Hope

Verse 3 from, O Love That Will Not Let Me Go.....

                 O Joy that seekest me through pain,
                 I cannot close my heart to thee;
                 I trace the rainbow through the rain,
                 And feel the promise is not vain,
                 That morn shall tearless be.
 
That is hope in its most genuine form. To find that joy through your pain, even IN your pain. To not shut it out. To not push it away. To see the rainbow behind the clouds. I imagine looking at the sky, physically tracing those beautiful colors of hope with my finger.....it almost becomes tangible. To feel God's promise washing over you, knowing none of your suffering has been in vain. Knowing it all has a purpose. Knowing in the morning, someday, your tears will dry.

On another note, my family could use some prayers in another area of our journey.....
http://faithandarainbow.blogspot.com/2010/01/direction.html

Thank you, everyone --- for all of your wonderful comments and emails and love.

Up and down and Up and down.....

I am teetering.

At a constant battle on the see-saw of grief.

I'm trying so hard. I'm praying for peace. Thoughts encroaching...receeding. Pushing them back as they hang on the outskirts. Of course I still sense them. They creep in and before the thought can fully form I push it out. Nope. Don't want to feel that right now.

I'm feeling encouraged though, too.

Up and down.

Up and down.

I really wish I could just get off.

Comfort for God's People

I read the most amazing thing yesterday. It was an interpretation of Isaiah 40, essentially, verse 1, Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.

Comfort for God's People. We are all God's people.

How does one otherwise begin such a ministry of sorrow had they not first experienced it themselves? Trained to learn that heartache to ease that very same heartache in someone else. Maybe God teaches some of us this path to lessen the ache on another who's path is the same.

I have found great comfort myself in reaching out to others and trying to help them through the very same thing I am going through.

Maybe Hannah's sweet spirit is a spirit of comfort itself.

Missing You

entering your place
a whisper
distant visions and stares
erasing your
face
your memory
why would they
would they care
as I
you are mine
forever
though you flew
you are mine
I spend my days
digging
through my mental
graveyard
you are still here
I just can't
hold you

Not sleeping.

Not sleeping. I am not sleeping. I wish I could. I wish I could lay down and close my eyes and not think of everything that isn't.

I had a thought. Twigs turn into branches. Dear God I pray I grow from this loss. I want to become more than what I am. I want to do more for people than what I do. Yet somehow everything I do never seems to be enough. Nothing seems good enough. Nothing fixes this hurt or takes it away.

I'm struggling.

Everything has been making me cry. Everything has been hurting me. Everything has been reminding me of her.

I'm hurting.

I wonder why sometimes I feel as if I'm lifted up and forced backwards. Back to the hole. Back to the despair. And I look up. And I know He is with me.

But Dear God it still hurts.

I still miss her. I still want her. I still can't believe I have to live this life without her. This is not a nightmare. This is my life. I am not going to wake up.

I am not sleeping.

I can't sleep.

Moving On

Today I realized something. The world has moved on. Everyone I know, in their own ways, has moved on. Some are affected, and maybe even changed, by my daughter's life. Some seem to forget that dark day that left me barren. Seem to forget that I do have a daughter. Forget I am not just a mother of 1.

I don't think I have moved on at all. I have just moved forward. Time has been ushering me forward as I drag my feet in objection. I guess the farther away from that day I get, though, the closer I get too. Closer to holding Hannah again; this time never having to let her go. What a wonderful day that will be-- running to my beautiful daughter awaiting me in Heaven. That thought gives me such peace.

And I know she has changed me. I am not the same person I was before I lost her, though sometimes I really wish I could be. But I know I am a better person now, because of her. I know I will survive this, by the grace of God. I know someday it won't hurt as bad.

I know that short time God blessed me with her is going to mean a lifetime to someone else. Her sweet soul is all around me, teaching me to love. Teaching me to comfort. Teaching me to reach into places I never would have otherwise. She will bless so many people, as she has blessed me.

So those that move on I pray would take a little piece of her with them, too. She could teach us all something.

I love you, Hanni. I miss you so much.

4 Months

Tomorrow will be four months. Four months of life without Hannah. Four months of grief, heartache, tears, sadness, pain. An indescribable pain. And here I am, still in the center of it all. The only difference now is that it is not as dark in here, four months later. I have found the light.

I said to my mom and dad the other day this very thing that struck me later.

I am GLAD God chose me to be Hannah's mom. I am GLAD she is my daughter. I love my daughter very much and wouldn't trade that for anything.

He has given me peace in that. He has given me comfort. But He still hasn't taken this pain away.

I wonder when and if He ever will. I am so tired and weary of living a life where my heart is in two pieces.

Expiration Dates

Why is it that almost every perishable item I grab now at the grocery store has an expiration date of February 18? At first I refused to buy anything with that date but inevitably had no choice. Some things only have that date. My date. Hannah's date, which is quickly coming and I am sure will move me into a new phase of my grief. I can stop imagining how my body would be and begin to wonder how my life would be. Wonderful.

I started a prayer journal a few days ago. I am finding it very helpful in dealing with my emotions and pouring them out before God. As I feel the weight on my heart travel instead onto that paper, I know He is working on me. I know He is with me, holding me up, guiding my steps.

I am hopeful for many things. I am thankful for many things. I surrender my soul to the fact that I had and have no control over anything. I turn over this weariness that hangs on me as I approach the end of what would have been this pregnancy.

Climbing Back Out.....

I think I am getting out of this hole. I have been allowing too many external things to get to me and get me down.

Yesterday was a hard day. My friend told me she is 11 weeks pregnant. August 3. My rainbow baby was due August 7. I felt jealous, then guilty for feeling that way. She is a good person. I am happy for her. I started to analyze how I was feeling and why, after I stopped bawling, of course, and I came to understand something.....

Every pregnant woman I see, everyone woman holding her newborn child, they have and had the same dreams as I. They are looking for that same thing as I. How could I ever be angry or bitter because they got it and I didn't? It has nothing to do with them. I am coveting what they have. And that is a sin.

I am happy for her. I am hopeful for me. I feel much better.

And at the same time I found this out yesterday, I saw a girl I have not seen in a while. Hmmmm.....just like last week I got the "Oh you had the baby! How is she? Did you bring her?"

After I managed to swallow the lump in my throat and fight back my tears, I tell my sad story. Turns out she, too, lost a baby in her second trimester. Funny. I never knew that about her.

It is amazing how God brings you the right people at the right time. My friend I met in our bereavement group called later that afternoon. I NEEDED that talk with her. I NEEDED someone who understood and to just have that friendship and conversation at that exact moment. (Thank You!)

That's it for now. Missing my angel, but keeping my faith and trust in God.

Pray Date.....

 I grabbed this blog a few months back just because I thought of a cute name. I wasn't quite sure of how it would work or what it would be. I think I've got it!

I don't know about you but I have definately noticed the less I reflect on the Word of God, the more intense my grief becomes. My idea? Simple. Let's share some scripture and share some hope.

The blog is called "Pray Date: Where Angels' Mommies Meet".

Here's how it works.....

Everyday I will post a verse on the blog. Comment on it. What does it mean to you? How does it make you feel? Have you heard it before? Did it help you on your grief journey?

You can participate or not participate on any given day. Somedays I will comment. Somedays I won't. Don't ever feel obligated because you have before or because you are a follower.

We share because it comes from our hearts. We share because it may give us new perspective on God's Word and spread some Hope.

Have a verse you just love and would love to share? E-Mail Me! praydate@yahoo.com

I'm going to put a verse up now but leave it up through tomorrow as it is late in the day. Hope you like it and want to participate! Click HERE to go there now.....

Hmmm.....Untitled

I remember clearly some of my early emotions of anguish and despair. Grief is so strange in itself in that it is one word which encompasses so many emotions, adjectives, nouns.....How could you possibly ever define it? Fear, sadness, pain, confusion, longing, despair, depression --- where does this word, this thing, ever end? Still as I write this I realize the complexity of all of the random thoughts racing through my mind, competing with each other, and their strange connection --- my grief.

I am mostly aware of the spiritual growth that has taken place inside of me. I remember three months ago, quite vividly, asking the question --- how do you know you have given it to God? How do you know? I asked in desperation. Now, today, I realize you just do. And I realize I haven't yet emptied my plate yet either. Nope. I won't be leaving this table anytime soon. I am still holding onto too many things.

I am essentially chasing rainbows.

These things, these questions, they are intangible. They have no answers for my human mind. I will never catch them. I will never hold them in my hands and say, "Ok. I get it now". These dreams were my dreams. But like that rainbow in the sky, they are gone. They simply cannot be. So instead of chasing them, I just need to stop and appreciate them. Appreciate the beauty each holds. These are, after all, the promises of God. God cannot work if I am running.

He cannot work if I am constantly moving. If my mind is constantly moving.

He says "Be still and know that I am God..." -Psalms 46:10

Be still. Quiet down. Sit.

I am sending out a dove in hopes it will return now with the peace belonging to the olive branch. I am waiting patiently for her in hopes one day she will return no more. For this pain to return no more in its current form but to change into the promise of the rainbow after the greatest storm on earth. After my greatest storm.

I am not done growing.

Last week in church we had the Wesleyan Covenant Service, essentially a service which renews your covenant with God at the beginning of the New Year. There was a place in the service for Testimonies of Grace. When our pastor asked if anyone could testify of God's grace the church fell silent --- and not the kind of silence that comes from honor, but one born from fear.

Finally a hand raises. A woman stands and speaks of the birth of her first grandchild. Wonderful, but truly is this not a blessing rather than grace?

Aren't our children, though not here, blessings too? Isn't it we who are the testimonies of his grace?

"Anyone else?" she asks.

Yes. I am! I am a perfect testimony of the grace of God working in and through the life of one of His children. Without Him I would not still be standing. Without Him I might not have breath left for the day. Or the strength to get up each day with the rising of the sun. Or the will to even live. The will to even live without my daughter.

So what about the birth and death of my daughter? What about her and the grace He has given me to live through this loss?

But I am a coward.

I am a coward and sat in the silence with the rest of the congregation instead of giving Him the glory and praise He deserves. I feel ashamed and unworthy of the grace He gives me and I truly am. I truly am unworthy of the mercy he showers upon me each day as He renews my soul.

Let us hold firmly to the hope we claim to have. The One who promised is faithful. -Hebrews 10:23

I have been doing a lot of crying. I have felt so much like a lost sheep searching. I realize He is the way. The only way. I know this. I know I cannot understand. I know He cries with me and has not left my side. That is my comfort. He is my comfort.

Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. -Proverbs 3:6 (NLT)

That is my answer. Seek His will. Quiet myself. Allow Him to lead me. Allow these tears, this pain, this angst and longing for Hannah.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. -Lamentations 3:32 (NIV)

Now I just need to breathe for a second. For those following I am sure you can feel, sense and see the chaos my mind has been --- full of so many things and thoughts but ultimately leading back to faith and trust in God.

One more thing. A quote from my Bible Study book I would like to share. It had such a profound impact on me and I'm finally getting around to putting it up.....

"I offered her up to Him and He took her. The ram never appeared..." and then a revelation, "...or maybe He did, 2000 years ago. He took her place and mine, too. He was someone's only child. He was a first-born son. I'm sure His mother cried". -Gwen Kik

This quote refers to the test of Abraham and the sacraficing of his only son, Isaac. And as Abraham was about to kill him, an Angel of the Lord appeared and stopped him. And a ram appeared with its horns caught in the thicket. God had provided the sacrafice for his faithfulness. God has provided our sacrafice, too, His son, who died for our sins.

Empty Room, Cookie Cutters & Stones.....

I had a very weepy day yesterday. I felt that hole in my heart so terribly and just longed for my sweet girl. Part of it I think was the empty nesting I was doing. See, when I got pregnant with Bobby my nesting instinct was almost immediate. I am a person of very little patience and get excited very easily. (Ask my husband - he didn't want me buying Bobby's Christmas presents too early in fear I would give them all to him before Christmas!) So naturally I was the same way when I got pregnant with Hannah. By the time I was 3 months pregnant we had Bobby's big boy room complete to allow for 6 months transition time. Well, yesterday I finally cleared all of his stuff out of the nursery and officially moved him in. Now that room looks so empty. I couldn't help thinking that this is exactly what I would have been doing, only I would have Hannah's things to fill that room back up with. I closed the door. Now I wonder if a baby will ever fill it up again.

Something to make you smile, though.....

I'm so proud of him! He is growing up so fast. Actually so many of the things he says and does these days absolutely amazes me. I have told him his little sister Hannah is an angel. So the other day he took the Christmas cookie cutters out of the drawer in the kitchen and started naming them.....heart for the heart, circle for the circle.....Hanni for the angel. It made me smile when he said that. I feel truly blessed because of him.

I have so much to share today; it has been a busy week for me. Wednesday I went to The Children's Memorial Garden to see the stone my mom bought for Hannah. It was finally installed!

I love it. The garden is going to be beautiful in the spring and it will be nice to have a place to go to feel her presence. It really is a peaceful place right on a lake. My childhood best friend has a stone here as well. I met her when I was 2 years old. She lived behind me. She was an only child and I have no sisters. We spent our whole childhoods together. She died of a brain anuerysm 2 days after her 22nd birthday.

That's what I have been up to. A lot of crying these past few days. A lot of missing and a lot of pain. I am thankful for the sufficient grace God offers me each day to continue down this path.

Contentment

I have been working on this post in my head for a while now. Sometimes I know exactly where I am at on this journey. Somedays I feel the fog, heavy and thick, surrounding me, suffocating me, confusing me. I guess that's just what this is. Like the weather, my grief journey changes every day. It goes through cycles. Somedays it is cloudy. Sometimes it rains for days straight. Sometimes it doesn't rain for a while. Sometimes you feel the warmth of the sun.

In bible study last night one of the questions dealt with anxiety. How do you deal with it or something to that extent. I used to have terrible panic attacks. They were so bad my hands would clench into horrific contortions and remain that way until I calmed down. I would try to work through it but they just kept coming back. From anticipation. From anticipatory fear. I had to stop waiting for that something I was so afraid of to show up and take over. My fear now? I will never be able to carry another child to term. I miscarried in November 2006, had a big, beautiful baby boy in March 2008, lost Hannah Katherine in my second trimester in September 2009, miscarried in December 2009. Not very encouraging when you look back on it. But I still need to get to my point.....

When I lost Hannah in September I was absolutely devastated and despaired. And I wanted her back so badly. I wanted to be pregnant again. I knew it couldn't be with her. I knew I couldn't replace her. But this baby could help me heal. This baby could offer me hope. This baby could be that rainbow in the midst of the storm. I got pregnant again. I lost again. Now what? Where has my hope gone? This longing for this child, a child, to be with me, to be with Bobby.....

As long as I fill myself with this longing, I do not heal. I do not heal. That pregnancy. It was just filled with that anticipatory fear. Haunted again. That hole in my heart reopening. Anxiety and fear. Longing for that hope.....

I am peaceful right now. I am peaceful because I have stopped longing and resolved myself to God's will. I have resolved myself to be content with what I have. I have a lot. And I will always have my sweet baby. Just not with me. Not on this side of Heaven.

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Thank You Hannah.....Introducing Austin.....

1 Peter 1:6-8 (New Living Translation)

6 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy.

I thought I would share this incredibly powerful message from Peter. It really makes me think back on the many trials I have faced and how each in their own way has changed me. Then I think of the precious life of my sweet Hannah and how this trial, this test, this hardship has TRANSFORMED me. I am not just changed. I am unrecognizable. In a good way. In a wonderfully magnificent and glorious way. Thank you, Baby Girl. Thank you.

I also want to introduce to you my new friend Meredith. She has created a blog in remembrance of her sweet Angel, Austin Thomas, who left this earth on June 17, 2009. Please visit her at Forever Changed to read Austin's story, follow her journey and send her some love and hope.

I pray the New Year is off to a good start for each of you.