Wednesday, January 20, 2010

4 Months

Tomorrow will be four months. Four months of life without Hannah. Four months of grief, heartache, tears, sadness, pain. An indescribable pain. And here I am, still in the center of it all. The only difference now is that it is not as dark in here, four months later. I have found the light.

I said to my mom and dad the other day this very thing that struck me later.

I am GLAD God chose me to be Hannah's mom. I am GLAD she is my daughter. I love my daughter very much and wouldn't trade that for anything.

He has given me peace in that. He has given me comfort. But He still hasn't taken this pain away.

I wonder when and if He ever will. I am so tired and weary of living a life where my heart is in two pieces.


  1. Dear Katy,
    I know god chose you to be Hannah's mother. He chose you for many reasons of his own. But I am sure he chose Hannah for you because he understood you would always love and value her. Jesus knew you had such a profound love that eventhough Hannah would not stand beside you on earth your love would not fade away.
    I also know god knew you would do great things because of Hannah and shine a light for others.
    I am sure God gave his most perfect angel to you. Thinking of you and Hannah tonight.
    Love Crys

  2. Thinking of you, Katy. You're hovering around the time that was most difficult for me. You're in my prayers. I have two beautiful butterflies sitting on my table for you. I promise to send them out soon. <3

  3. Thinking of you and your sweet Hannah. xx

  4. Oh Katy, I have thought the same things. There are times when I am humbled to be chosen to be Jenna's mother. Our angels are special special gifts that not just anyone has to the privilege to receive, but at the same time, there is so much pain when they leave. For me four months was excruciating. It was probably the hardest month for me. I have found eight months to be almost just as hard, but more and more I am finding that the grace of God abounds, even when I don't ask for it.

    With love,

  5. Katy i am just sending you extra love, though this road is hard, i'm sure god couldn't have chosen a better mother for hannah than you and i know that she smiles everyday because of your love. I pray that your heart mends soon and that one day the pain does go and may he give you strength and rest until that time.

  6. Katy,
    What a beautiful post for your Hannah. God knew who He wanted to be Hannah's mommy long before time even started. To me that is an awesome thought. Keep leaning on Him and He will whisper truths in your ear as you go through this journey.

    Praying for you,

  7. Katy, I am thinking about you and your dear Hannah. This heartache is so strong, but I am thankful that I am Emma and Chase's mom. I love your new blog look. The ladybugs are adorable.

  8. I have so often said the same thing - how grateful I am to be Madelyn's mother. I would never trade in all this hurt and pain for her existence, or non-existence. I would rather feel this, and 1000 times worse, to have had her in my life.

    Thinking of you and Hannah today.

  9. One of the nicest things someone said to me right after Matthew died was in an email that she said God told her to tell me.
    This email came from the grandmother of one of my students--and since I went out on maternity leave not too long after school started, I really didn't know her granddaughter that well.
    She said that God told me to rejoice in being chosen as the vessel to carry the treasure that was Matthew.

    I feel you on wishing He would take the pain away, and I can't help but totally scream in agreement in the joy I had being chosen as Matthew's mother.
    Big hugs to you...Saturday marks the day where I'm halfway to where you are. I'm so glad you can see some light there.

  10. Katy,

    Walking through the storm is so difficult and a heart riddled with pain seems to beat so slowly. For me, the first 6 months were agonizing and I cried daily and walked about aimlessly. Now, at the 8 month mark, I'm finding peace and gaining momentum. The dark days have turned into dark moments and the cloud seems to have lifted and the sun is shining again. And, it feels refreshing. I know the same will come for you in time.

    Sending you love and prayers as we remember Hannah with you. xoxo

  11. Just sending love and prayers for you as you continue on this journey! I'm constantly inspired by this world if blogging moms who continue to treasure their babies and honor them so well. And by people like you who are helping educate the world on this horrible loss!! Bless you Katy!