25 Days of Giveaways!

Tina at Living without Sophia & Ellie came up with this wonderful idea of 25 Days of Giveaways. So 26 (we have an extra!) wonderful women are going to participate and try to spread a little Christmas cheer to those of us who could really use a little this year! Click the 25 Days of Giveaways button to find out which blog to enter at each day!

I am Day 25, which falls on December 21, the 3 month anniversary of my daughter's birth and death. I will be giving away one of her special memory boxes from Delivering Hope! Be sure to stop back here on this day to enter!

Good Luck to everyone! God Bless!

NOTE: These giveaways are open to all baby lost mamas. If you didn't sign up to host a giveaway we still want you to participate and try to win some of these GREAT items. We want to spread happiness to everyone, not just those who are hosting a day!

Numb?

I guess you could best describe my feelings as of recently kind of numb. The numbness does provide some relief from the stinging pain of my loss. But the numbness also disconnects me in a way at the same time. This is not something I have experienced before on this journey. I have to admit, I don't like feeling this way. It actually feels worse than that raw pain yet when I feel that pain coming on I have just been pushing it away. Quickly chasing the thoughts out of my mind. I know why but wonder why at the same time. Am I delaying some massive breakdown by avoiding it? Am I doing what is right and trying to move forward? I am really not sure. I feel a little caught in the middle. Does this at all make sense?

I do notice the absence of the hopelessness. That is incredibly comforting. I know that God is working in me. I have put my hope in Him and He has taken that silent despair right out of my heart. I know there is hope. I know God allows pain. I know it is ok for me to grieve and to hurt and to cry.

Am I trying too hard to push it away? I know it is all still there. I know it is just waiting for me to give it permission to come closer to the surface. I feel it in the background in every waking moment as I shuffle it around in my mind. As I play a game of cat and mouse in my head. As I physically shake it off hoping to avoid what.....the crux of this????? I don't want to go through this all, relive this all again. Is that selfish? I love Hannah. She is my daughter. I still want her with me.

I'm just working on accepting she is not. She never will be.

I wonder if I am just fooling myself.

Footprints.....

Perhaps my grief is leading me to a sort of spiritual awakening. I feel God's presense and the comfort that it brings. I think of those mother's who haven't found the refuge of His arms. I pray for them. He is all you need. He will sustain you.

I followed Hannah's footprints and they led me right to Him. This great and awesome God replaced His footprints with her's to show me the way.

Amen.

Two Months

Dear Hannah,

Tomorrow it will be two months since you left us. The two hardest months of my life.

I just want you to know how very, very much I love you and miss you. I miss all of the possibilities of you. I miss my big belly. I miss singing to you and dreaming of you. I know that is all gone now. I think I have finally accepted that. And I know that as long as I have breath in me we will be apart. But you are always on my mind and always in my heart.

I watch Bobby grow more and more each day. He makes me very proud. I often imagine how proud you would have made me only to realize how much you already have. Your life is changing the life of so many people and will continue to do so. You started by changing mine.

So I have two wonderful children who I couldn't be more proud of. One walks with me on earth. One waits for me in heaven. Someday.

I love you my sweet little angel.

Mommy loves you more than you know.

A little piece of Heaven

When God gave me Hannah, He gave me a little piece of Heaven. I am grateful for that. I am thankful I got to hold her. I am thankful I got to get to know her and bond with her while He was forming her. I am thankful she has peace and I have a piece of Heaven.

Everyday I feel I grow a little. I grow a little stronger through God's grace. I grow a little closer to my Creator. I learn to let a little more go. I learn to try to keep only the good and still praise Him for what I feel is bad. My daughter has given me a wonderful gift. I will forever be grateful.

I wonder.....

I wanted some input from other Baby Lost Mamas. I feel like everyone who loves and cares for me has put this incredible pressure on me to be well. Sometimes I wonder if I am crying in grief or frustration. Sometimes I wonder if I am hurting just from the loss of my daughter or also from the tension and separation I feel in relationships I had that were once close.

Most days I drift through every emotion on this ocean. I feel the usual melancholy that now surrounds my very being, but also satisfaction when I complete something for Hannah. Melancholy, but also frustration from my inability to explain myself. Melancholy, but joy when I watch Bobby accomplish some new task. Guilt for laughing or smiling. Guilt for just breathing sometimes. I wish I could trade with my daughter. Let her laugh, love, smile, breathe.

I wonder if anyone else feels this way. (Heavy Sigh.) It always feels good to sigh.

Thankful

Last night Bobby & I went to another bereavement meeting. Our leader asked us to try to write 3 things we are thankful for for 30 days. Wow.

I thought I would begin my first day by sharing what I am thankful for today.

1. My family
2. All of the wonderful and strong women I have met because of Hannah
3. A homemade dinner that was frozen so all I have to do is heat it up while snuggling my son!

I am still trying to find my way along this path but by the grace of God I am surviving. He has given me the strength I need to face each day without my daughter. He has laid it on my heart to educate and provide comfort. It is healing on so many levels. Three more memory boxes and binders went out today!

Undone.....

I have been an absolute mess these past few days. I feel like I have completely unraveled, come undone. I can't come any more apart than I already am. I need to try to reassemble myself. Regain my composure. Wipe away the tears from my flushed complexion. Get rid of the headache from my sorrow. Find some string and stitch my heart back together. This all requires much more strength than I feel I have.

I pray that God will just give me the strength. Work in me and through me. Propel me forward for Your own glory. I cannot do it without You.

The downward spiral.....

My mind is so incredibly bitter. My thoughts even taste bad in my own mouth. They would be incredibly hard for someone else to swallow or even comprehend. This road today is a dark one. Any light that was shining in is behind the clouds now. Where do I even start? I kind of feel like I'm going crazy.

I went to a bereavement meeting with my mom last night. They talked a lot about dread and anger. Dread. Want to know what I dread? I dread February 18. I dread the day my nephew is born. I dread the day all of my pregnant facebook friends start making announces and posting pictures. Maybe I will just disappear. I hate feeling this way. The other day I was at Gymboree with Bobby. Another mom said, "Do you have any other children?" Yes. My daughter passed. Awkward silence.

Another afternoon of sobbing in the basement.

I was thinking a lot about my mom. Losing Hannah has been hard on her too. She said to me one day something about having to watch me hurt on top of Hannah's death. I guess this is a love that only a mother knows. She loves me like I love Hannah. I was also thinking about her with Bobby. Bobby loves his Gamma (or Da as he has been calling her lately). She said it only took her a year and a half to bond with him. See I never wanted to let anyone else hold him when he was little. I had waited and prayed for him for so long and I was very selfish. And now what I wouldn't give for my mom to hold Hannah just once.

That's enough for today. I'm sorry if I've hurt or offended anyone.

The God of All Comfort

This morning as I quietly watched Bobby building some great tower with his blocks, a wave of grief just completely came over me. I should be having a hard time sitting on the basement floor. It would be entirely too uncomfortable for a woman 25 weeks pregnant. Yet there I was, not uncomfortable, not 25 weeks pregnant. How the realism of that can just smack you right in the face.

I felt all my thoughts, all my progress, just rewind. I felt like someone had just hit the rewind button on my grief and it was staring me directly in the face again. I began sobbing and Bobby stopped playing. Mom? I am so sorry, Ba. I am so sorry. But Dear God if you are listening, why did you allow this to happen? My soul exposed I cried out behind my tears.

Have to get out of here. I put on our shoes, our coats. Made a cup of coffee and refilled his juice. Out into the brisk autumn morning for a walk with Bobby in his wagon. I need to learn to separate my love and thoughts of Hannah from my grief. I don't want to break down everytime I actually allow myself to think of her.

After our walk and lunch I put Bobby down for his nap. That leads me to now, this moment. I am still shaken from this morning. I searched for some scripture on comfort and this is what He provided me with.

The God of All Comfort


3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)

I suppose I am on the right path.

A letter from Daddy.....

My husband just shared this with me today. We sent balloons up to Hannah on October 21, a month after her passing. My husband and I both attached a letter to our balloon. Bobby painted his little sister a picture.

This is my husband's letter.

To My Sweet Hannah,

Daddy wants you to know, even though I know you already do, that I miss my little girl. I miss a lifetime of moments we won’t spend together. I don’t understand why, but I want you to know that it doesn’t matter why anymore. What matters is you, my memory of you, my love for you and the dreams I will have of you for as long as I live. I live your life for you every day, a piece at a time. Your funny baby sounds, your favorite toys, your sweet little outfits and run ins with your big brother. I feel as if I am there already at your first day of school, meeting your first boyfriend, seeing you all dressed up for a prom, becoming a beautiful woman like your mommy. I wish I could hold your hand, walk you down the aisle, hug you with all that I am, with all my love. These dreams will never stop sweet little girl. I will live your life as I live my own each day, holding you in a special place in my thoughts and in my heart.

There is no end baby. You are forever. Forever with me and Mommy and Bobby.

I Love You,
Daddy

One little girl making very BIG changes.....

My husband tallked to the hospital Vice President on Friday. He received ny package. And when I say he received my package, I mean he received it. He understands and is willing to change. Thank you God! Thank you for opening his mind! They are going to use Hannah's memory box to do just what it is named for, to Deliver Hope to another family. They are also going to educate themselves through the use of a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Organization. What more could I ask for? I will never be able to change the experience I had under their care, but my daughter and I will change the experience that someone else has. So why stop here? There are 21 hospitals in the state of New Jersey who do not have Labor & Delivery - one down, twenty to go.