Sunday, January 24, 2010

Not sleeping.

Not sleeping. I am not sleeping. I wish I could. I wish I could lay down and close my eyes and not think of everything that isn't.

I had a thought. Twigs turn into branches. Dear God I pray I grow from this loss. I want to become more than what I am. I want to do more for people than what I do. Yet somehow everything I do never seems to be enough. Nothing seems good enough. Nothing fixes this hurt or takes it away.

I'm struggling.

Everything has been making me cry. Everything has been hurting me. Everything has been reminding me of her.

I'm hurting.

I wonder why sometimes I feel as if I'm lifted up and forced backwards. Back to the hole. Back to the despair. And I look up. And I know He is with me.

But Dear God it still hurts.

I still miss her. I still want her. I still can't believe I have to live this life without her. This is not a nightmare. This is my life. I am not going to wake up.

I am not sleeping.

I can't sleep.


  1. Just wanted to send you some hugz... you are definitely not alone... sleeping is a continuous struggle... I lay awake thinking of where my son should be and why he's not there and it won't go away... Hugz.

  2. Such a beautiful prayer. I have always struggled with sleeping, but it's pretty bad now. I'm haunted by images of my dad dying and then of Ella doing the same. It's too much to bear, isn't it? Wishing you peace.

  3. We must have been up at the same time last night; I should have gotten on FB so we could have chatted. As with everything, this all goes in stages, and I have learned there are "High" weeks, and then you return to some really low points, that you thought you were finished with.

    If anything, give yourself some credit... you have done so many things for so many other women through your faith, kind words and all of your posts!

    Hang in there...xoxo! Think of you often!

  4. I does seem sometimes that we are going along and everyting is ok, them out of no where it hits you again. You can hardly believe that this is your life, your reality. What the hell happened??? Anyway, that is how it is for me sometimes. Wishing for peace for you Katy. xx

  5. I am the opposite, as I sleep so I don't have to be awake. When I am awake, I am aware of my loss...that I am not pregnant, not 33 weeks like I should be. In my dreams, I am happily back there, pregnant with Gabriel...I hate being awake, and if I could sleep my whole day away sometimes, I would...I feel your pain...this endless pain. Keep praying....

  6. Oh Katy,
    I'm so sad for your hurting and your heart...mostly because I totally know what that pain of missing your child is and it's a pain I most days think I am unable to bear. I am so sorry that any of us have to go through it. It's not bad enough that we lose our children, but that we have to then continue to navigate through life without them. It seems an impossible task.
    I'm praying for your peace and for some sleep for you. Even the most basic of things seem so far out of reach sometimes. Hugs!

  7. I too have trouble sleeping. My mind starts to race as soon as my head hits the pillow and I can't turn it off. I am so sorry you are hurting. I know the sting you feel and the heartache that consumes you. I have learned to allow myself to grieve and cry. xo

  8. Katy,
    I am so sorry you are having trouble sleeping. My heart aches for you as i know how you feel. I pray that you have better nights soon.

    come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and i will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you, and learn of me; for i am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Math11:28-30
    We studied these verses in sunday school today and reading your post made me think about it again. I hope i don't sound like i'm preaching all the time but it's just that i have found so much that pertains to situations that happens to be in the bible and if it helps me i like to share in hopes of helping others. Even when it feels like nothing is ever enough we just gotta have faith and give it to god, in this journey it's hard to give it all to god but trying to give some of it to him helps in ways you can't imangine. just know that i am praying for you and that you find sleep and strength. Many hugs to you .

  9. Hi Katy, I too can understand your anguish and your sleepless nights. I seem to always wake up around 3 or 4 am with some strange dreams and can't sleep well after then. Also, I was thinking about your helping people - I'm sure you have been making an impact with your project at the hospitals, think of all the women who could benefit from your creativity and drive to educate the staff at those hospitals. I think it is an excellent initiative on your part. Not just anyone will follow through with ideas on how to improve things. You did!!

  10. *huge hugs* I wish it were all a nightmare we could just wake up from. I am thinking of you and praying for God to send peace and healing your way.

  11. I pray for God to bring you rest. I really wish we were only sleeping.