Not sleeping. I am not sleeping. I wish I could. I wish I could lay down and close my eyes and not think of everything that isn't.
I had a thought. Twigs turn into branches. Dear God I pray I grow from this loss. I want to become more than what I am. I want to do more for people than what I do. Yet somehow everything I do never seems to be enough. Nothing seems good enough. Nothing fixes this hurt or takes it away.
Everything has been making me cry. Everything has been hurting me. Everything has been reminding me of her.
I wonder why sometimes I feel as if I'm lifted up and forced backwards. Back to the hole. Back to the despair. And I look up. And I know He is with me.
But Dear God it still hurts.
I still miss her. I still want her. I still can't believe I have to live this life without her. This is not a nightmare. This is my life. I am not going to wake up.
I am not sleeping.
I can't sleep.