache for you and what should have been.

But isn't.


  1. Katy,

    I think we will always long for what should have been, as I took a trip down memory lane today. As always it ends in tears.

    Like you, I've looked into the rear view mirror so many times and had so many questions. Questions to which there are no answers and that is what hurts the most. Always the perfectionist I now realize nothing in life is perfect, maybe semi perfect, but only God himself knows perfection. And, our babies were true perfection, created in his image.

    Hugs and love,

  2. oh sweetie I think we hear similar stories and wonder why...why me? It hurts....it really hurts. Sometimes I don't think we know everything...our obs knew something we didn't. I know it doesn't take the pain away. *huge hugs*

    My heart hurts for you right now. Praying for peace for you.

  3. I too have similar situation. Why didn't the doc check me when I told him what was going on, I could have had antibiotics too and Elliot might be here.
    It's hard not to go over the "what if's" endlessly. We are mom's that's whay we do!!
    Thinking of you and Hannah!
    Lots of love!