Happy New Year.....

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


This scripture brings me comfort and hope as we head into the New Year. I bring with me all these wonderful gifts my sweet Hannah has given me and look forward to what the Lord has in store for me in 2010. I pray also for the paths of all my new dear friends who share in this terrible heartache. Thank you all for your love and support, for sharing God's Word and Hope, for honoring my precious daughter and remembering her with me.
 
Happy New Year!

Nope. Still Raining.

You might as well rip my heart right out of my chest, God.

I thought I found a rainbow. Turns out it is just more rain.

I found out I was pregnant again on December 1. What a blessing. Truly, I was being blessed. Everything seemed wonderful until December 18. At my ultrasound the baby was measuring 10 days behind. I would have to wait until Christmas Eve morning to see if the baby had grown, or had stopped growing.

It was a difficult 6 days but I trusted it to God. I hoped for the best but prepared for the worst. And then, a Christmas miracle. The baby had grown right on schedule! Oh praise God for the wonderous things He does.....

Only to take this child away, too. I started bleeding on Sunday and miscarried Monday morning.

Now I am really struggling. Why? I was just beginning to truly feel and see the beauty and purpose in the loss of Hannah. I was grasping at that hope. I was pulling myself back up.

I'm slipping right back down this hole.

No rainbow. Just rain.

Merry Christmas.....

Tomorrow is a special day. The day Jesus was born. I know it is not going to be an easy day for many of us, but I wish you all peace and joy and pray for the comfort that only God can bring.

There are a couple of random things that I would just like to share as well. First, this amazing quote that I heard on an episode of Criminal Minds of all places, that really struck a chord with me. It's author is Washington Irving and I just think it is absolutely beautiful.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Isn't that amazing? Our tears are strength. Our love is so incredibly deep.

Another thing I would like to share is this article on God during the loss of your child. It addresses so many of the feelings we go through and the place of God in each of them. I was very glad I stumbled across this and would just like to share if anyone was interested.

http://www.forgottengrief.com/Godbaby.html

Again I wish you all a Merry Christmas and many blessings. I feel truly blessed and thankful to have met so many wonderful women to share this difficult path with.

And the winners are.....

Oh, so I've decided EVERYONE is going to win something. I've read some incredible stories about all of you incredible women and your angels. So if everyone who commented could email me your full name and address along with the full name(s) of your angel(s) and dates as well as the color that most reminds you of them. My email is klarsen17@yahoo.com.

Now, onto the winners of the boxes and the runner-ups. These were all picked by my almost 2 year old son.....

A memory box goes to Karen, mommy of Rebekah.

A memory box goes to Nicole, mommy of Patrick

Runners up are (special surprise!).....
DQD, mommy of Isaac, Holly, mommy of Carleigh and kc, mommy of Nathan.

Please email me the same info from above plus what color fabric you would most like.

I look forward to hearing from you all and thank you for all of the comments. Wishing you the comfort and peace of God and a blessed Christmas!

Katy

25 Days of Giveaways.....3 Months in Heaven

Welcome to Day 25 of the 25 Days of Giveaways, the brilliant idea of Tina at Living Without Sophia & Ellie!

NOTE: These giveaways are open to all baby lost mamas. If you didn't sign up to host a giveaway we still want you to participate and try to win some of these GREAT items. We want to spread happiness to everyone, not just those who are hosting a day!

This day has come quickly upon me. Not only is it my day to host, but it is also the day my daughter left us 3 months ago. I was glad when I found out the 21st would be my day.

Since losing Hannah I have started making memory boxes for hospitals with my Delivering Hope project. We never received a memory box for her and I have so many things that remind me of her or that we have done, pictures, dried flowers, you name it, that the original one I began putting these mementos in is practically full! Well I just finished a new, bigger one for Hannah and for a friend of mine and thought wouldn't it be great to custom make one for another angel's mommy as my giveaway. So here it is. The pictures are of Hannah's box. I would burn your baby's name on the corner and pick an inside fabric based upon the colors/theme you choose. If you have more than one angel I will do a box for each of them. There will also be some prizes inside which I am not going to reveal! AND there will be a few "runner-ups" for another special item! After all, it IS Christmas and Christmas is all about giving!

Just leave me a comment with the name of your angel and the most special item you have that would go inside this box! I am looking forward to reading all of your stories. God Bless! Katy

This Christmas

"Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him." Job 13:15a

My thoughts exactly. He has brought me farther than my knees. He has thrown me on my back. I have nowhere else to look but up. And I trust.

I wrote out a Christmas card for my grandma the other day. "This Christmas is not going to be what I expected it to be, but life never is. I just have to keep my faith in the light of Jesus." I stared at what I wrote for a minute. Wow. Did I really just write that? My grandma is a very faithful woman. I have always admired that about her. I always wanted her to be proud of me. I would always write an awkward "God Bless" at the end of my letters to her. I always felt it seemed to not coincide with the rest of my letter. It lacked the meaning it was meant to portray. But this card, this message seemed to roll so smoothly off the pen and onto the paper. And it's meaning was so incredibly significant. Wow.

This Christmas will not be as I expected at all. I will not be big bellied and full of dreams. I am not that innocent anymore. But this Christmas has more meaning to me than any other ever has. I still do have dreams, just different ones. And I am full of hope and the love that only Jesus can give.

Not backwards.

I'm not taking a step backwards, I just want to take a step back. I am haunted by this thought and just need to put it out there and let go of it.

I read a story the other day of another woman's pregnancy. She developed an infection at 17 weeks causing her cervix to dialate. They put her on antibiotics and bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy. She has her daughter here with her.

My cervix dialated at 18 weeks. I had an infection. Why didn't my doctor put me on antibiotics??!!! This is just tearing me apart right now. I have to let go of it. It is not what happened. I can't go back now. Hannah is gone and trying to find cures to problems with a pregnancy that no longer exists is useless. It only hurts more. So I put this thought out there. I cannot hold onto it anymore. It will probably just drive me crazy.

I am learning that when I stop to look back and analyze things I reopen parts that were trying to heal. I need to just keep my focus on solely looking back to her. Looking back at the beautiful dance recitals she put on during ultrasounds. Look back to that last ultrasound where she waved to us. Waving goodbye.

Goodbye Mommy, Daddy, Bobby. Don't cry. Don't be sad. I am on my way to Heaven. I am going to a perfect place where I will never shed a tear or feel pain. I am going to the place where you will go also. When our time comes to be together. And I love you.

Hannah, Mommy loves you more than words can ever describe. I miss you. I ache for you and what should have been.

But isn't.

Many Blessings

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful and thoughtful women. Yesterday my husband and I had a wonderful couple over who we met at our bereavement group. We have quickly become great friends and I am very thankful for this friendship and this bond. In my heart I feel this friendship was made first in Heaven by our two little girls. They gave us this beautiful water globe. It is engraved saying, "Hannah Katherine Larsen, Born in Heaven, 9/21/2009". The pictures do it absolutely no justice. It even lights up and plays "The Lord is my Shepard". Thank you so much!

Then I get the mail today and am greeted with three wonderful surprises! Jeanette over at The Lazy Seamstress made me this beautiful heart! Since it has a string I have added it to my Christmas tree! Thank you so much, Jeanette!

I also received the ornament I won in 25 Days of Giveaways! It was handmade by Lea at Nicholas' Touch. Thank you so much, Lea! It is absolutely beautiful!

Last, but certainly not least, a sweet surprise from my new friend Andrea over at Life, Love & Persuit of our Fairytale... I have found great support and friendship in her and really appreciate the beautiful wings she made for my daughter. I have placed them on the Christmas tree as well. Thank you so much Andrea!

This has been the most difficult part of my life journey, losing Hannah. I am very thankful for the love and support of so many amazing women. The road is not as lonely traveling it together.

Praise You in This Storm by The Casting Crowns

I have listened to this song over and over during these past 2+ months. It is absolutely beautiful and inspiring.

Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman

Silence

Have you ever sat in the silence, maybe you can hear the wind blow quietly in the background or a neighbor's dog looking to be let in, but it is a silence you can feel? Maybe because you strain for sound a hum fills your ears but you can still feel that silence? Wrapped in a quiet world of stillness with only background noises that are so monotonous they too become inaudible. The silence almost becomes a tangible thing you grasp for.

Rocking in Bobby's glider as he drifts off to sleep, I hear his breathing growing heavy, his CD player whispering lullabies, the clicking of the glider as I rock forward than back. It is a comfortable silence. One I feel peaceful being in.

I remember my anguish as I delivered our little girl. We knew that our cries, my husband's and mine, would be the only ones we would hear. Otherwise we would be left to sit in silence with our Hannah. I remember that silence well. I remember that feeling, that cold, tangible realization of our new reality. Our cries were the monotonous background noise in an endless silence that still envelopes me. Sometimes it still causes me to shutter and strain my ears- if only to just stir up that hum.

This is our new life. We have a daughter in Heaven. That is a very heavy statement. I praise God for my daughter every day. I would do it all again just for those few moments we spent together in that life changing silence.

This song was sung at the beautiful Christmas memorial we attended last week in honor of all the babies gone too soon and our angel, Hannah. I think it is absolutely beautiful and makes me cry, smile and sigh every time I hear it.

"To Where You Are"

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are mine

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath away not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

'Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away not far

To where you are

I know you're there

A breath away not far

To where you are

Her Place.....

Last night in my grief Bible study group we were talking about the place our babies hold in our families. I have been thinking about this a lot since then.

Hannah's place will always be as my daughter. But if your daughter is not here, how do people know she is your daughter? I know she is my daughter. If she is not the first thought on my mind, she is the second. That is the farthest she travels. In my heart and soul I feel her all around me. Her presense, her spirit still lives in me. I know she is with me. You just can't see her. So how do you know about my daughter?

I want Hannah's tangible existence to be in the works I do. I want her soul to shine through the things I create in her honor. I want other people to feel her spirit, her presense which I pour out into my work. That is her place. Her place as my daughter. She has made me a much, much better person than I had ever dreamed. She has shown me a sorrowful, desperate, despaired side of life where I have met the most wonderful, faithful and compassionate people. And she has made me one of them.

Thank you, Hannah. Mommy loves you and misses you so very, very much.

With Warm Thoughts.....

I lit this candle today to honor Russell Elliot, son of Brandy at Forever Elliot's Mommy. Today is the day Elliot was supposed to be born. Hugs, Brandy. I am thinking of both of you.

Thinking of You.....

Tonight I lit this candle to honor Christian, son of Andrea at Life, Love & Persuit of our Fairytale.... Today is the day Christian was supposed to be born. Hugs, Andrea. I am thinking of both of you.

A Reminder of God's Presense

Last night we attended a beautiful memorial service to honor our Hannah and all of the other angels in Heaven. One mother read this beautiful poem that I wanted to share. It helped me to remember the heavenly life which she is living now and also to appreciate the many gifts she has and is continuing to give me- especially that of bringing Heaven closer to me.

The Tiny Rosebud

The Master Gardener from Heaven above

Planted a seed in the garden of love

And from it grew a rosebud small

That never had time to open at all

For God in His perfect and all wise way

Chose this rose for his heavenly bouquet

So think of your darling with the angels above

Secure and contented and surrounded by love

And remember that God blessed and enriched your lives too

For in dying, your darling brought Heaven closer to you.

~Author Unknown