I have been working on this post in my head for a while now. Sometimes I know exactly where I am at on this journey. Somedays I feel the fog, heavy and thick, surrounding me, suffocating me, confusing me. I guess that's just what this is. Like the weather, my grief journey changes every day. It goes through cycles. Somedays it is cloudy. Sometimes it rains for days straight. Sometimes it doesn't rain for a while. Sometimes you feel the warmth of the sun.
In bible study last night one of the questions dealt with anxiety. How do you deal with it or something to that extent. I used to have terrible panic attacks. They were so bad my hands would clench into horrific contortions and remain that way until I calmed down. I would try to work through it but they just kept coming back. From anticipation. From anticipatory fear. I had to stop waiting for that something I was so afraid of to show up and take over. My fear now? I will never be able to carry another child to term. I miscarried in November 2006, had a big, beautiful baby boy in March 2008, lost Hannah Katherine in my second trimester in September 2009, miscarried in December 2009. Not very encouraging when you look back on it. But I still need to get to my point.....
When I lost Hannah in September I was absolutely devastated and despaired. And I wanted her back so badly. I wanted to be pregnant again. I knew it couldn't be with her. I knew I couldn't replace her. But this baby could help me heal. This baby could offer me hope. This baby could be that rainbow in the midst of the storm. I got pregnant again. I lost again. Now what? Where has my hope gone? This longing for this child, a child, to be with me, to be with Bobby.....
As long as I fill myself with this longing, I do not heal. I do not heal. That pregnancy. It was just filled with that anticipatory fear. Haunted again. That hole in my heart reopening. Anxiety and fear. Longing for that hope.....
I am peaceful right now. I am peaceful because I have stopped longing and resolved myself to God's will. I have resolved myself to be content with what I have. I have a lot. And I will always have my sweet baby. Just not with me. Not on this side of Heaven.
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
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I take away such peace and comfort from this post. Thank you, Katy.
ReplyDeletexo
Katy, I guess I never looked at contentment like that. I never realized that to be truly content is to release the longing. WOW! Thanks for sharing this with all of us. I needed to read that. I feel the "fog" heavy and thick today.
ReplyDeleteXO
I love this post. I need to stop waiting for something bad to happen and start living in the moment. Thank you for the inspiration!
ReplyDeletePraying for your future and sending you many hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt's often hard to get our arms around the disappointment and dispair, as grief comes in many forms.
Love to you
Praying for your continued strength and comfort. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, hugs xo
ReplyDeletebeautiful words. *hugs* Gives me something to work toward.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful and inspiring post. You are amazing:)
ReplyDeleteBless your heart...One of the songs I had on my playlist for the delivery room CD was a wonderful version of It Is Well...I played that, Above All and When We All Get To Heaven over and over and OVER throughout my pregnancy...Matthew totally knew those songs! Some dear friends put together a memory album for the funeral, using pictures from throughout the pregnancy, and wouldn't you know it? The FIRST page in the album was one of the beautiful NILDMTS pictures with "It Is Well," all over the page...no one but my husband and Matthew of course knew of my special love for that song...and it was the theme of Matthew's memory album. For days after the funeral, I only had a few songs running through my head...one of them? It Is Well...
ReplyDeleteIt IS Well...it's just so hard to feel that way when our hearts feel so broken.
Hugs!
I love the hymn It Is Well. It's always been one of my favorites. I definitely have a longing for another baby but our heart's desire has not been granted. This past month I just gave it to God. I know He will answers our prayers one day.
ReplyDelete((many many hugs))
ReplyDeleteand I don't know why it took me so long to realize that was Hannah's photo in your banner! She's beautiful!
Lately I think I'm looking but not seeing...I think grief blinded me a bit.