Friday, January 8, 2010

Empty Room, Cookie Cutters & Stones.....

I had a very weepy day yesterday. I felt that hole in my heart so terribly and just longed for my sweet girl. Part of it I think was the empty nesting I was doing. See, when I got pregnant with Bobby my nesting instinct was almost immediate. I am a person of very little patience and get excited very easily. (Ask my husband - he didn't want me buying Bobby's Christmas presents too early in fear I would give them all to him before Christmas!) So naturally I was the same way when I got pregnant with Hannah. By the time I was 3 months pregnant we had Bobby's big boy room complete to allow for 6 months transition time. Well, yesterday I finally cleared all of his stuff out of the nursery and officially moved him in. Now that room looks so empty. I couldn't help thinking that this is exactly what I would have been doing, only I would have Hannah's things to fill that room back up with. I closed the door. Now I wonder if a baby will ever fill it up again.

Something to make you smile, though.....

I'm so proud of him! He is growing up so fast. Actually so many of the things he says and does these days absolutely amazes me. I have told him his little sister Hannah is an angel. So the other day he took the Christmas cookie cutters out of the drawer in the kitchen and started naming them.....heart for the heart, circle for the circle.....Hanni for the angel. It made me smile when he said that. I feel truly blessed because of him.

I have so much to share today; it has been a busy week for me. Wednesday I went to The Children's Memorial Garden to see the stone my mom bought for Hannah. It was finally installed!

I love it. The garden is going to be beautiful in the spring and it will be nice to have a place to go to feel her presence. It really is a peaceful place right on a lake. My childhood best friend has a stone here as well. I met her when I was 2 years old. She lived behind me. She was an only child and I have no sisters. We spent our whole childhoods together. She died of a brain anuerysm 2 days after her 22nd birthday.

That's what I have been up to. A lot of crying these past few days. A lot of missing and a lot of pain. I am thankful for the sufficient grace God offers me each day to continue down this path.


  1. What a beautiful & heartbreaking post. I love Hannah's stone and wish there was something like that near me. I'm also so sorry for the loss of your childhood best friend, although I realize it's been a while. How tragic.

    Bobby's big boy room looks great!

  2. He looks so sweet in his bed. Hannah's stone looks wonderful and I love that it has a butterfly.

  3. Katy,

    *Hugs & Prayers*

    This journey is not an easy one, but we owe it to ourselves to feel the pain, cry when need be and grieve our loss. Feeling the pain is healing and if we don't feel it, it's sure to revisit us.

    You WILL fill that nursery...I believe in this for you and I believe in this for me :)

    Hannah's plaque is beautiful and what a wonderful place to feel the presence of angels. I wish there were more parks like that, as it's such a blessing to those who've lost children.

    Bobby is just the sweetest....keep wrapping your arms around him.

    Love and Prayers,

  4. oh geez, I just cried reading this post. ((hugs))

  5. Hannah's stone is perfect. And your little boy is precious!

    I have been weepy too... it's been hard getting through the holidays hasn't it? It all kind of builds up even more.

    I am sending you a huge hug!

    Sarah xoxo

  6. oh Katy *huge hugs* Your little boy is precious and amazing how he recognizes his sister. He looks so peaceful in his bed. It did make me smile. Thinking of you, Hannah and your sweet boy.

  7. There must be something in the air...I have been really aching and the nursery was the focus for my last blog post as well. This is SO hard.

    My heart goes out to you.

  8. Thinking of you and Hannah today. Her stone is beautiful. It's kind of nice to know it's near your dear friend's.

  9. Sending you lots and lots of HUGS!!

  10. I just found your blog through my friend, Lori, and my heart is really touched by your story. You are a wonderful writer and I thank you for sharing your life with us. What you went through with Hannah in that emergency room what a travesty and I am so sorry that it happened like that. I lost my Jonathan while driving four hours in the car and had to stop at truck stops knowing what was happening and couldn't do a thing about it. No mother should ever have to go through that. I am so very sorry that you do not have your Hannah and the new baby; they are not where they should be. You will always be missing part of your family and it's not right that people don't realize that. It's just not right. I will remember Hannah with you. And I think so will little Bobby. Blessings in the new year.

  11. What a beautiful stone to remember Hannah by! I saw this post earlier and didn't get a chance to comment. And I know that sad, longing feeling. I just remember to take one moment at a time.

    Will pray for you today....